xstar Posted April 22, 2012 Share Posted April 22, 2012 I feel like 99% of dumpees, myself included, are always shocked by how mean and cold the dumper becomes. Rationally thinking about it, someone that you spent a significant of time with can't forget you or just turn mean to someone they where with for such a long time overnight... people just don't work that way unless they are sociopaths (and I doubt that 99% of dumpers are sociopaths). I'm fairly certain, that unless you were the worst partner ever, it's a defense mechanism. Much like when teenagers start to 'hate' their parents - they don't really hate them, but its a way of emotionally detaching from the situation and the person. So ex's aren't mean, cruel or cold.. they are just lying to themselves to detach from the situation. Come to think of it, I actually think that it's the ex's with the minimal reaction that act like nothing happened are the ones who are not effected by the break up. But I guess knowing that my ex doesn't actually hate me doesn't make me feel any better Link to comment
Natasha24 Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 I completely agree with what you're saying. My ex cheated on me a month before our wedding and dumped me over the PHONE. He turned into a complete jerk. At first I thought "Did I do something wrong that I'm ignoring?" but after talking to him and hearing his excuses for cheating, I didn't. They just turn into assholes so they don't have to deal with the horrible things they had done. My ex literally said to me "Why are so mad? I didn't do anything wrong." My head just about exploded from that logic. I said to him "Don't you realize you ruined my life and did an absolutely unforgivable, horrible thing to me?" And he just shrugged. It is a defence mechanism. It's easier for them to be jerks to you than for them to realize "I'm a bad person and I did a horrible thing to someone who cares about me" Link to comment
raindropcity Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Most definitely it is a defense mechanism and I don't know anything about you and how long you've been in the dating scene but one of these days you will find yourself ending up as the dumper where somehow things come to a head and you just bid farewell and end it... abruptly. Usually such behavior is the result of complete exhaustion at having to maintain the charade that you still have feelings for that person (or see great potential) and that everything is alright. For the normal decent human being, the last thing in the world you want to do is hurt the person who is so head over heals in love with you and, because of that, you end up experiencing a lot of guilt on your end because you can't reciprocate that same level of intensity back to them.... yet, you keep hoping that will change and they in turn keep loving you regardless that they have been sensing that about you since day one. Link to comment
xstar Posted April 23, 2012 Author Share Posted April 23, 2012 Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that. Your ex sounds like a real jerk. I hope that you move and never speak to him again. Seriously. Link to comment
xstar Posted April 23, 2012 Author Share Posted April 23, 2012 So I've been on the other side as well and I did do that when I was younger, and I feel horrible now. I felt so bad for not being interested with this guy and not keeping in touch with him that I avoided him at ALL costs. And when I had to talk to him I was cold and impatient. And honestly, there was nothing wrong with the guy and he didn't deserve that treatment. I was just really immature and didn't know how to handle the situation properly. And after that, I felt really bad so I avoided him at all costs. The whole situation had totally nothing to do with the guy although I'm sure it didn't seem that way to him. Link to comment
raindropcity Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 But the dumpers who are not normal decent human beings who want to end a relationship, what they will do is target in on something that they know you will react to on an emotional level as opposed to your usual rational composed self. In short, they know where to push your buttons and that's what they do so that they in turn can claim that they have a reason to break up with you. It's very passive aggressive but that's the usual approach for those ones. Sociopaths, on the other hand are an entirely different animal. Link to comment
alexia29 Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 In short, they know where to push your buttons and that's what they do so that they in turn can claim that they have a reason to break up with you. It's very passive aggressive but that's the usual approach for those ones. Completely agree. It's about finding something with which they can rationalize their decision for a breakup so that they don't feel bad. Link to comment
raindropcity Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Same here xstar.... It's amazing isn't it? How so many of our stories are the same? Immaturity, that's what it all boils down to and I'm to find that for many, this does not change with age. So I've been on the other side as well and I did do that when I was younger, and I feel horrible now. I felt so bad for not being interested with this guy and not keeping in touch with him that I avoided him at ALL costs. And when I had to talk to him I was cold and impatient. And honestly, there was nothing wrong with the guy and he didn't deserve that treatment. I was just really immature and didn't know how to handle the situation properly. And after that, I felt really bad so I avoided him at all costs. The whole situation had totally nothing to do with the guy although I'm sure it didn't seem that way to him. Link to comment
xstar Posted April 23, 2012 Author Share Posted April 23, 2012 But the dumpers who are not normal decent human beings who want to end a relationship, what they will do is target in on something that they know you will react to on an emotional level as opposed to your usual rational composed self. In short, they know where to push your buttons and that's what they do so that they in turn can claim that they have a reason to break up with you. It's very passive aggressive but that's the usual approach for those ones. Sociopaths, on the other hand are an entirely different animal. I doubt that most dumpers fall into this category.. and I think that's a very depressing belief to hold on to. Link to comment
raindropcity Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 I know -- you're right. This is why us nice ones screw up so much because we fail to look outside of ourselves to realize that there are others out there who are not like we are. And that is the long and short of it. Link to comment
raindropcity Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Completely agree. It's about finding something with which they can rationalize their decision for a breakup so that they don't feel bad. Yup! That's it! Link to comment
raindropcity Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Natasha... my heart goes out to you and will say a prayer that you start feeling better. Link to comment
NANNYSTUDENT Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 My ex has accused me of things that never happened citing it as a reason for maintaining our split. Sad because I've done nothing and truly believe it is an attempt to ease his guilt for things he has done like now dating a high schooler as a 24 year old adult. I believe it makes them sleep better at night and that is so incredibly sad. I really hope someday he understands the hurt he has caused another human being. Link to comment
