Trying to sort out emotions and find my path

[Jlizzy]

Bf cheated on me during business trip some weeks back. I spent approx 2 weeks full of anger and hatred towards him and hurled much abuse at him including a very harsh email with the other girl on cc due to some information that came to light from them both which angered me all the more.

 

Friday we were talking on messenger and he was pleading to meet with me and tell me sorry to my face. At first my response many a time had been and still was why would I meet him and allow him to cause me more grief. He continued to plead that he feels so bad within himself and wanted to tell me sorry to my face and help me through the pain. I finally thought to hell with it we're spending hours on messenger so might as well get it over and done with and get it all out.

 

We met in a carpark, sat in my car and had a long long long talk. There were many tears..intially all from him. There was some laughter and stories. There were long hugs.

His attitude at the moment is essentially that of the first two months we had together -everything I ever wanted -the communication, friendship and sense of interest and concern for each other. The meeting went on for about 6/7 hours til 5am! We were standing outside of the cars hugging and I broke down crying because I could not say goodbye to him. There's been some messages back and forth since. Him expressing how he wanted to kiss me, hold me but didn't dare and has been crying when we message each other since, as before our meeting. There's a story from a mutual friend that he won't tell me but says go back to my ex if that's the right thing but I'm better off without him with the implication that this knowledge he has of my ex further makes him believe this. On the other hand whilst he stupidly stupidly kissed another girl and spent the night cuddled with her I feel he is being sincere and is honestly hurting for his actions. The relationship was incredibly rocky and he has recognised his lack of care and thought to me when we were together. One thing for my own part I feel marred the entire relationship after the first 2 months was his sense of betrayal at me sharing a bed with a male friend when I went to visit this friend and that I was't straight out with him at the time about the situation/askward sleeping arrangement. Ie I waited til I was with my bf to tell him rather than at the time. Despite what has happened I am pining for him now.

 

In the meantime there are 2 guys at work trying to make their moves on me, coming over to my desk, asking me out etc. One is a good friend. A lovely, lovely wonderfull caring thoughtfull guy (also with some of his own messed up past I may add). I have been honest with him about the situation with my ex and made it clear I don't screw around on people so I need to take time but enjoy his company and friendship. I know that after a long day together yesterday, the truth is hurting him a bit.

 

As for myself I am finding this really really difficult and have broken down in tears many a time. I'm not sleeping properly and my dreams are full of intense emotions and anguish.

 

I sent my ex a message a while ago saying that whilst confused I now would like to see him again and I don't want him to purely take my lead ..a friendship/relationship is 2 ways so hereby the ball back in his court as well as mine. Haven't heard from him since (approx 4 hours)

 

Looking for some advice on how to handle this, how to get past the anguish, what best course of action to take now and so on.

[Master Sasori]

Bottomline: YOU DONT WANT TO BE WITH A LIAR!

 

Id like to go against the decision you made going back to him, your just giving him the green signal to go ahead and cheat on you, hey she's gonna take me back anyway.

 

Honestly , once the trust is gone its all different. What garentees do you have that it won't happen again?

 

Id ditch him, and try one of the other guys, he has had his chance and blew it.

[quick_to_think_the_worst]

Spot on, Master Sasori!

[b2761]

unfortunately, the only thing that's going to get you past the anguish is time.

[Jlizzy]

I really appreciate the advice and stuff...well i am trying my best to take time for myself..not sure if I'm doing a good job of it. Saw the ex friday and we're supposed to go for dinner thurs (intiially we had agreed tonight but he had to cancel for work).

 

After that it would be a week at the earliest I could see him again...So I'd have a minimum to myself to think and away from the men in general as I will be on holidays.

 

I know they say once a cheater always a cheater..obviously this is going through my head very very strong and the question of were I going to go back could I ever trust him? PLUS i am moving to another country in a few months! I just find this SOOOO hard...I still love him

 

I'm thinking on the other hand he was capable of being as he is now for 2 months until he felt a bit betrayed by me...Maybe this is a shortterm act whilst he feels guilty but I wonder is there a chance that a major shake up of the relationship could possibly be a catylyst for better things?

 

Perhaps it would lead to knowing never to make the same mistake again?