I'm so confused (Teenage relationship problem)

Hi all, I'm here for the first time, and because I can't share my true problem(?) even with my closest friends, I thought that I'll try it here. I have my diaries next to me so I can be accurate of dates and feelings.

I'm 16 in two months, but this actually started almost four years ago when I was only 12. The guy involving this is two years older than me.

So, back in 2010, 11th of Jan actually, I met this guy online, you all know how it goes. But this was different from usual online friends, because firstly, he lives in same town as I do (only 20 000 people here), and secondly, he is brother of my closest friend. So, how I actually met him online? Well, me and my friend used to talk online with msn, like everyone did back then. So, one time, her brother decided to steal her msn account and so he started randomly talking to me. I instantly knew it was him, he told it to me right away. So, we got to know each other, actually, we talked five hours straight that night.

I have always been awkward with new people, especially online, but everything I said to him - no matter how embarrassing it was time to time - he didn't think it was embarrassing at all! in fact, I think sometimes he was even more awkward that I was. I didn't have any feelings more than friendship for him back then though, I was completely fallen for his friend, who is also my neighbor.

He and his friend (that I had a crush on) used to sneak in to my friend's house (her brother usually stayed somewhere else than home) all the time, and it's a one bedroom house so it should be easy to hear them.. But one night, when me and my friend were having this "girltalk" about boys.. Well, let's just say that my crush heard that I liked him, from my own mouth. I was so embarrassed later when I heard from my friend's brother on msn that they had heard everything. He started to tease me about it every time we talked, but somehow I was just okay with that.

One night, my closest friend told me, just to my face "I think you like my brother.". I was confused, because I honestly had never thought about it like that. But then I did.

There was actually another way for me and this guy to communicate: it was his sister, my best friend. He used to call her quite often and just ask that if she's hanging out with me and stuff like that. And one time, he "accidentally" called me honey, or darling or something like that. Other day he actually confessed to his sister that he liked me, and one day when they were talking on the phone, he said about me: "Even if she was just a single wrinkle in this whole wide world, I'd still love her!". Love me? That's big words from young guy but it still made me smile a bit.

So there I was, having a serious crush with a guy I had actually never met (he spent SO much time somewhere else that I never got the chance). And then - he had his "first time". With some random girl. In the age of 14. Well, of course I can't know for sure what they did, but they did something, that's for sure. And this I heard from my best friend. I felt bad, because I thought that he really liked me, and I liked him back. He had never said that straight to me though.

We didn't talk in over a month, but he did call few times to his sister about me. They were planning a meeting for us, but just jokingly. I didn't feel so bad anymore, just confused and I kinda missed him. Most confusing was that I really wanted to get to know him, I wanted to meet him face to face. I couldn't say anything about it to my friend, though, that would have been embarrassing, right? (For a 12-year-old, sure.)

My friend showed me a picture of him and a few videos just for fun. My thoughts were mostly: "Wow. He's wayyy out of my league." but I said nothing.

Then again, a long period of nothing. Finally, in June, I talked to him a bit, but nothing too great. Then again, nothing for a long time. It was summer vacation and I was going to be in the same junior high school with him, I was quite nervous. Slowly, I started to forget about him, and he started probably forget about me. Then again, I actually saw him when we were in local market with my friend but just quickly, and he seemingly didn't want us to notice him. At the same night, he called his sister again.

I got a lot of new things to think about when school started: new class, new teachers and all that. Nothing about the guy for a long time. And then, in middle of August, he had to move away (471km or 6 hours travel). I thought that I'm never gonna get a chance to meet him and I got quite sad. Then I heard that he's going to be in town for weekends, yay! So one weekend, in late August when he was back in town and drinking with his friends, we did a little trick for him, and he called again to his sister next morning (that trick is a different story, nothing big).

Then I heard nothing about him for a looong time and I had many other things to think about like new friends from my class and all that. I think I almost forgot about him again. But then, in December 2011. He had just randomly asked from his sister that when are they going to hang out with me. He wanted to hang out with me. Like, he really did. I hadn't talked to him in so long time and he still wanted to meet me after all. After few days we almost met but for some reason he didn't want to visit his sister when he heard that I was there.

Next time I heard about him was in October 2012. The reason I hadn't talked to him for so long was that he wasn't allowed to use internet where he lived. In late 2012 I started to miss everything "old" like those times when I still got to contact this guy.

And finally in March 2013 I heard about him again. He was this time serious about meeting me, right away (I was staying at my best friends house). But he didn't get anyone to drive him there. I was so happy to hear about him again and to hear that he was serious about meeting me, finally! I was also having confused feelings about what will actually happen after all this, when we are finally meeting, face to face. And only one week after that, he had a fight with his father, and decided to leave all his family behind and leave, including his sister. The final link between us was broken.

Today, I have no idea where he is. Only thing I know that he still visits his friends who live here. I really do miss him, and I really, really want to meet him. I've tried to move on, but still, all this creates confusing feelings and questions like: Where is he? Is he alright? (He used to be.. Well not the nicest guy like that, he used to get drunk with his friends all weekends. So now that he's 18 and responsible of himself.. I'm a bit worried) Does he still have feelings for me? (As a friend) Does he want to meet me? What will happen if we meet? Has he changed too much?

I know all this sounds like a waste of time, but this has been a very confusing experience for me. I'd like some advice (if you have any) and/or opinions about this situation how all this sounds to you. Thank you so much for reading all this.

I've never tried drucks/alcohol/smoked/kissed/had sex

you sound like a very kind and sincere person, and frankly, he does not. your instincts are worried about what would happen if you meet for good reason. I would stay away.

Thank you, that's so nice And your advice does sound logical, but I can't never know how much he's been changing through these years or has he changed at all. I just want to get to know him better so I'll know to either stay away or get closer. The feeling that it can be anything and that there just isn't a way to know, is probably the worst. Thank you again.

You have fond memories which I think you should just leave as that, some things are best unknown and left alone, I know this from experience, if it's to be it will be. After all you have never moved (I take it) so he could have contacted you! Even more so if you still have the same msn email address. We all wonder what happened to people we lost contact with and how they are doing but the fact is we did lose contact and just maybe there was a reason Try not to dwell on it too much.

plus, from the eyes of this experienced adult, the anger and disruptions that he has displayed in his youth will take a number of years to smooth out. anger stays with us and undermines us and our relationships in the most subtle ways as well as obvious ones. I think he is best to leave alone.

Hmm... True. Thanks, I'll try to get some energy to move on. If something's going to happen, then it will and that's it. I just need something else to focus on.