xstar Posted April 23, 2012 Author Share Posted April 23, 2012 My ex has accused me of things that never happened citing it as a reason for maintaining our split. Sad because I've done nothing and truly believe it is an attempt to ease his guilt for things he has done like now dating a high schooler as a 24 year old adult. I believe it makes them sleep better at night and that is so incredibly sad. I really hope someday he understands the hurt he has caused another human being. I'm sure it will. Eventually your emotions catch up to you. Link to comment
xstar Posted April 23, 2012 Author Share Posted April 23, 2012 I know -- you're right. This is why us nice ones screw up so much because we fail to look outside of ourselves to realize that there are others out there who are not like we are. And that is the long and short of it. Again, it's not an us against them mentality. I think this is how people stay in their break up. People are complex.. the nicest person has the ability to be mean and cruel and the cruelest person can be a small child on the inside afraid to let their niceness come out. Link to comment
raindropcity Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 He should have sent you an apology letter/email but because he did not, then he's not worth mourning over. Even the immature who goof up by staying on too long in a relationship when the feelings are gone.... or those ones who find someone else they would like to spend time with.... a decent human being be they male or female still would express some kind of apology knowing very well that they are hurting the person they are breaking off with; and that's the bottom line. Decent human beings vs dirtballs. My ex has accused me of things that never happened citing it as a reason for maintaining our split. Sad because I've done nothing and truly believe it is an attempt to ease his guilt for things he has done like now dating a high schooler as a 24 year old adult. I believe it makes them sleep better at night and that is so incredibly sad. I really hope someday he understands the hurt he has caused another human being. Link to comment
raindropcity Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Again? Um... no comment at this point. lol Again, it's not an us against them mentality. I think this is how people stay in their break up. People are complex.. the nicest person has the ability to be mean and cruel and the cruelest person can be a small child on the inside afraid to let their niceness come out. Link to comment
raindropcity Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 xstar... normal decent human beings usually at least end up expressing the message, in one way or another, that the relationship is over in an unambiguous manner. They do this before they disappear off the face of the earth even... lol This is what I was trying to convey. Link to comment
meoww Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 sometimes it's an indication of their real personality. I know a lot of people who are generally defensive and not good with conflict tend to become cold during BUs. So, in some cases, it's not even out of character, it's just that hostility is directed towards you for the first time. I had an ex who was really immature when it came to arguments and I'm glad he dumped me because I wouldn't have wanted to deal with anger problems/immature way of dealing with anger for the rest of my life. Link to comment
Love1336 Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 I remember my ex told me... If he ever got "too" emotional about us. He wouldn't be able to function. I remember the night I found out about his cheat. He cried so much, but the next day. He was steel, and was firm in what he believe wasn't cheating! (AS IF) He didn't want my guilt or burden. Link to comment
raindropcity Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 That's profound meoww. That's very true. And in fact, I venture to say that most people are that way and this is very problematic for those of us who aren't. The longer one lives on this planet, the more they know that. And that's the truth! Link to comment
rigguy Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 To add to what was said above, I think some of it is a matter of perception. Early on after break up when your confidence and self worth is at all time low, you tend to take things personal as well as you don't expect that sort of behavior from a former partner. Not to say jerk behavior is excusable but normally if someone is being mean to you, you punch him in the nose (don't advise for legal reason) or just brush it off and make fun of it. Think it has a lot to do with them but a small part of it is about people being really hurt at the time... Link to comment
theface71 Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Completely agree. It's about finding something with which they can rationalize their decision for a breakup so that they don't feel bad. I agree with this theory too. It makes the break-up look more like a smart idea in their mind because they remember your reaction to a situation they created and decide well I can't be with this person if they are going to act this way. Case in point when my ex disappeared to Montreal for a week but never told me...naturally I felt upset that she would just leave town without telling me since we used to always mention if we weren't going to be around...and she thought I was being too emotional when I found out and asked her why she left without telling me. From there things just got worse as she avoided me for a couple of more days until she broke-up with me by email...days before telling me everything was fine. Link to comment
FreeFallFeelin Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 They do it create as much distance as possible, right away. I think a lot of dumpers feel bad about having to make the decision to hurt someone they love, but by the time they're ready to pull the trigger they're used to the idea. It's already justified in their mind. When they finally drop the hammer (and the dumpee goes into freak-out melt-down mode) it's so uncomfortable for the dumper to witness that all they want is to get the deed done and out of the blast zone as quickly as they can. The dumped wants to sit and talk it out, hold hands and kiss tears away. But the dumper effectively slaps the dumpee's hand away by answering their emotional pleas with coldness and harshness. They're already done with the relationship, and they want to show you they mean it. That's my theory anyway.... Link to comment
xstar Posted April 23, 2012 Author Share Posted April 23, 2012 They do it create as much distance as possible, right away. I think a lot of dumpers feel bad about having to make the decision to hurt someone they love, but by the time they're ready to pull the trigger they're used to the idea. It's already justified in their mind. When they finally drop the hammer (and the dumpee goes into freak-out melt-down mode) it's so uncomfortable for the dumper to witness that all they want is to get the deed done and out of the blast zone as quickly as they can. The dumped wants to sit and talk it out, hold hands and kiss tears away. But the dumper effectively slaps the dumpee's hand away by answering their emotional pleas with coldness and harshness. They're already done with the relationship, and they want to show you they mean it. That's my theory anyway.... I agree with this theory as well. I also think that people are confusing normal dumpers who just didn't want to be in a relationship and people who are jerks. Some men and women are jerks. They lie, cheat, emotionally/physically abuse, play games, manipulate, always acting mean and say horrible things during break ups. I'm not referring to these dumpers here. I'm referring to the normal girl/guy who's genuinely a good person and for whatever reason (valid or not in the dumpees eyes) decides to leave the relationship and turns mean and cold and a "new side" comes out. Link to comment
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