Still devastated after 7 months- did he cheat or leave me for someone else?

7 months ago I had a nightmare breakup and I'm still depressed and think about it all the time. Has anyone had a similar experience and how did you heal?

We were really devoted to each other for over 6 years and had plans to marry until the last 6 months or so when it started going bad and we argued all the time. We were both driving each other crazy, he quit his job after losing his temper and stopped paying his half of the rent for 5 months. He didn't put any effort into looking for another job and I went broke paying his rent from my credit card. He was drinking too much and would cry and yell at me at 3am when I had to work then next day, a neighbor called the cops one night he was yelling so loud. I told him I couldn't live this way anymore. He moved out (it was a mutual decision, I think?) and got a job 4 hours away and we took the opportunity to take a break and be away from each other for a while to work on our issues, mine being anxiety and worry that came out of nowhere and made me not fun to live with sometimes. He still called and texted me all the time to tell me he missed me and loved me, and we visited each other a few times. We were still very together during this time and he asked me to wait for him a few months so we could save money and live together again. I was stupid and loved him so I agreed.

Suddenly he blocked me and all my friends and family on facebook, when just the week before that he told me he loved me and missed me like crazy, although I didn't hear from him for about a week before this happened. One of my friends who he forgot to block (he has +500 friends) showed me his profile and he was tagged by a pretty girl with a pic of flowers he gave her- it said "feeling special". He blocked me and about 30 other people right after that picture went up.

I texted him "you forgot to delete some of my friends. Hope Sarah likes her flowers!" I said he was dead to me and never speak to me again. He texted back that he found out I was impersonating him and sending harassing emails to an ex-girlfriend, which is a complete lie. He didn't say anything about this Sarah girl, he just lied about me impersonating him and said I was evil if I did that. I was in shock and told him he's a liar. He said (all by text, that's how we broke up) that he's sorry things have gone south but when he found this out about the ex-girlfriend he knew it would never work with us. That night I got a voicemail from a mutual friend saying my ex called him wanting some things he left in our storage unit and he'd help move them. I didn't respond.

My friend told me he posted on facebook a few days later that he found an amazing woman. I cried for days over that. I went out with my guy friend a couple of weeks later and we ran into his friends, so I made sure to hold hands with this guy and flirt and laugh a lot in front of the friends.

The ex texted me a month later saying he was in town and wanted to pick up his things so could I leave keys out for him, and I said sure just send me the $2500 you owe me in unpaid rent that you promised to pay me back and I'll arrange it. No further word. One of the things he left behind in the apartment was a travel journal from the beginning of our relationship- my friend read it and told me while he was travelling in Europe for a month with his friend, he had flings in every city.

We haven't talked since, I've blocked his number and email. I quit my job, got rid of all my stuff and moved back to my hometown accross the country to be with my family and friends I grew up with and get away from the memories. Last night I found out from snooping on facebook (I know, bad) that he's also moved here, where he has no connections, and is living here with the girl he cheated on me with. I'm devastated that he's still with her after 7 months, not because I want him back but I don't think he deserves to be happy and I want him to suffer the way I'm suffering. Where is karma? I feel betrayed, replaced and discarded. I also thought for sure it wouldn't last because of how unstable and difficult he was to live with. He's 35 and I'm 37 but I look younger and people tell me I'm beautiful, I have guys approaching me and asking me out but I have zero interest in trusting someone or even having fun. I can still barely eat, sleep or work. I feel ugly and second-rate after I saw his new girlfriend's profile picture and she's so pretty and young- my self-esteem is destroyed.

I also really want to believe that I broke up with him after I found him cheating, but some of my friends say he left me. For some reason I find being left for someone else a lot more painful than being cheated on and doing the dumping. I've since found out that he's cheated on every girl he's ever been with and has never been single, just jumps from one relationship to the next.

I'm still friends with a lot of his friends and family on facebook so I only post really happy updates and flattering pictures in the hopes my ex will hear I'm doing great, even though I'm not.

Sorry for the long post! Any advice on how to get past this?

I'm struggling to get past the "I'm 37 and I face-stalk"... I'm sorry. I'm 32, and I have no tolerance for any of that.

