Long distance boyfriend caught holding hands with another girl...

I feel so confused... my boyfriend and I have been together a little over 8 months. The last two months have been long distance. The idea was to rejoin at the beginning of next year, after our work schedules settle down and I will potentially have the flexibility to move for him and work from home.

The start of our relationship was a little bit rocky. My boyfriend was dating his long time friend when I met him. He immediately confessed to me that while he had some feelings for her he wasn't completely attracted to her as more than a friend. Basically we got together when I put my foot down and said that I could no longer see him if he continued to date her. I always got the feeling that they had a convenience relationship, although I felt that my boyfriend truly cared about her in the sense that they got along really well and were good friends before they started dating. And when we started dating he really was an absolute sweetheart, he pulled out a lot of stops of woo me and win me over, little gifts, helping fix stuff around my apartment, etc.

However, a mutual friend of mine (from back where I used to live) said that she saw my boyfriend holding hands with this same girl about a week ago, just walking down the street. I confronted my boyfriend, telling him I didn't want to accuse him of anything but that a mutual friend told me that she saw him holding hands with another girl. My boyfriend admitted to it and basically said that it wasn't a big deal. That girl no longer lives in town (she also moved around the same time that I did), and was just visiting another friend in town for a few days (supposedly). The girl met up once with my boyfriend, and he said that she took his hand first. Basically he was saying he didn't want to make her feel bad and so he kept holding her hand. Apparently this girl is still in love with him, and he still remains on the fence. He says his feelings are the same as before - he genuinely cares for her but just something is missing.

This prompted me to ask (maybe foolishly) if he was sure about our relationship and about me. He told me no, but that was mostly related to the distance and difficult work schedules. Outside of that, he felt that we were really compatible and had a great time together. I asked if he wanted a break, and he told me that I was overreacting. He almost turned the situation around on me, saying that he was having a difficult time telling me things due to me overreacting. This is partially true, I previously got really jealous a couple weeks before when he visited with another female friend. But this has not happened frequently at all in our relationship. He still wants to be together, but I feel really crushed about the whole hand holding thing. I want to trust and believe in him, but this isn't the first time this girl has interfered with our relationship. I was planning on visiting him next month, since my schedule is more flexible than his. He was even planning on paying for half of my plane ticket. However, now I am just ridden with doubts... I don't know if I should spend money on a relationship like this... I love him but is this worth the investment in both time and money...?

I truly love him. I feel like my heart is telling me to stay, but my head is telling me to think twice... All in all, we have had a good relationship, but I don't know if I am truly overreacting or if this sounds like bad news....

Thank you so much for your help... I am really confused and have no clue what to do.

The point is, you're uncomfortable with his relationship and he over stepped boundaries that should've been pretty clear.

I have kind of a credo when it comes to relationships: if something is important or matters to one of you, it is, by nature, important to the other; and, that your SO's comfort is priority. That's when a balance of boundaries and expectations and compatibility comes into play. Some people are comfortable with this behavior, and others aren't.

My best friend is somewhat of a flirt and loves to kiss people - she finds boyfriends who don't find this a big deal. She also doesn't mind if they do it as well. But I know I couldn't be in a relationship like that. It isn't that either one of us is "doing it wrong" it's all relative.

You have an idea of how you expect your boyfriend to act, and he's not acting in that way. If you force him to behave a certain way that seems too difficult or uncharacteristic - that's when you have serious issues. But if it's as simple as stating that this isn't okay with you, then you two need to have more of a positive, heart-to-heart about what's appropriate.

Thank you, reading your response really helped me I was afraid everyone would tell me that I should break up with him!

Good news is that we talked a bit about having better limits with members of the opposite sex - just in general and with this girl in particular. He seems like he feels bad about it and definitely doesn't want to break up. He sticks by the story that he didn't want to make her feel bad and ruin the night by taking his hand away from her. I mean he isn't necessarily a HUGE flirt but he is really charismatic and everyone always loves him - both men and women. I honestly think in a way he likes the attention but sees it as harmless from his point of view. It actually lead to another conversation about how we could improve our relationship, and he said he has had a busy work schedule (finishing his master's degree, starting a new job, moving apartments) but that we can try talking more often (we talk right now about 2-3 times a week but message every day) and can try planning more frequent trips now that he will have more money.

I still feel worried and have some doubts. I am hoping to give it some time and see how things continue.

Any other thoughts...?

I personally would be very conflicted about breaking it off. But it would be on the table because that's just not the kind of behavior I expect and allow in a relationship.

But that aside, I'm just going to put it out there that holding her hand so as not to hurt her feelings is an answer that wouldn't fly with me.

His respect for you and your relationship whether in your presence or not takes priority over her feelings.

My bf did something like this a few months ago. He tried to placate an old friend when she made a fuss about wanting to see him. She mocked our relationship for being the reason they haven't hung out. He explained he's been busy but then said "okay okay fine we'll hang out soon"

I hated to see my bf swayed by this disrespectful girl. So I told him if he were in my shoes how would he feel about that.

Then we agreed he's not going to hang out with her. It's not appropriate.

You two must have this conversation about what's appropriate and if you have - you need to make sure he's not just agreeing with you like he agreed to hold her hand.

...

Apparently this girl is still in love with him, and he still remains on the fence. He says his feelings are the same as before - he genuinely cares for her but just something is missing.

This prompted me to ask (maybe foolishly) if he was sure about our relationship and about me. He told me no, but that was mostly related to the distance and difficult work schedules. Outside of that, he felt that we were really compatible and had a great time together. I asked if he wanted a break, and he told me that I was overreacting. He almost turned the situation around on me, saying that he was having a difficult time telling me things due to me overreacting. This is partially true, I previously got really jealous a couple weeks before when he visited with another female friend. But this has not happened frequently at all in our relationship.

This would be my red flag. If he is till on the fence with her then he isn't 100% with you. Regardless of what he says if he says he cares, is holding her hand (not a great excuse why) but something is missing it means he really isn't ready for a relationship. No amount of talking will get that to change. Men run on their own reasoning as to why they settle down and become monogamous in a relationship. You have to look at what you can tolerate and set boundaries that you won't change when he tries to flip flop on you.

I am having my own issue with this...I am just letting it go. It has been since January and I have accepted too much and received too little. Sometimes letting go helps them grow.

You started this relationship with cheating- even if you weren't sleeping with him, you were talking to him about breaking up with his GF to be with you, he listened and broke up with her, so that is a type of cheating. I have seen cheating come full circle with every person I have ever known to get into a relationship like this. He cheats on her to get with you, then you are shocked when he cheats on you to get with someone else (or back with her).

I'm not saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" but some people are like that. Of course you feel insecure because he never fully committed to you. He is still not sure if he wants you or someone else, after 8 months.

If you want to stay with him, you are going to battle the feeling of not being enough for him for a very long time, and in all likelihood, you will battle that feeling until he breaks up with you and moves on to the next women he's been seeing behind your back. It's up to you.