What Is Anger?

Excerpted from
Boiling Point the Workbook: Dealing With the Anger in Our Lives
By Jane Middelton-Moz, Ph.D.

Anger is a word that is commonly used to describe a wide range of emotions. I asked a number of people how they would define anger. Below are two examples of the descriptions given:

A woman, age thirty-two, a housekeeper: "Anger is rage inside you that you can't cope with or deal with."

A man, age twenty-seven, a restaurant manager: "Absolutely no control over a situation. Feelings of powerlessness."

The words these two people used to describe anger were:

. Rage
. Inability to cope
. Out of control
. Feelings of powerlessness

FOCUS ON THE EXPRESSIONS OF ANGER THAT YOU HAVE SEEN, HEARD OR EXPERIENCED AROUND YOU (from significant others, coworkers, family members, neighbors, etc.). WHAT ARE THE WORDS YOU WOULD USE TO DESCRIBE THE ANGER YOU HAVE WITNESSED? (Examples: abusive, hurtful, direct, assertive, etc.)




 

THINK OF THE TIMES YOU HAVE BEEN ANGRY IN THE PAST MONTH. WHAT ARE THE WORDS YOU WOULD USE TO DESCRIBE YOUR ANGER? (Examples: simmering, loud, tense, direct, cold, etc.)




 

Given the degree of violence and depression surrounding us every day, it is not surprising that most people attempting to define anger actually use words that describe unhealthy anger. Anger is a HEALTHY EMOTION. It is a WARNING SIGNAL that something is wrong. Anger is very much like a loyal friend that comes by to visit every once in a while. Anger ALERTS US to potential physical or psychological trauma. It PROVIDES US WITH THE ENERGY TO RESIST EMOTIONAL OR PHYSICAL THREATS. It aids in our AWARENESS OF OUR EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES and HELPS US SET PROTECTIVE LIMITS.

Just as fear signals danger, loneliness lets us know that we need to connect with someone, and guilt makes us think twice before we hurt another's feelings or act against our value systems, anger helps us to survive and can motivate us to make needed changes in our lives.

Anger can also mobilize us to direct our energies toward making much-needed changes in our world when faced with injustices. Consider, for example, Mothers Against Drunk Drivers (MADD) or people who fight for needed legislation regarding child abuse and neglect. Many people who work hard to make the world a healthier place are fueled by anger.

The ability to experience anger allows us to survive. Anger lets us know when we are emotionally hurt, being treated unfairly, in need of protecting ourselves, etc. When we try to deny our anger, bury it, intellectualize it, minimize it or ignore it, we turn healthy anger into unhealthy anger.

For example:

Joyce had recently accepted a position as a receptionist in a corporation. Toward the end of her first week of work, her boss yelled at her, blaming her because he had missed an appointment. She clearly remembered letting him know of the appointment and showed him that the missed meeting had been written in his appointment book. He apologized briefly, adding that it was not sufficient to advise him of an appointment and write it in his book, but she must remind him of the appointment regularly. As the days progressed, similar incidents occurred. Joyce was blamed for late reports, missed appointments and errors in contracts. It appeared that her boss made errors regularly and that every mistake he made was blamed on Joyce. Even though she examined the allegations each time, presented him with a contradictory reality and heard his apologies, she began looking for another job at the end of the first month of her employment. Her anger let her know that the good salary and benefits weren't worth the continual attacks on her self-worth.

THINK OF A TIME WHEN THE ANGER YOU FELT HELPED YOU TO MAKE HEALTHY CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE:

The situation:

 

What I told myself was:

 

The feelings I experienced were:

 

The changes I made were:

 

THINK OF A TIME WHEN YOU IGNORED YOUR FEELINGS OF ANGER AND RESISTED MAKING A CHANGE:

The situation:

 

What I told myself was:

 

The feelings I experienced were:

 

My choices were:

 

We've All Been Carefully Taught

When we are young, we learn by the example of adult role models in our lives. They teach us how to deal with feelings of sadness, frustration, helplessness, anxiety, stress and anger. We learn either how to pay attention to our bodies and respond appropriately to the messages they give us, or how to ignore our bodies and numb out. We learn either how to honor and respect ourselves and our emotions, or how to discount ourselves and ignore our feelings. We learn either how to honor and respect the thoughts and feelings of others, or how to believe there is only one right way (ours) and how to look out for "Number One." We gain knowledge concerning what is important to value and what to dismiss as unimportant. We either learn balance or how to manage as best as we can without balance.

By age five, many of us had already learned-through observation, physical punishment, shaming or having love and affection withdrawn-that anger was not acceptable. In order to learn healthy anger expression, it is important for us to understand what we have been taught about anger.

Erica's lessons about anger:

I only knew one set of my grandparents. I clearly remember what they taught me about anger. My grandfather taught me that anger was something to be afraid of. He expressed anger through swearing and stomping around. He was very impatient, and his anger scared me.

My grandmother, on the other hand, taught me that anger was healthy. She expressed healthy anger. She set limits and boundaries. Expressing anger was okay. Abuse was not.

My mother taught me that anger should be controlled and internalized. She took anger out on her body. She taught me to express only sadness and happiness. Being upset and angry was not okay.

