Break up Diary

Hey Everyone,

So today is day 11 of no contact for me. Woohooo! I actually don't feel that great but I'm proud of myself for keeping NC for this long. So a very short background: I was with him for about 10 months (on and off) and I have never been truly happy (and it seems like neither was he). I was the one who would always break up with him bcs I could never trust him. He was always texting girls and had naked pics of his ex on his computer. But it was always very difficult for me to keep it because he would come back begging and trying to talk and also because I am right now at the place where I don't have friends or my family so no social support. By the end of the semester he realized this and right when I decided that we should be with each other at least until the end of the school year he broke up with me. I wasn't going to let go but eventually decided to start a no contact.

The first few days it wasn't that difficult for me mainly because I had my sister here with me. But it started to be more difficult when she left. I felt lonely and I didn't have many people to talk to. So now I'm on day 11. He wrote me on fb that he loves me and he wished me a happy thanksgiving. Of course I didnt reply and I cut myself from fb, twitter or instagram so I don't check what he is doing. I try to stay away from here although sometimes i bump into him and I try to distract myself by reading books and exercising. As regards to my feelings I have realized that the longer I go no contact the sadder I get because I am thinking why is he not contacting me? Did he ever loved me? But then I remember that I was the one who started this. And it instantly feels better. I could have wished him a happy Thanksgiving back and wished him good luck with exams and maybe that way he would feel more encouraged to contact me but I didn't do it. And I am proud of myself for that. However, I realize that there's a long way to go. They say it takes 5 months to get over someone. And 60 days to feel empowered again. So I have about 49 days of to feel empowered and 4 and more than half months to be over him. I cannot wait!

Good job toughing it out and sorry it's been so hard. What's it like when you bump into him do you say anything or try to look away and distract yourself?

It's very painful but I didn't talk to him. I just tried to look away. It seems immature but I am not doing it because I am mad at him but because it's not helpful for my healing process.

No I totally get it's not out of anger and I don't think it is immature at all. I applaud you for keeping your cool in that type of situation.

Thank you

update day 11: Half way through the day. Don't feel amazing. Rather sluggish and don't feel like doing anything. The thoughts of the past break ups are creeping into my mind. The memories of our fights and of the things I went through with him are constantly coming back. It doesn't hurt anymore like it used to but it leaves me feeling depressed and sad. So I decided to change that and maybe even kind of challenge myself for the rest of the day. I want to go to gym, read at least 50 pages the book I bought, eat well and watch something funny. We'll see how that will help me. Hopefully I will feel better

Your welcome I hope it's gets better for you soon. Only 49 more days to go lol I'll think you'll beat that timeline

Thank you

Day 12:

Yesterday before sleeping I wrote all of the things that happened before he left me. It was so painful. During this entire 12 days I never looked back and thought about what actually happened before he left. I cried for about 1 minute and for the rest of the time I would read a book or something. But this was actually the first time I took the time to look back. Write it all down and feel the pain. I cried so bad. And then I wrote all of the things I can do now that he is gone. The list was so long! It felt great! And I have realized that it's actually good that he is not in my life. I can achieve so much more without him. It was definitely liberating.

When I woke up this morning I didn't feel as good as when I went to sleep at night. One because I had dreams about him and also because I think he is with this first year girl. It definitely made me sad. I cannot stop thinking about him even though I know that he is not good for me at all. Why does that happen? If we know that they are bad people why do we still think about them? Either way I have only 10 more days to go home and finally get out of this place!

Day 13, 14 &15

Day 13 and 14 was very difficult. These were the days when I had to admit to myself truly face it that it's the end. It was incredibly painful. I think I still hold a little bit of hope and thought maybe he will apologize. Maybe not get back together. But I just gave up on that because I wanted to move on with my life. I wanted to be happier. And just let go. Blocked him on fb and everything else. I had his number already deleted so that was not a problem. I finally cried my heart out. That's what I was waiting for. I talked about it to my sister and that really helped me a lot. Today, day 15, I feel much better. I feel actually like I am getting to a point where I can breath. Don't get me wrong though. I am not fully recovered. But I am not living in an illusion anymore.

Things that helped me and I recommend it to everyone:

1. Make a list of all of the things that you couldn't do when you were with him/her and look at that list and realize how much your life can be better

2. Find something you really want to achieve and concentrate on that. Shift your focus from a breakup completely on that task. For me it was exercise, eating healthy and reading

3. When you think about him/her acknowledge it and shift your thoughts to something else. Even if it would be 20 times or more that you have to do it it's ok because it will go from 20 to 19 to 18 day by day. One day you will wake up and you don't even have to do that. Monitoring your thoughts and changing them will help you feel better more than anything you've done! I guarantee you that!

4. Watch a show that you really like. This helped me especially over the weekend because I didn't want to go out and see him. I didn't feel lonely when I was watching a show.

