he's going to talk to his ex about their relationship

so this is what happened..

I am/was in a relationship for about 10 months now with an introvert and very reserved person. Reading my previous posts -if you like- you can get a grasp of what my concerns with him were.

I finally got him to open up to me…

5 years ago he left his long term relationship with his high school sweetheart, they were together for 13 years and things didn't really work anymore towards the end but they decided to stick it out and have a child. All opinions aside, because I sure do have them, but that's five years ago, so too late now.

But, he fell in love with somebody else and couldn't live with this and decided to leave his relationship.

Things with the girl he fell in love with never materialized, but he decided he couldn't stay in his relationship any longer, although she was a couple of months pregnant. He says though there were certainly other factors to him leaving as well.

Of course his now ex took this situation understandably extremely bad and didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore outside having this child together.

They do speak on friendly terms, he even has a key to her house but they don't 'talk'.

They never have since it happened five years ago. Although I sympathize a great deal with what she had to go through I do find it immensely unhealthy and quite frankly very selfish because there is a child involved. You can't keep being passive aggressive to one another over something that each year is further in the past. She had a new boyfriend a year later and they are still together, however quite a rocky relationship from what we know.

My boyfriend never got over the fact of what he did to her and to his child and lives with this extreme level of guilt.

And apparently a lot of nostalgia to what they once had.

So I finally got him to open up to me about it and told him he urgently needed to instigate some form of more personal contact with her and ask her if she would be willing to finally talk about the past.

He told me that he feels half the man he used to be and I told him that if he didn't take action to once and for all defeat his demons he would never be happy.

He wouldn't say to me if he still loves her, in a way I think he really does, but I don't think he is still 'in love' with her. I think that in his wildest fantasies he would turn back time and still be with her.

Although I myself am too much of a realist to ever believe that would change anything and it wouldn't happen again.

Anyway.. he is living with me but went back to his now empty apartment to think this over and to contact his ex to see if she is willing to talk.

I know that in whatever scenario he ends up in, I can't be included.

I can't be someone's second best. No one should be.

I did say and I mean it, that for this (little) time being I would be here and I wouldn't disappear on him, if he needs someone to talk to.

I don't know if I'm asking for advise here, because quite frankly, especially when written down it is obvious he would need a lobotomy to be available to me.

And even if he could finally come to peace with the fact their past is exactly what it is, their past, who says he will be ready or willing to be with me.

I always felt something didn't quite add up in his behavior but I didn't think I was a rebound for a relationship that ended 5 years ago, especially since he had had a relationship of two years with another woman in the meantime and especially because they really àre on friendly terms with each other.

Maybe it's because I could never ever have a child with somebody, see this person 2 to 3 times a week, and pretend everything is working out ok without having had the slightest mature conversation about what happened, positively or negatively, that doesn't even matter, just, you know *something* to work with.

He does however claim I am not a rebound relationship and he would love to make it work with us but that's were I came in and said he would never be 100% there with anybody else if he doesn't work on closure on what happened or explores how exàctly he feels about his ex.

I suppose I hope their conversation goes well… and I think I will stick around just to hear how it went, but that is about all I can do..

I'd try as much as possible to keep the focus off of THEM and how THEIR relationship plays out.... and keep it on you and what you want from a boyfriend.

Looking over another thread, it doesn't sound like you were happy with how things were between you. That he either wasn't in love enough -- or wasn't able to show it in a way that worked for you.

As for his relationship with his ex, I didn't really get any huge red flags in what you described between them. I have a child with my ex-H and we've been broken up for years and are extremely friendly -- but no, we don't really talk about the years we were together or what happened or try for "closure" or anything. What's the point? It was over years ago.

Anyhow, just my thoughts. Also, I wouldn't worry about "being there" for him. He's a grownup. He's moving out of his girlfriend's place -- if he's willing to do that, he doesn't need you as a shoulder to cry on imo.

thank you for responding Sharky, I appreciate the feedback.

I know the focus needs to be on what I want out of a relationship, or him, or any other for that matter.

He hasn't moved out though, he is going to spend a couple of days in his own place to clear his head and put one and one together and he will contact his ex in the meantime and hopefully have a meaningful conversation.

About what you said about not seeing any red flags, I get that, but in this case there are a lot imo.

He told me he *never* had a conversation about what happened, never since the day she 'threw' him out, so since the day he confessed he was in love with another girl, he wasn't there when she delivered the child etc..(don't really know the specifics, only minimum facts..) and he is struggling a great deal with that. And that is because she didn't want anything more to do with him while he didn't materialize his crush and while he says there were a lot of other factors leading to the breakup, this one of course has been the main subject for gossip and stuff. She has badmouthed about him aswell, he gave her the house he built himself without asking as much as a penny, all the while without once talking about what really happened, I mean, he was and apparently is torn up with guilt. Talking about his feelings also doesn't come natural to him, in fact, that is almost an understatement, and I can imagine she didn't have the patience to hear him out at that time.

I'm not saying she is not over it, I'm not sure about that, I do see a lot of passive aggressiveness in how they deal with their daughter.

Sure, it's all friendly and polite, but the dynamic is totally off. He won't say anything about her controlling behavior out of guilt, and most of the time she can do anything anytime because she knows he's in emotional 'debt' with her.

That I find selfish when dealing with a kid. And believe me, I've been around the little girl a lot these past 10 months, she's walking all over my boyfriend even at the age of 5. It's extremely exhausting to watch or be in the middle of.

I'm in with the idea, 'what's the point of it', totally, and when I would have their situation I would have gotten past this, if only it was for my kid, but he sure hasn't.

I can see two possible scenario's coming from his reaching out to her: either she admits feelings of resentment and they talk it out and maybe find each other again on some levels or even more, or she keeps her distance like she has from day one. I understand why she would have this kind of reaction, but he is the father of her child, if I were a mother I would seriously consider his tremendous feelings of guilt and how this is affecting my daughter through his upbringing by him, especially if simply being open to a conversation could mean so much to this dynamic.

When my bf and I talked yesterday he did agree that if she doesn't want to talk about it, or doesn't want to hear him out or doesn't open up a tiny door for him, he needs to let go once and for all.

I'm quite sad about all this, but for myself, I know, this isn't my fight to be won.

I do appreciate feedback none the less because my house feels very empty at the moment and as much as I'd like to go out or meet a friend, right now I just want to be alone for a few days too..

can somebody offer me some tough love, he told me on the phone yesterday they are going to meet today (wednesday evening) and we are on a 'time out'.

I texted him where he could put his 'time out' and all he could reply was 'tsss'

Does he actually think a woman can put up with being put on a 'time out'?

How much empathy is he allowed to ask from somebody.

I'm left with a head full of disneylike fantasies of how the two of them are going to 'find each other again', not that I truly see that happening, but still..

I don't want to create drama at the moment, I know this convo of theirs is a really important matter in both of their lives also considering their child, but I'm boiling right now.

It's really hard right now keeping my cool.