My father taught me that anger was fury to be feared. He expressed anger through throwing stuff around. It seemed like the end of the world when he got angry. He'd break stuff, then get in the car and screech away. He would also talk about divorce. Only the family knew this side of my father. To those outside the family, he was always the "nice guy."

Neighbors and friends of the family all seemed to teach me similar things about anger. Men were out of control with their anger, which was dangerous. Women were not allowed to be angry. There was no room for their anger.

WHAT DID YOU LEARN ABOUT ANGER? WHAT WERE THE MESSAGES YOU RECEIVED FROM ADULT ROLE MODELS? HOW DID THEIR EXPRESSIONS OF ANGER MAKE YOU FEEL? HOW DID YOU REACT TO THE EXPRESSIONS OF ANGER AROUND YOU? (Teaching is not only directed through words. Emotional expression is often taught through body language, what is said and not said, silence, attention or lack of attention, etc. If you were not raised by parents or did not have grandparents, answer the questions using father, mother and grandparent figures. For some of you, older brothers and sisters also influenced your lessons about anger.)

WHAT MY GRANDMOTHER(S) TAUGHT ME ABOUT ANGER:

Teachings:

 

I felt:

 

I reacted to these lessons by:
 

WHAT MY GRANDFATHER(S) TAUGHT ME ABOUT ANGER:

Teachings:

 

I felt:

 

I reacted to these lessons by:

 

WHAT MY MOTHER(S) TAUGHT ME ABOUT ANGER:

Teachings:

 

I felt:

 

I reacted to these lessons by:

 

WHAT MY FATHER(S) TAUGHT ME ABOUT ANGER:

Teachings:

 

I felt:

 

I reacted to these lessons by:

 

WHAT MY EXTENDED FAMILY MEMBERS (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) TAUGHT ME ABOUT ANGER:

Teachings:

 

I felt:

 

I reacted to these lessons by:

 

WHAT MY NEIGHBORS AND THE FAMILIES OF MY FRIENDS TAUGHT ME ABOUT ANGER:

Teachings:

 

I felt:

 

I reacted to these lessons by:

 

WHAT I LEARNED IN SCHOOL ABOUT ANGER:

Teachings:

 

I felt:

 

I reacted to these lessons by:

 

WHAT I LEARNED FROM BROTHERS AND SISTERS ABOUT ANGER:

Teachings:

 

I felt:

 

I reacted to these lessons by:

 

What Erica learned to tell herself about anger:

Erica suffered recurring bouts of depression throughout her early life. Her first relationship with a man was with one who was verbally abusive.

"When I was a teenager, I sometimes felt my anger was out of control. I was terrified that I was becoming like my dad. Later, whenever I got angry, I would tell myself to think about it. I would berate myself for my feelings and tell myself I was becoming like my dad. I now realize that I never allowed myself room for my own anger. Instead of acting out anger like my dad, I denied myself the right to feel. I became like my mom. I didn't take it out on my body, I became depressed instead."

"What I tell myself today about anger is that it is healthy to experience anger at times but not okay to lash out at people around me. I now also tell myself that it isn't okay to emotionally beat up on myself. After I was able to examine what I learned and experience the shame I felt every time I experienced anger, I realized I'm not my dad or my mom. I learned not to be afraid of my anger. I learned not to personalize the anger of others and was no longer afraid of my father's outbursts."

Over the next week, pay attention to the messages you give yourself about anger. On the following page, list the messages as well as your responses.

(Example: Erica)

Messages
If I get angry, I'll be like my dad.

Responses
I rationalized and intellectualized my angry feelings, then had a two-day bout of depression.

MESSAGES I GAVE MYSELF ABOUT ANGER THIS WEEK:

My Responses:

 

Erica realized that she had been operating on several myths about anger:

. Anger is an unhealthy emotion.
. Anger, if expressed, is hurtful and dangerous.
. Men express anger and women don't.
. Men can't control their anger.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE MYTHS YOU HAVE LEARNED ABOUT ANGER WHICH HAVE INFLUENCED YOUR BEHAVIOR?

 

Emotional competence does not come from hiding or ignoring feelings. Everyone has feelings. Healthy people experience a full range of feelings: joy, anger, sadness, relief, love. Competence comes in acknowledging these feelings for what they are-feelings-and realizing that they can be expressed in healthy ways rather than denied or used to manipulate, bully or control others. Because many of us have learned myths about anger, we don't consider anger as that "good friend" which stops by on occasion to warn us that we may need to make different choices, set boundaries, protect ourselves emotionally and physically, etc.

Consider the example of the difficult boss whom Joyce confronted in the beginning of the chapter. Joyce's anger allowed her to act in her own behalf, removing herself from an emotionally abusive environment. What might Erica have done in that same situation before she learned to make friends with her anger? She had grown up with a father who regularly abused his family emotionally with his anger. Rather than listen to the lessons her anger was teaching her, Erica might well have joined her boss in blaming herself, rationalizing his behavior and tolerating his abuse. Two against one is never good odds. Without the benefit of anger as a "healthy, observant friend," she may well have stayed in the job, allowed regular emotional abuse and experienced frequent bouts of depression. Erica learned to hide her fears and anger behind masks of rationalization, denial and compliance, causing her greatest survival instinct to become the captive of a painful past.