Advice on how to not be so controlling??

PLM15 · 01-27-2008, 10:56 AM

I'd like to know if anyone has some suggestions on how to "let go" of the need to always be in control and always be "right".

My boyfriend is much more relaxed, and he feels my "strong will" is overshadowing his needs....he's right, and I want to learn how to soften my style to better balance with his.

Crazyaboutdogs · 01-27-2008, 11:07 AM

Be very aware of your behaviour as you are doing it. When you find yourself trying to get in the last word, stop yourself, when you find yourself trying to dictate to him, stop yourself. You have to be fully aware of yourself at all times and then make a conscious effort to stop the behaviour.

DN · 01-27-2008, 11:07 AM

Welcome to ENA.

Before you open your mouth when you feel the need to argue or contradict - stop and ask yourself if this is something that you:

must say
should say
could easily let go
should let go
must let go

JadedStar · 01-27-2008, 11:21 AM

I agree with CAD and DN. Don't just blurt things out. Think about what you are going to say and how you plan to say it. Allow him to be right more. Stop challenging eveything he says.

I have a tendency to do this myself. I am a little overbearing at times and I have slight OCD which doesn't help. I tend to play devil's advocate a lot too which can be misconstrued as wanting to argue when really i am not at all. It is often mySELF i am second guessing and challenging the most but I say these things outloud and it looks like I am challenging what someone else has suggested.

You just have to be aware of what you do and say. If your b/f is by nature much less assertive it's difficult because it's hard to change our personalities. You see some couples where it is obvious one is more assertive and a tad more overbearing than the other. As long as you make sure that what you do and say is respectful to him it shouldn't matter if it is a bit mroe aggressive than his own nature. No one expects the other to be a carbon copy of ourselves. Or at least they shouldn't.

Don't play the role of demure quiet female if that is not who you are. Just be yourself but before you do or say something tihnk first "is what i am about to say or do treating him with respect"? If the answer is no don't say it. And...Treating a person with respect doesn't mean you never challenge them or agree with them all the time.

**Hope75** · 01-27-2008, 11:48 AM

Everyone has some good advice. Think before you speak. Give yourself a second before you open your mouth. Ask yourself how important it is- than think, 'how would I respond to someone who said this to me?'

Remember he is your equal- not a possession or subservient.

No one wants to date their mother.

Good luck!

minigirl · 01-27-2008, 11:50 AM

Is it programmed into females to be 'in control'?
Actually...I read somewhere on the internet that when everything is out of your control in life and something about being a relationship is the only your can ' control'.
Thats where the too 'in-control' thing happens to fall in.
One will then try to control/ make things the way they want becasue they feel this is the only aspect in one hands that they can manuever.

JadedStar · 01-27-2008, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by minigirl

Is it programmed into females to be 'in control'?
Actually...I read somewhere on the internet that when everything is out of your control in life and something about being a relationship is the only your can ' control'.
Thats where the too 'in-control' thing happens to fall in.
One will then try to control/ make things the way they want becasue they feel this is the only aspect in one hands that they can manuever.

I don't think it is programmed in females to be in control. It is a personality type that a man or woman can possess.

As for the other stuff you said, all true. But the thing is not many people want to date a person who is feeling such loss of control that they have to "control" their relationship in this manner. I'd run like he11 from a person like that.

PLM15 · 01-27-2008, 12:37 PM

Thanks everyone for your replies....all had some great advice that I can use. I would also be interested in hearing ways to relax, be more easygoing....less "Type A".

Crazyaboutdogs · 01-27-2008, 12:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PLM15

Thanks everyone for your replies....all had some great advice that I can use. I would also be interested in hearing ways to relax, be more easygoing....less "Type A".

Get a dog!!! You will laugh more, be more relaxed and won't be as anal about everything (except your dog's anal issues..both personality and pooping habits LOL). Also, somebody once told me that if you are stressing about something, stop and ask yourself the following question "will this really matter a year from now". Most things a person stresses about are actually quite trivial in the grand scheme of things.

