Anxiety and relationship

I just broke up with my boyfriend who I am deeply in love with and who is deeply in love with me. But the relationship was causing me anxiety because of his inner aggression and restlessness and dependency on weed.

We met last summer after I graduated from college and he was moving to Florida in a couple months to cut back on his drinking and work on self betterment. We instantly bonded. The sex was amazing and it felt very soulful and magical with him. We were also partying alot, I was smoking more weed then I am used to and drinking as well, but I had just graduated. He constantly told me how beautiful and amazing I was. When he left we stayed in contact and often spoke. He struggled with family, work and becoming more sober. I was struggling with supporting myself after graduating. I am an artist and had to be a waiter. I was very bad about being a waiter because I lied about my experience. I was going to see him in Florida but checks from work bounced, it was a year anniversary of a close friend who committed suicide. I didn't sleep that week because of grief, losing my job, having no money and the excitement and worry of going to Florida. I thought I was enlightened and meeting my soulmate. On the way to Florida I had a panic attack on the plane, I thought I was going to die or my boyfriend was going to kill me. I got off the plane sobbing. He comforted me and told me he loved me. But I noticed I wanted calm and he was so restless, smoking and still struggling with drinking. He is bipolar and there is an intensity to him that I am crazy attracted to and also exhausted by. After that panic attack, I noticed that I was constantly anxious. Afraid of losing my job, easily irritable, enjoyed alot of things less, worried alot about my life. When he came to Chicago for a short trip to have job interviews but also slipped back into his old way of drinking.Partying most nights and drinking. I nearly broke up with him but he promised to wait and he would get better.

He moved back to Chicago and did cut back on his drinking and worked full time and was very loving and supportive. But I was still anxious and not completely happy in the relationship though I felt intense passion and love from him. I still felt hurt from the past and worry about our future since he was bipolar and easily stressed. He gets easily upset and dissatisfied, though very rarely directed at me. He smoked weed every night as well. I questioned our relationship even things were better because of his intense moods and my empathy and his weed smoking and my anxiety about life. However he was so so loving every night he would tell me he loves every time he woke up. His embrace put me in heaven.I lost my job because I was a bad server but I began teaching art, which is more of my passion. I also had a lot of performance and art opportunities which I was excited and nervous about. I left to LA, because I had planned this trip awhile ago. But family dynamics, worry about new work and our relationship caused me to have numerous panic attacks in LA and coming back. When back I expressed my concerns to him and he repeated he loved me and wanted to make it work. We continued to fight. But I kept hearing this voice that I needed to break it off or something horrible would happen, I thought maybe it was intuition or my gut. I have had stomach problems since anxiety attack. A week ago I broke it off and have been devastated ever since. He hasn't contacted me though I sent an email, expressing my love but doubts. My anxiety has worsened and I fear I lost my soulmate and hurt him deeply. Every morning before and after the break up, I feel intense knots in my stomach and anxiety, which continues through out the day though I can function. I night I feel fine, though now I miss him deeply. I think about how much he showed love for me but constantly telling me how much he loved me and how beautiful I was and seeking to better himself for me. I still love him deeply and the only that thing that calms me down is hugging my pillow and imagining its him. Do I move on? Do I contact him? I know he is very angry with me and would mostly likely be very mean if I contacted him. I miss him so much that living feels difficult at the moment, but it felt confusing to have this intense anxiety and be with him as well.