Difficult Choice of Bailing Out of a Relationship with a Terminally Ill Boyfriend

Enduring a terminal illness alone is tough enough, but making the decision to leave a relationship with a terminally ill partner takes a special kind of courage. Unable to accept her boyfriend's fate, one woman was heavily weighing the pros and cons of walking away from the relationship in hopes of gaining independence and the freedom to rediscover herself.

Breaking away from a relationship means different things for different people. For some, the slow fade, managing the instability of remaining connected but introducing physical distance until total disconnect occurs; for others, it means a clean break where all ties are severed and life continues on separate tracks. Regardless of the process, leaving a loved one is never easy; this task, however, seems even greater when the beloved is dealing with their own mortality due to a terminal illness.

Having been together for four years and growing closer after they both moved to a new city, the woman (Kelsey) was reluctant to end what seemed to be a successful union. Having frequent conversations and many heart to hearts, the two had the type of closeness that extends well beyond the parameters of just being a romantic couple. Although deeply in love, Kelsey couldn't shake her feelings of wanting something different than being her boyfriend's personal nurse or being shackled to the constraints of being his bed partner during his greatest trying times. The experience was overwhelming and dealing with the ups and downs was beginning to take its toll.

“Things were so hard sometimes, the changes in his moods and the expectations of taking care of him even when I felt like I needed help”, Kelsey said. “It was like a full-time job. I'm not even sure that at times I didn't just bear the weight of it all on my own. I know he appreciated it, but I felt guilty for not wanting to do it anymore”.

When contemplating a break-up, it is important to take into consideration five key areas - temptation, loneliness, guilt, finances and identity. While each individual’s circumstances are unique, these foundations can serve as pillars of reasoning when facing a tough decision. For example, when evaluating temptation, a single person must assess if they would be entertaining unfaithful behaviors while they are still technically with their partner. This evaluation is particularly important for the soon-to-be ex-couple whose existing efforts in trying to hold onto each other receive validation from the idea that if neither chooses to stray, perhaps their relationship is worth saving.

Loneliness is also a factor one must take into account. Not having someone to turn to at their worst moments can seem daunting, even if only temporarily. Afterwards, that individual is met with a period of uncertainty as they traverse through learning how to identify themselves as a person independent of their relationship. During these times, depending on the individual, temporary social media breaks, refraining from shopping, avoiding sources of entertainment, or participating in activities resulting in favors such as helping those within their community can lead to true self-reflection while mitigating loneliness in the long run.

As we progress into the light of understanding why two people are parting ways, guilt rushes to the forefront. Guilt is an emotion tied to self-preservation, yet ironically, it pushes us to adversely focus on what we did wrong versus evaluating our successes in the overall relationship. When Kelsey considered breaking up with her boyfriend, she thought more about what she’d be taking away from him than adding to her future.

These emotions can be so attention gripping that it’s easy to forget about finances. Especially for the financially dependent, the thought of being joined at the hip by company debit cards and possessing joint bills can cause a large amount of hesitation and distress. Whether it’s an uneven split of shared assets or a lengthy process associated with transferring ownership of shared property, money remains a top concern amidst any divorce-like splits.

And lastly, while all of the above can weigh heavily, the sense of knowing your identity and arming yourself with a support system are paramount in weathering this storm. Often times, divorced folks or current active non-married couples can feel isolated and define themselves by their former status, leaving them feeling unhappy, insecure and undeserving of good fortunes. Being torn between two worlds can be exciting and liberating on one hand and depressing and overwhelming on the other. Kelsey fearfully admits that having to speculate how the rest of her life will play out without her partner was frightening, yet at the same time offered her a reprieve from the constricting state of limbo she created for herself.

Setting free from an unhealthy relationship, especially when terminal illness is involved, requires an enormous amount of personal strength and will-power. However, as painful and hard as it can be for the one leaving it could prove beneficial for both parties. As Kelsey put it, “moving on does not equate to giving up. It’s more of me finding the courage to do something that’s best for me and the the dude because if I stay in this situation and I burn out, I won’t be able to give him the care he needs and deserves.”

At the end, it’s important to understand that when two hearts are connected, regardless of how hard it may seem, it can sometimes be better to move on independently. Respectfully untying the knot and setting two spirits free is no easy feat but is nevertheless feasible, and arguably necessary, in order to achieve personal growth and achieve an inner peace that a relationship cannot provide.