Feeling Guilty About Wanting Time Alone.

Not sure where to put this because its mostly an issue with myself rather than my relationship.

 

I like having time on my own, I enjoy it, but my partner isn't this way and doesn't feel like he wants time away from me, he said that he has no desire to be on his own. This makes me feel terribly guilty when ever I just want to be away from him. I feel awful about wanting to do things on my own, or just wanting space. It doesn't matter how many times he tells me it is OK and he is fine about it, I just cannot stop feeling guilty. I don't like how we don't both feel this way, I wouldn't feel at all guilty if we both felt like we wanted our own space, but since he doesn't feel that way I feel like I shouldn't want time alone either, and that I am wrong for wanting space.

 

I've been totally driving myself crazy about this and I can see it is really bugging him. (How many times he's had to tell me he is totally fine with it, yet I just wont believe it) I know I am creating a stressful situation for myself, and I feel like an idiot, but I cannot shake this feeling of guilt. I feel like in recent months I've wanted my space more and more (We've been together for about 2 years now), this has really scared me, this is the longest relationship I've been in and I don't know, I'm just scared of the future, I'm scared that I will just want more and more space and end up breaking down the relationship. I feel crazy for feeling this way, I know I'm probably making a huge issue out of something very trivial, but lately this has all been going on in my head

 

I don't know how to snap out of it?

He says he is totally fine with you wanting space? Or am I misunderstanding that?

Yeah he is fine with it which is why I can't understand why I feel so guilty, I can't shake the feeling even though he has no issue with it

To me it sounds as if you are losing interest, try planning some new adventurous dates to spark the relationship back up.

I spoke to him about new adventures and he said he's not keen on that idea

What? Did he say why not?

He is not a very social or adventurous person, so I take it that is why? He didn't say very much about why, just that he isn't keen on it and he doesn't think it would work anyway.

You're losing interest in him. You feel guilty because you still have feelings for him and care about him. So right now you are kind of in the middle of losing interest, and still liking him. If he's rejecting the idea of going on new adventures then it will only further fuel your want to be away from him. It's not wrong to lose interest with someone, it happens. You just need to be honest with yourself.

 

Is there anything in particular that you don't like about him that might be causing you to lose interest? Boredom? Clingyness (on his part)? Or maybe he's not being attentive enough? Anything like that? Is there anything he's doing or not doing that is making you want to get away from him?

 

I left my ex because he was perfectly fine with the way things were. I found the relationship boring after 2 years because we hardly ever saw each other. He was fine with it and always happy, so I felt guilty when I left, because he didn't do anything wrong. I just got bored, because I missed having intimacy and romance (which I feel the relationship lacked severly)....it felt more like a friendship and not a relationship, and he didn't understand this..

 

That's just my story though.

He is not a very social or adventurous person, so I take it that is why? He didn't say very much about why, just that he isn't keen on it and he doesn't think it would work anyway.

 

In my experience, both parties in a relationship have to invest effort to make it work. You both have to want it.

I feel like he lacks enthusiasm in anything and everything. I want to do things, and he would rather just watch from the side lines. He's happy just watching me do exciting things rather than doing them. That is the only thing that bothers me about him, and in all honestly, I do love him.

What is exciting for you may be boring for him. You don't have to have the same interests to have a good relationship but essentially looking down on someone because they don't have the same interests as you is not conducive to a good relationship.

I'm not looking down on him for having different interests. I like some things he is interested in too, and I even tried things I never had before for him, I really want to make it work.

I feel like he lacks enthusiasm in anything and everything.

Well, this statement seems to be looking down on him. But it also doesn't equate with this

I like some things he is interested in too

which shows he is interested in some things but he may not show the same enthusiasm that you do.

 

It's not as if he is trying to stop you doing things, he just doesn't want to do them as well, and that is legitimate. You chose to do the things he is interested in but he isn't required to reciprocate.

I feel really dreadful now I guess I worded that badly? I'm sorry for feeling he isn't interested in a lot of things I am and I'm sorry if I was looking down on him at all I was only trying to answer someone else's question now I feel terrible.

Maybe you grew up with too much responsibility and for some reason feel like you must think of his needs before your own needs. You have the right to take care of your own needs. In fact, it will make you a happier person, and that would benefit him when you do get together.

DN - I been thinking about what you said, at first I cried, but then I managed to pull myself together. I spoke to my boyfriend, I told him I was sorry if I ever made him do something he didn't want to, I told him I felt terrible for expecting him to return the favour of doing things I want (I felt awful and I really wanted to say sorry in case I've ever hurt him with this). He said that he doesn't mind doing things I want to sometimes. Which is pretty fair. I'm actually feeling a bit better since saying that to him. I also opened up about how I felt about other things too.

 

It's going to be a slow process, but I think I need to learn to appreciate him more. He's very patient with me. So I think we have a good chance of making it through this. Thanks everyone.

I hope things work out well for you both. I suspect it will.