My advice:

Everyone deserves to be happy. Regardless if we're mad at them, hate them - whatever the reason. They deserve their happiness.

First and foremost: Let him be. You're 37 years old. You should hold enough wisdom and life experience to know, that this isn't the end of the world. Will it hurt? OMG Yes. The pain doesn't get easier with age, but its the wisdom that we've gained over the years, that helps us to move past the petty nonsense, that keeps us acting like grown women and not little girls. We don't face-stalk, we don't play games and try to make our ex's jealous.

We put on our big girl panties, cry in the privacy of our home, and we face the world with a brave F-you attitude. We walk with our heads held high, and we never stoop to such low levels. Thats the beauty of being in your thirties! Gone are the days of your twenties when this behavior was acceptable... In your thirties youre in control, youre beautiful, and you hold the wisdom that your twenty-something self was dying to have! If a man chooses to leave, so be it. You are wise enough to know that you'll get through this pain, just as you always have, and another man will be waiting when you're good and ready.

For now, take time to yourself. Heal. Quit worrying about him, his new girlfriend, and what theyre doing. Because while you're so focused on them and their life - your life is passing you by and wasting away. Youre essentially living your life through a morbid curiosity that is only hurting you worse.

Live and let live. Work on you. Put your big girl panties on, ignore them, and focus on YOU. Live YOUR life, not theirs. It was 6 years, so this wont heal over night. But over time if you stop meddling in his affairs, you'll find that you'll be on the mends in no time.

My break up is recent, only 5 weeks but she already has another guy.

I know it is really hard to stop snooping. I found things much easier by blocking my exes Facebook, and removing any mutual friends we had who felt the need to update me on everything she was doing.

It also difficult not knowing anything thou, because your mind starts to fill in the blanks. But you have a much better chance of moving on if you don't obsess over his Facebook, or care if he's watching your status updates or not.

OMG! I almost cried reading your post! For some reason it touched home....I understand what you're going through I've been in a similar situation. He's such a low life -douche bag -wanna be -son of a *****. I hate guys like that! It seems as though they enter people's lives just to ruin it. It says alot about him and how he must think of himself....Believe me he will get what coming to him in one way or another. Just continue to live your life and focus on YOU! Don't let him bring u down...u will look back at all of this and laugh so hard because you'll realize how stupid it was. By then you'll be married and happy with your new loving husband and he'll still be single and useless! Women will catch on to his BS and dump him immediately! Don't u let yourself deteriorate over him. In the end he will lose everything that was ever important to him. Karma is real and it's coming his way. So smile

Thanks for the reply and reality check. You're totally right. I've had some weak moments that I regret now, not gonna facestalk anymore

I think it's maybe not so much a matter of why he left as it is that he was always going to leave when life caught up with him and/or you realized you were staring at red flags and they were not going to go away. I say that, because from everything you detail I see red flags all over the place that you likely missed or excused away or he excused away and/or minimized or hid from you. And I say that because he came very unraveled very fast after quitting his job due to losing his temper. Are you sure he didn't get fired and just told you he quit? That sort of action isn't normally done, most of us are in control of ourselves enough to realize if we storm out after getting upset at work we won't be able to pay our rent. And we either suck it up or we quit and get back out there to find something ASAP. An emotionally healthy person doesn't go drinking, fighting with their SO and living off of them running their credit card debt up while they do nothing to get another job. And after the travel journal where he detailed flings he had the chances are good he hasn't been faithful to you for a very long time even before this latest girl.

I think the current girl is an escape for him or him hoping some other woman will slap a bandaid on whatever emotional baggage and/or hidden other problem he has going on. Or pay his bills and possibly some other habits you knew nothing about like drugs or alcohol. Nothing you detail here are the actions of a normally healthy sane individual who just left you for someone else or cheated on you, because they were going through a rough patch. What you describe makes me wonder what it is about this guy's life you don't know and probably don't ever want to know frankly.

