Boundaries; Where You End and I Begin

Excerpted from
Boundaries; Where You End and I Begin
By Anne Katherine, M.A., C.M.H.C., C.E.D.T.

Phil's Story: When I married Carla, I thought I'd captured the sweetest flower on the face of the earth. She was so fresh and pink and shy. Nothing like my mother, who could stop a Sherman tank if she'd a mind to.

She loved to hear me talk. I admit it, I liked it. When had my parents ever listened to me?

I worshiped her. She was like a queen to me-the utmost in feminine grace. I wanted to buy her everything. I wanted to give her fancy clothes, the best house, anything she wanted.

She didn't need to work. Why should she use herself up in a job that didn't matter? I make three times what she can make. She can stay home and I'll take care of her. I don't need much. A hot meal when I get home. To walk through the door and see her lovely face. I wait all day for that. Is it so much to ask?

Really, that's all I wanted from her. To be home when I got there. To have dinner ready. To let me make love to her. Someone please explain to me what is wrong with this.

Don't you understand how much I love her? I love her more than life itself. I would gladly give my life for her.

I never meant to hit her. I wanted to cut off my hand after I did it. It horrified me. I'm not one of those men who thinks his wife deserves a beating.

I would like you to understand my side though. I had dropped into Owen's to pick up a present for her. My every thought is on her. I'm absolutely faithful to her. I wouldn't even look at another woman.

Anyway, I was headed to the lingerie section-that's on the other side of linens and bedding. I glanced over there and saw this beautiful woman laughing. She was so merry and I thought how lucky the man with her was, to bring such joy to his woman. When I saw it was Carla, I went crazy. Doesn't anyone understand that? I would buy Kentucky if I could put such a look on Carla's face. Another man, even a priest, giving that to her? No. I couldn't bear it. She's mine and mine only.

I don't understand the problem over the election. I was just trying to prevent Carla from making a mistake. She doesn't know these guys like I do. Ken White's a member of my club. He's a great guy. It's good for us to know people in office.

I don't believe she's lost interest in lovemaking. When we married, she was incredible-fresh, innocent, and passionate too. I have to express my love for her in every way, physically as well as through words and actions.

The therapist asked me if I knew how Carla thought, if I knew what her interests were. I can answer that. She likes a clean house. She likes to cook. She likes to be attractive for me. She's a real lady, in the good old-fashioned sense. She likes to be active.

She's a wonderful hostess. Anyone could tell you what fun they had when they came to our house for dinner. She knows how to put people at ease, make them feel welcome. I was always very proud to be with her. We had lots of wonderful evenings, just the two of us. I'd read or talk, she'd do needlework and listen. What was it you asked? About her interests. Right. She likes to entertain and to do handiwork.

You want me to tell you more about her? What does it matter? What matters is that I love her. I'd do anything for her. That's the most important thing in the world. Nothing else counts.

Can This Marriage Be Saved?

Maybe. It's always a problem in a relationship if a person holds one strict view and can't take in an alternative perspective. It's comfortable to believe there's only one way to look at things and that nothing beyond that view exists. If Phil doesn't know about it, it doesn't exist. Period. He may truly love Carla enough to break his tightly held pattern, or he may find another woman to worship (and control) and continue through life in the dark about himself.

Their relationship illustrates well the difference between enmeshed involvement and true intimacy.

So the closeness desired in a committed relationship includes physical and emotional intimacy, knowing each other very well, understanding the other's thought processes, and an awareness of differences and similarities in perspective, opinion, attitude, preference, ideals, values, and goals. This intimacy includes the freedom to disagree, to want something different, and to have different needs.

What about too much difference? What is too much distance in a committed relationship?