Hope this will help someone out there.

Day 16, 17 &18:

It's interesting but I feel a lot better than I felt last week. I don't know what he is doing. And I am not even asking anyone about him. That made it easier for me to just focus on myself and on my recovery. I had these moments where I would be angry as hell!! I just wanted him to suffer and I wanted him to be punished, but every time I would have these angry thoughts I couldn't recover from it for hours. I would think about the kinds of ways he could be punished and be unhappy. It would go on and on and on. But yesterday I had a moment of epiphany; the more I want him to suffer, the more I suffer. I have this negative energy inside of me that might or might not be released when he will be finally punished. That's not even guaranteed. So I decided that every time I become angry and remember the horrible things he put me through to just pray for him. Pray that he finds his path, that God helps him to come to peace with himself. That he stops lying and hurting people around him. This exercise helped me so much. Even though I am not over the fact that we've broken up I am getting over the anger I feel towards him. He is too immature to know what he is doing. It doesn't excuse his action of course and I will never get back together with him but I forgive him and wish him to be happy in his life. It's very liberating to have thoughts like these. In 4 day I am going home and I am sure that I will fully recover from all of this.

Besides praying for the person(you can do it even though you're not a very religious person) I exercise almost every day except for saturday and sunday. But this weekend I am going to do it even on those days. Exercising helps me actually a lot.

I also started to watch a show Friends. It's so helpful especial when I am done with work and I go back home I feel like I can look forward to something and I completely forget that I am alone.

I am still reading books and I listen to the songs that I know won't remind me of him. That's another thing that help me a lot. The one thing that hurt me and I cannot do anything about that is when I bump into him. That's really hurtful. Otherwise I am doing good.

Wow! Guess why I'm here Break up Diary! Same situation, hello!!??.

Today is day 11 of NC for me as well. As I write this, I'm literally dying. My boyfriend wanted to be left alone. This is the first time it happened, we've been together 6 years.

Long story short, he was going through some personal problems and wanted to be left alone for a while... I tell you, this was the saddest Thanksgiving I've ever had. It looks like it will be a sad Christmas as well... and yes, I'm expecting a lonely New Year, too, until I get over him.

I have decided to apply the NC rule and not chase him. I don't understand why he's shutting me out from his life. But, I told him I understand and respect his wishes to be left alone for a while. I don't know how long is "a while". Who knows?

I'm mad at him. I love him. I miss him. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I'm like a zombie. But he's the one who started this and I'm not gonna keep throwing myself at him.

I'm so glad I found this website. I needed to vent. I know my friends are tired of me talking about the same stuff. Sometimes it's easier to talk to people who are going through the same dilemma. Yes, have our own pity party, I guess.....

Stay strong. Tomorrow is day 12 for you and I!

Thanks I mean it's going to be my 19th day actually. It's been really difficult to be honest to go through all of this. I guess because I put my pride aside for him so many times that I don't even feel like it's going to be difficult not to text him or basically to contact him in any way. What is, however, more difficult for me is to accept that he will never contact me and accept that even if he does nothing will change. We are over. And he will never be part of my life anymore. That part always hurts me to the core! But as I said I came to conclusion that being hateful towards him about this will only hurt me. He has probably moved on with his life already. And I am happy for him. Wish him the best of luck. Hopefully he will one day realize that he hurts people around him with his behavior.

Day 19:

I don't think about him as much but the pain is still there. It's really sharp. Every time I think about him about how we used to kiss and when we would get back together and how happy we were even if it was just for few minutes. And I know that that's not helpful at all but I cannot help but think of that. I am very empty inside. I don't have any desire to do absolutely anything. Even though I feel better than last week I am scared that the feelings I have towards him will be there for a long time and I don't really want that to happen. I really was hoping that by day 60 I will be kind of over him to the point that if he will start something with someone I will not get hurt. I might think about it for a day or two but I am not going to be hurt. I am not sure anymore if that is possible or not just feeling depressed.

Day 33

I feel a lot better and a lot happier than I did before. I still have moments of sadness not bcs we broke up but bcs of how he was treating me. I definitely felt angry and for a little bit I didn't know how to deal with it but my sister said something that made everything so much brighter and better for me...she said it's not that I hate him it's bcs I love him and I am ashamed of that feeling and so I start hating him for it. It's better to forgive yourself for feeling it. It's better to forgive him too because it will set you back. And I feel lucky to know that. I started to think about my future and about what I want to achieve in life. I need to develop values and believes bcs I feel like I lost it all when I was with him. I need to start respecting myself again and forget that I have to take a revenge even if that revenge means only pictures on facebook to show him that I am happy, even if it's exercising and trying to find new friends bcs nothing that I will do will be driven based on him, based on the reaction to the break up. I have decided to achieve things that will be long lasting. And I don't want superficial friendships or anything similar to that anymore