Very, Very Confused

As the title says, I am very, very confused. I don't know what I want and I don't know what he really wants. We have been in a relationship for 1.5 years now, and I have stronger feelings of unhappiness about this relationship rather than elation. I assume he does too. But I don't want to give up on us - not yet. For the past few months, we have been on and off, with me always breaking things off and then chasing afterwards. He's told me that he wants out of the relationship and I have kept pleading for him to give us a chance. I admit I have been treating him badly and have been very controlling and needy. I'm convinced the reason we are still together is because I always chase after him. But if he genuinely wants out, why doesn’t he just block me and stop responding to me altogether? This kind of gives me hope that he does want to be with me, and that he’s just become sick of all the fighting. I think I'm suffering from the "I want what I can't have" syndrome.

Last week, we had an ugly fight that opened my eyes – that made me realize how awful of a girlfriend I had been – someone who constantly needs validation of his love instead of just appreciating what he already does for me. We mutually broke up and I had my friend go over to his house to pick up stuff that I had left behind. I texted him things like “I love you, but I have reached my limit blah blah” or “I am so sick of you telling me you’re sick of me whenever you’re angry with me”, and all he would say back was “ok”. I blocked him on my phone, but received an email from him telling me to come over to his place. I did not respond. This was before my friend picked up my belongings. About a half hour later, I went on his fb and saw that he’s changed his information, deleted our pictures, etc. I was furious and chaotically sent him texts accusing him of moving on already, not giving a **** about the breakup, etc. He replied with indifferent and short responses, and the conversation/argument escalated to him to telling me that his love for me has lessened because of my bad attitude towards him. He said he only loves me at 80% now (it’s childish!). He said “Can’t you see it? I’m not as attached to you anymore as I was before!” This drove me nuts. I guess what I couldn’t stand more is the fact that he doesn’t like me anymore, when he used to be head-over-heels with me. So being the needy woman that I am, I told him that his lessened love for me doesn’t change my love for him and that I will try to improve myself and be a better girlfriend, and that I will work towards bettering our relationship. I’m not sure if I should have, but I gave us an ultimatum of 2 months to work this out – if at the end of 2 months, he still feels like his love for me will never improve, then I would let him go. Meanwhile, I will try to be a good girlfriend to him and work on my attitude. He agreed. I also added that while we are in this period, I don’t want us exchanging “I love yous” as I feel those words are empty and will be said just out of routine anyway, and that he should only say it to me once he feels that his feelings are rekindled. Maybe this is childish for some of you, I don’t know. I am 23 and he is almost 28.

So we have been very okay since. No quarrels, no nothing. When he does something that irks me, I just stop replying to his texts and keep the irritation to myself instead of starting an argument again. We didn’t say “I love you” from Friday until Monday, when he called me and said it before we hung up. I didn’t answer. Later, he did again. I jokingly asked “Is it back to 100% now?”. He said “85”. I got upset, but I didn’t say anything – which I think is a huge improvement on my path towards becoming a better girlfriend because my usual self would’ve just snapped. We usually say I love you every time we hang up the phone or part ways. So now, basically, sometimes he says it, sometimes he doesn’t, and that gets me confused. So I calmly confronted him. I said “Didn’t we have an agreement that you’d only say those words once you feel that your feelings are back? I feel uncomfortable hearing that from you when I know it’s still at “85%”, but I have to admit that I also feel a bit hurt when you don’t say it.” But you know, I’d rather him not say it at all at this point. He apologized and said it won’t happen again. But guess what, it happened again and it’s getting me so frustrated. I am willing to wait as long as he doesn’t play around with my mind and feelings. I don’t want to keep confronting him about this because I don’t want him to reach a point when he will just say it and tell me it’s real when in fact it really isn’t yet just to shut me up. Yesterday at lunch he called me and said it again. Then he added “90%” without even me saying anything. What the heck, I responded with “I love you too”. When we hung up, I expected him to say it again, as he normally does. He didn’t. Okay. Last night when we were cuddling (we don’t live together), he said it again with “90%”. I just looked at him. This morning when he called before I went to work, he said it. I kinda snapped. I said “What is wrong with you? I thought you understood!” He said, “it’s at 90%”. I said “don’t be fake with me.”. He said “I’m not being fake with you. I love you and I feel it and I want to say it. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t feel it.” So I told him that I loved him too. Like normal. With that, I expected him to say it again when we hang up because I assumed we were over this percentage crap. I mean either he loves me or he doesn’t. He didn’t say it. I am so confused. Why does he do this? Why couldn’t he just stick with the agreement? I know this shouldn’t be a big deal because, like I said, he either loves me or he doesn’t, but I feel like he is toying with my emotions. I console myself by theorizing that he’s probably holding it in because he wants to wait it out if I’m consistent with my path to becoming a better girlfriend. I’m thinking maybe he doesn’t want to say it again like normal because he’s worried that I may just turn back into a witch as soon as I’m confident that he loves me again the way he used to. Sometimes I just want to just… disappear unannounced for a week. I just have to muster up the courage to do NC.

Hmm I don't like the sounds of the way he treats you. Sure neither one of you is perfect of course no one is, but unconditional love is not about what you do or don't do. It's not expressed or felt in percentages. You shouldn't have to feel like you are begging for someone's love by acting perfect for them to their standard.