Successful Communication with Toddlers

Excerpted from
The Happiest Toddler on the Block: The New Way to Stop the Daily Battle of Wills and Raise a Secure and Well-Behaved One- to Four-Year-Old
By Harvey Karp, M.D., Paula Spencer

What You Say Is Not as Important as the Way You Say It - Finding the "Sweet Spot"

Most people think that what we say is the key to good communication. Of course, words are very important, but when you're talking to someone who is upset (mad, sad, scared, etc.), what you say is much less important than the way you say it.

Big emotions trip up our brains! They make our logical left brain (the side that understands words) stumble and stall while allowing our impulsive right brain (the side that focuses on gestures and tone of voice) to hijack the controls.

So when we're upset, we need someone to respond in a way that will get through to our right brain. That's why if you pour your heart out to a friend and she just parrots back your words with a blank face and a Hat voice, you'll end up feeling even worse. Even if your listener's words are totally accurate, if they're spoken in an emotionless way, you'll end up feeling like she just doesn't "get it," and that will make you feel even worse.

Now that you know how to echo an upset person's words, you're ready to learn how to put some emotion into your words so your friend feels understood and cared about. Mirroring the right amount of emotion is super-important. Use too little and your friend will feel you don't really get it. Use too much and she'll think you're being hysterical or making fun of her. I call mirroring just the right amount of emotion "hitting the sweet spot."

To hit your upset friend's sweet spot you should try to reflect about one-third of her emotional intensity in your tone of voice, face, and gestures. Then, as she calms, you can gradually return to a more normal way of talking.

Here's an example to help illustrate the importance of hitting the sweet spot.

Imagine you just got fired and you go to see a friend so that you can pour your heart out. Which of these scenarios would make you feel the most cared about and comforted?

Your friend, who happens to be a robot, sits perfectly still and mechanically acknowledges your troubles: "Carol . .. that is terrible. . . . You must feel so sad."

Your friend, a drama queen, wildly waves her arms, eyes bugging out in horror, as she blurts, "Oh, no! That's horrible! You'll starve!"

Probably neither! The robot's emotionless delivery feels cold. The hysteric reacts with such a flood of emotion that she may make you feel even more lonely and misunderstood. Most of us prefer our friends to respond with words and gestures somewhere in the middle range of intensity.

Looking concerned, your friend sighs and says sincerely, "Oh, noooo. Oh, Carol... Oh, noooo." That may not be terribly eloquent, but it's deeply comforting because your friends tone and expression let you know that she is sympathetic and respectful of your pain. She has connected with your sweet spot.

With a little practice, you'll find that hitting the sweet spot will become as easy and automatic as returning a smile.

Tips for Finding the Sweet Spot with People of All Ages

In general, a person's sweet spot is a couple of notches lower than her level of agitation. But it varies from one person to the next. For example:

• Toddlers have really big emotions, so they usually need us to be more demonstrative to reach their sweet spot.

• Shy kids and adult men tend to be less emotionally expressive and may even feel mocked if their feelings are mirrored too closely. They do better when we underplay our response and aim lower to find their sweet spot.

• Teens can be very dramatic, but they don't like us to be dramatic when we acknowledge their feelings. So "aiming low"-by being caring, but a bit subdued - is usually the best way to hit their sweet spot.

Practicing the FFR

The easiest way to master this new style of responding is to try it out with a friend who is just a little upset. Narrate your friend's feelings with a bit of caring emotion on your face and in your voice. Then, as you get more comfortable with the technique, try using it with someone who is very upset.

New habits take time to learn. So don't worry if you find you keep forgetting to use the FFR at first. Before you know it, you'll be amazed by how many compliments you get for being a great listener, a great friend, and a great parent.

Common Questions About Using the FFR with Children

Q: Don't I get to speak first? After all, I am the parent.

A: Of course your child must respect you, and you'll have many opportunities to reach her that. But when she's upset, insisting that she wait for you to talk first will make her feel unloved.

Were forever reminding kids to wait their turn. Well, the best way to teach that is to practice what we preach.

Q: I find the Fast-Food Rule a bit unnatural. Will I ever get used to it?

A: Like any new skill, it takes practice. But most parents find that the FFR becomes almost automatic after just a week or two.

Q: If my child falls and doesn't cry, do I have to use the FFR?

A: The FFR says to mirror a bit of your child's response. So if your child doesn't seem upset about the fall, just casually comment, "Wow! You fell. That was a big boom."

Q: Should I use the FFR when I think my son's complaints are unreasonable?

A: Initially, yes. You'll have an easier time getting him to respect your view if you first let him know that you see his side of things.

Q: Do I ever get to give my message first?

A: Sure. Remember, the FFR says, "Whoever is most upset goes first." Usually that's your toddler, but you go first if she's in danger, being aggressive, or breaking an important family rule. After all, in those situations you're the one who is most upset.