How do I let go??

My ex was awful to me at times.He lied, cheated, etc. he is an alcoholic. He was also wonderful to me. It was exactly the love I wanted. We basically broke up 9 months ago but tried to reconcile many times but fell into the same ugly patterns. He has been sober and in AA since our breakup.

The love we shared when times were good was incredible and we planned a life together. We are both divorced and took this seriously.

I feel like we are both in a better place now. I'm getting over the anger and finding forgiveness and he is a different person Sober. and I really miss him and want to try again.

He doesn't want to be with me right now. He is seeing someone else now. He's keeping me around as a friend and it's killing me.

I know I need to let go. But it's letting go of 3 year and letting go of the future we planned together.

How do I let go? I need to walk away but I feel like I'm not strong enough!!

I need help. I need a voice of reason.

First, you stop being friends with him, because you cannot handle it right now. Maybe somewhere down the line, but not right now.

He is not a healthy man. He's only been sober for nine months, plus he's already in another relationship (which seems against what most rehabilitation programs advise).

He may seem like a different person, but technically speaking you've known him longer as an alcoholic than you have as a sober person. Change is hard and he likely still has a lot of internal work to do.

Also, consider this sentence you wrote, minus one portion: "My ex was awful to me at times. He lied, cheated, etc. he is an alcoholic. It was exactly the love I wanted." Whether he was good to you sometimes is irrelevant. You might need to get yourself some help to figure out why you were okay with someone lying, cheating, and drinking for three entire years.

Thank you, bulletproof. I am in therapy trying to sort out my personal issues.

I'm trying to see what are my issues and why I feel ok putting up with such behavior.

In my heart I think it's two fold. I really do love him but I also think I'm afraid to be alone for too long. I'm not without friends or others interested in me and I have been dating a lot. But no one seems to compare.

Maybe it was the drama that made me feel alive?

How do I let go?? I know I need to.

You have to stop speaking to him. First step in letting go.

And maybe you're right about the drama. So the next question you ask yourself is, Why did I enjoy that drama? And the answer may be that something is lacking in your own life that doesn't provide those highs/lows/passions. Think about your life as a whole. Does it feel lacking?

You can be afraid to be alone, but fear paralyzes us. It's really the worst motivator. Perhaps you should think about directly addressing that fear in your therapy sessions.

Do you have any experience with alcoholism in your family?

I am addressing the fear to be alone in therapy. I had very uninvolved parents and have over compensated my whole life by over achieving, Ivy League college, good career, marathon runner, etc.

I'm working on myself everyday. I know I deserve better.

I think that I am a passionate person and came off a long marriage that was passionless. I think he made me feel alive for the first time in years. Maybe I'm addicted to the highs.

I do have a family history of alcoholism. I also have a history of feeling ignored or not valued by my dad. I think I'm trying to change the past by making things better with this guy now.

I am rational and logical. I get all of this and can see I am not making good choices, but my heart won't let go.

I'm having panic attacks and full of anxiety. I can't sleep or eat. I just want it all to stop and I know it will if he comes back. At least for a time.

I feel like a drug addict or something. I just want to feel better NOW! At all costs. And I know that long term that is not healthy.

I'm feeling really desperate!

OP, my father is an alcoholic, and even though it's an entirely different relationship, reading this helped open my eyes to different character attributes of mine:

link removed

Like I said, different situation, but you may find it helpful.

Wow- dead on! Fits me perfectly.

Understanding is one thing- changing is another.

Now what?

Have you considered an anxiety med, either regular or as-needed? Just to get through this rough patch?

I don't like meds myself, but occasionally I do take an Ativan for particularly high anxiety.

In my opinion, the only things that can help are time, therapy, doing good things for yourself, and possibly some medication. You just have to be patient, which I realize is difficult.

Should I insist on no contact?

I do have some Xanax but I hesitate to use it much. I guess I may need to.

Time. I know. Time.

When I feel like I am in crisis mode that's a hard concept.

You don't need to "insist" on anything. You just need to do it yourself. Do not respond to any text/calls --- block them so you don't even know about them.

If you have an iPhone: Settings>Phone>Blocked>then put in all his contact numbers. You won't get any calls or texts that he sends you. If you ever unblock him, you also won't get anything he has tried to send.

It's important to put any numbers following that that he tries to contact you from.

If you feel like you're so anxious that you can't deal, take a Xanax and take a nap. I have them too and also shy away from them, but they do calm you down enough to think clearly.

I understand. I have been in crisis mode.

I don't think you have to make a grand proclamation of no contact. Just tell him that it's difficult for you to continue being friends and maybe it's something you can revisit at a later time. If he tells you he needs you for support, tell him he has AA, his gf, family, friends, therapy. He doesn't need you for that.

But I do think it's crucial that you stop speaking with him.

I know you are all correct. I caved today and met him for lunch. It crushed me at the end when I don't know when I'll see or talk to him again and I have no right to expectations. I told him that I can't do this anymore.

He says he still loves me but is confused. I know I can't keep hoping. And why am I even hoping? It's just crazy.

I need to let go. I just can't seem to do it for more than a few days at a time.

My ex was awful to me at times.He lied, cheated, etc. he is an alcoholic. He was also wonderful to me. It was exactly the love I wanted.

If lying, cheating, and alcohol abuse is what love feels like to you, you need more than no contact. You need therapy and potentially to go to some al-anon meetings yourself. You have deep emotional reasons for feeling fulfilled with chaos and highs/lows. Please seek help. Good luck.

Edit: Great - I see that you are in therapy. Ask your therapist for advice on how to let go.

I've been to some al anon meetings. I think I need more.

Again, I can be very clearheaded about all this until panic sets in.