How do you cope when you were the that caused the break up?

So i'll try to sum up my situation as quick as possible. Basically I've struggled with drug addiction for at least 1/4 of my life (Im 21 now, started having problems at 16). I began a long distance relationship with this girl and was with her for two years. Through out our relationship I struggled with my addiction and she was supportive but wanted to "fix me". The drug use was kinda on and off, but her last time visiting me is when everything went to . I spent a decent amount of time neglecting her and going out and getting high with friends while leaving her alone at my home. It was this behavior and me possibly not being physically attracted to her that caused issues. She was decently overweight and I'm a pretty good looking guy (workout n stuff) so this caused issues because I always knew in the back of my mind that I could always get someone hotter. The problem with this is, is that I completely under valued and didn't appreciate the many amazing qualities she did have....until she dumped me. I never focused on how kind, funny, sweet and nice she was, I only focused on superficial bull like looks...and then of course the drug use.

So now I am crushed. I really did love her but I never made her feel loved. I was such an to her, sometimes I made her feel unattractive and horrible about herself. She was such a sweet girl and I was such a . I don't wanna blame my addiction but the reality is anyone with a substance abuse problem that I've seen is always: selfish, manipulative, un-empathetic, deceitful, only cares about getting high (these traits when they are in active addiction, not sober). It's really hard to love someone when you have an addiction.

Of course now I am sober tho. I've been sober for about 2 weeks, the same time she broke up with me. Now that my head isn't clouded by drugs I want her back...but I know there's no way I am gunna get her back for a loooong time until I prove I have been clean for awhile. But even then I don't think I have a chance because of the whole "physical attraction" issue and just how I treated her in general.

It's just so hard knowing that I had a really special girl but I never tried my best at all in the relationship and I was a total . I loved her a lot, I really did. I have that whole "I don't think i'll find anyone better mentality" right now and it just sucks so bad. Like at least if I had known I tried my best during the relationship I could at least say I gave it my all and it didn't work out. But the fact is I didn't try for ....I just hate the fact all her friends and family are gunna be saying how bad of a boyfriend I was and reassuring her I'm no good.

It's just such a god damn ty situation to be in. I hate my drug addiction, it's taken away so many great things in my life. How can I ever forgive myself when it's all my fault? I can't even forgive myself so I know she never will!

Anyways, thanks for taking the time to read this. For anyone who cares I made a rap about the whole thing (people have said it's pretty good): youtube.com/watch?v=Xm08KATTpyY&list=UUPjM7liDdW6K5Wfd7RnBnDg

You could send her a message....much like your post but delete some parts. Apologize and tell her that the break up woke you up. That you know she deserves to be treated well and that someday she will have someone that she deserves. And that being with her changed your life.

This is my first post to this site and I didn't realize that swears were auto removed, so if something doesn't make sense just insert a swear word that would fit. But yeah I have sorta apologized already, maybe not as well a I could have. But i've read all this stuff about no contact and how you need to wait and let things subside a bit so thats what im trying to do right now. I sent her that rap song I posted and now I am not gunna contact her again for awhile I think.

Nothing has changed. You are still an addict. Just one who has been dumped recently.

Nothing has changed. You are still an addict. Just one who has been dumped recently.

Depends on how you look at it. It's been a learning experience so I've gained knowledge. That's a change. Been sober 2 weeks, thats a change. But I guess ya, not enough has changed.