And that whole thing with the ex-girlfriend and him accusing you of sending her those emails? Yeah, that's him having been the one who did that and now putting a paper trail in place to cover his tracks. I.e. if she ever finds out it was him he can say, "No it wasn't, it was my crazy ex. Here's the email where I confronted her about that." I say that, because I had an ex do something similar once accusing me of stealing from his mother and lying to someone else about it, a someone else I'd only met in passing and had no way to get in touch with. It turned out later my ex had stolen money from me and his mom and was just using the ruse to hide the fact he was stealing to buy drugs. So yeah, take what he says with a very big grain of salt and realize he's probably trying to cover his butt.

I don't think this guy left you for someone else. He cheated yes, but that's not it either. I think he has mental and/or some other sort of problem like an addiction to drugs or alcohol and he couldn't control it after a time and thus, the unraveling that unfortunately you were on the receiving end of. I'd say you dodged a bullet in the end, no matter what the reason because a good partner in life is the person who doesn't totally go berserker style cra-cra when life gets tough. And he, quite frankly, did. Stay NC, heal, sell his stuff for what little you can collect and realize the money he owes you is gone and likely isn't ever coming back. And brace yourself to turn him away if he ever shows up again, because this isn't a guy who just left you for someone else. This is a guy with clear mental issues of the "there is something seriously wrong with me and I get aggressive and nasty when I think someone is going to find out about it or they call me on my crap." He's not happy at all, he'a nuts bluntly speaking. And I think one day when you aren't in the thick of things you'll look back and realize there were warning signs almost from the get go that something wasn't right with this guy, because wow people can leave you for another relationship. But not the way he did, not even close.

First I am sorry for your pain. That whole situation is a real shock to the system and I can see why it has effected you so deeply.

Two, karma is not some cosmic mechanism for revenge. It is actually rooted in the notion of cause and effect. Effects are neither good nor bad; they just are.

You have the power to use this break up as the impetus for positive change for you. You are the controller of your feelings and destiny.

I would also encourage you to look at your OP and see all the red flags in the relationship. Red flags are signs we should end a relationship and not ignore them.

Take this as a learning experience. Never cover a man who can't pay rent. Don't put up with constant fights. And certainly don't stay with an unemployed guy who is not looking for a job.

You guys have no idea how helpful your words are for giving me new perspective and feeling less alone. Lots of wisdom here. Thank you!!

You're welcome. And you will move past this, because it is at the end of the day his loss, not yours.

Thank you. I definitely excused/ignored a lot of red flags, I see that clearly now, and this is definitely my lesson never to ignore those signs again.

You need to delete his family & friends from your Facebook. They are no longer a part of your life & you have no reason to try & impress them.

I think you need to let your family and friends know that you don't want to hear or talk about him anymore. My sister told me she saw my ex the other day and he looked really happy, I've told her not to tell me if she sees him anymore. I think the hardest part to accept is that they did something so hurtful to us, they made it into a forever choice. There is never any going back even if one day they come back begging if it had been a normal break then maybe but because of the way it ended, it's so final. It's hard to accept that people we spent so much time with and helped would do that. Your ex will beg one day and you will be able to say no with a smile on your face whilst you write it. You'll always be a better person than him and he knows it. Don't let him drag you down anymore he's not worth it.

I totally understand your hoping their relationship fails - as bad as it sounds, I have that secret desire too. I was left for someone else 4 months ago, and I struggle with thoughts of "Why should he get to be so happy with her, does he really deserve that after what he did?" They say if you love someone, you should want them to be happy, but that is very hard to do when you've been hurt and betrayed by them. Maybe in time I will be able to wish them well, but I'm not there yet. So I understand how you feel. As for karma, I believe that if someone hurts people, they will usually end up getting hurt themselves. I don't think you can cheat on and betray and hurt people and just go on to live a happy life, never having to reap any consequences for what you did. I believe a relationship that starts out by breaking someone's heart, will usually end the same way. What goes around comes around. But that's just me. My advice though is to stay away from him completely, away from social media and stop focusing on what he is doing. It will only drive you crazy (believe me, I know!). Try to focus on YOU, on bettering yourself. His relationship will either work out or it won't - it's not your problem now, HE is not your problem now. That is what I am trying to remember myself. It ended for a reason, and you are better off without him! I understand what you are going through, and I hope things get better soon!

And don't EVER take him back, even if one day he comes to you begging! You are no one's second choice or backup plan!