JadedStar · 01-27-2008, 12:51 PM

You are talking to the Queen of the Type A personality here...
What has helped me is forcing myself to slow down, smell the roses as it were. You have to make a conscious effort to try to slow down and appreciate the little things.

I have heard yoga is great for people like us altho i have never tried it.

01-27-2008, 10:56 AM	#1
PLM15 Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 8	Advice on how to not be so controlling?? I'd like to know if anyone has some suggestions on how to "let go" of the need to always be in control and always be "right". My boyfriend is much more relaxed, and he feels my "strong will" is overshadowing his needs....he's right, and I want to learn how to soften my style to better balance with his.

01-27-2008, 11:07 AM	#3
DN Online Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,445	Welcome to ENA. Before you open your mouth when you feel the need to argue or contradict - stop and ask yourself if this is something that you: must say should say could easily let go should let go must let go __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

01-27-2008, 11:48 AM	#5
Hope75 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: kitteh ville Gender: Female Age: 33 Posts: 12,512	Everyone has some good advice. Think before you speak. Give yourself a second before you open your mouth. Ask yourself how important it is- than think, 'how would I respond to someone who said this to me?' Remember he is your equal- not a possession or subservient. No one wants to date their mother. Good luck! __________________ Muffin cats need love too. Please refer to the forum rules before posting: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php Mama to a beautiful baby girl born 6-25-09. :)

01-27-2008, 11:07 AM	#2
Crazyaboutdogs Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 15,631	Be very aware of your behaviour as you are doing it. When you find yourself trying to get in the last word, stop yourself, when you find yourself trying to dictate to him, stop yourself. You have to be fully aware of yourself at all times and then make a conscious effort to stop the behaviour.

01-27-2008, 11:21 AM	#4
JadedStar Offline Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: On a star far, far away... Posts: 16,347	I agree with CAD and DN. Don't just blurt things out. Think about what you are going to say and how you plan to say it. Allow him to be right more. Stop challenging eveything he says. I have a tendency to do this myself. I am a little overbearing at times and I have slight OCD which doesn't help. I tend to play devil's advocate a lot too which can be misconstrued as wanting to argue when really i am not at all. It is often mySELF i am second guessing and challenging the most but I say these things outloud and it looks like I am challenging what someone else has suggested. You just have to be aware of what you do and say. If your b/f is by nature much less assertive it's difficult because it's hard to change our personalities. You see some couples where it is obvious one is more assertive and a tad more overbearing than the other. As long as you make sure that what you do and say is respectful to him it shouldn't matter if it is a bit mroe aggressive than his own nature. No one expects the other to be a carbon copy of ourselves. Or at least they shouldn't. Don't play the role of demure quiet female if that is not who you are. Just be yourself but before you do or say something tihnk first "is what i am about to say or do treating him with respect"? If the answer is no don't say it. And...Treating a person with respect doesn't mean you never challenge them or agree with them all the time.

01-27-2008, 11:50 AM	#6
minigirl Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Somewhere far far away.... Posts: 43	Is it programmed into females to be 'in control'? Actually...I read somewhere on the internet that when everything is out of your control in life and something about being a relationship is the only your can ' control'. Thats where the too 'in-control' thing happens to fall in. One will then try to control/ make things the way they want becasue they feel this is the only aspect in one hands that they can manuever.

01-27-2008, 12:37 PM	#8
PLM15 Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 8	Thanks everyone for your replies....all had some great advice that I can use. I would also be interested in hearing ways to relax, be more easygoing....less "Type A".

01-27-2008, 12:51 PM	#10
JadedStar Offline Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: On a star far, far away... Posts: 16,347	You are talking to the Queen of the Type A personality here... What has helped me is forcing myself to slow down, smell the roses as it were. You have to make a conscious effort to try to slow down and appreciate the little things. I have heard yoga is great for people like us altho i have never tried it.