Afterwards...

[Aurian]

Just looking for some thoughts. I am in my first relationship after an abusive marriage. This isn't a rebound relationship; I had lots of counselling and time on my own to heal before I looked for someone who treated me right to share my life with.

 

I found someone good. Someone I love, who loves me back. Who treats me well.

 

I think I am feeling some ghosts from my past though. I have told him the whole story with my past relationship, but not how it is affecting me now. I do feel insecure really easily. I also burst into tears the other day when he said something that was uncomfortably like something my ex would say (we had been playing sports and I was a wee bit stinky afterwards. He made a bad joke about it and I burst into tears - my ex used to hound me on my "shortcomings" including messing with my head and telling me I stank or ate loudly, etc). Anyways, I passed it off as a PMS thing.

 

I wonder if I should have told the truth? And that I need/want more verbal affection? Or does that sound too needy? The last thing I want to do is make this guy make up for what the ex did. I also don't want him tip-toing around me or something.

 

What do you think? Tell the truth that I am not as "recovered" as I seem to be or suck it up and put on a brave face?

[annie24]

I think you might still be a little "gun shy." I don't blame you after everything you went through with your ex. how long have you been with your current guy? I think it's good that you realize that you are probably still dealing with some of the aftermaths of your ex, but I don't think that means you shouldn't be dating again. Maybe this guy will be good for you, help you feel confident again. If he was just teasing you, joking, don't take it personally, like your ex would do to hurt you.

[Meow18]

I remember your past marriage. That was a horrible thing that your ex did to you.

 

I think you need to be honest about your past relationship. Tell him that it still affects you because honestly, how could it not? It will take time for you to trust anyone and he should know that he needs to be patient.

 

But you also must realize that he is not out to hurt you. You know what a bad guy is like. You know the difference between joking and being a jerk. You've been through that.

 

It's normal to joke around with your boyfriend/girlfriend. It's a form of flirtation, but at this point it's hard for you because you were verbally abused.

 

Just keep reminding yourself that you have a good guy here. He is not your ex. He cares about you and wants to know what is hurting you.

[Aurian]

Thanks guys. Sounds good. I know, it is someone else, and I am not seeing any red (or yellow!) flags with this person. I`ve been with my current guy for three months now, pretty much the whole time exclusive.

 

I usually like joking and I give as good as I get, just that one joke felt a bit too "familiar" and triggered some waterworks.

 

I guess if something like that happens again, I will be honest about it and just tell him that I know he`s just teasing me, but I do have a few scars from my last relationship and he poked one.

[annie24]

yeah, I think that would be fair. just emphasize that you are over your ex and that you're not mad at your new guy, just some things are sore points. I think as long as you are direct and non-accusatory, it shouldn't be a problem

[Hope75]

It's important too for you Aurian to recognize that this is not your ex, and that this is a new relationship, with new rules and new feelings. It would not be fair to expect your new guy to pay the price for mistakes that your ex husband made.

 

Are you still in counseling to learn to have a healthy relationship and trust in the ability to do so?

[Aurian]

No my counselor thought that I had done I could with him and "graduated" me in December (I had been with him for a few months before the divorce trying to "fix" the emotional/mental problems my ex inisted I had and saw him steadily once I left in July).

 

My relationship started in late January. I really felt healed and ready with six months on my own to focus on healing, but I guess this being the first relationship since there are a lot of familiar couple-things that trigger memories. This is only my second serious relationship so I don't have much experience! Just my ex and this guy. And I guess I do have a few scars that didn't get touched when I was on my own.

 

I know this is someone new and not everyone is going to have a bad side. I do love and trust him very much and I intend to give him my trust until he shows me otherwise.

 

He's seen my "wounded" side only twice in the three months and we've been pretty glued together during that time! The first time I mentioned above. He stepped on another one a few days later (I'm also having pretty bad PMS going that week!), and this time I was honest about my feelings and that it was a bad memory causing the trouble, not him. He was great about it, reassured me and just gave me a big hug.

 

I will try harder to keep the old feelings away from this new relationship though, because I do agree that the new bf shouldn't have to make up for the sins of the old.