How to be sociable and 'friendly', outgoing in general?

[Lily04]

I've come to the conclusion that i'm a fairly introvertive and serious person, I'm not the party girl 'cheerleader' type at all.....i think i'm fairly approachable, but maybe give off a vibe that says i'm busy, or serious. I want to be more extrovertive, open, friendly, big smiles, type of thing. I want to be more outgoing and confident.

 

The good thing is that I'm relatively attractive so I look the type that people would *assume* is extrovertive and outgoing, friendly. But I'm not. Most people I actually dislike, and bore me.

 

So how do I turn this around.......I know I don't have enough social energy except when discussing simulating topics that I'm really passionate about like politics, social justice or literature/philosophy maybe.....I've improved TONS since high school and am now confident speaking in front of crowds, but mingling is still boring for me and feels too forced. I want it to be natural and enjoyable, and for my personality to really radiate and attract people.....

 

any suggestions? lol......

[friscodj]

Hi Lily-

 

I understand what you're saying here and I have felt the same way before.

 

Let me ask you this, what is the motivation for this change? What leads you to believe you need to change, to "turn this around"?

 

You are naturally an introverted person. There is nothing wrong with being introverted! There are plenty of guys who prefer an introverted woman vs. an extroverted woman. "Cheerleader" and "party girl" types turn a lot of guys off! Including me!

 

You are approachable and you already identified simple things you can do to maybe "balance out" your vibe with a bit more extrovertion. Open, friendly, big smiles. You said it!

 

And look, I think genuineness is the most important trait for anyone to have. Why live a life being someone you aren't? If most people don't interest you and bore you, why cater to them by being more talkative and outgoing?

 

You have passions and that is huge. In my experience, most people don't. Focus and find happiness in those and this happiness and confidence will naturally show through your actions. That is much better, more real and genuine, than forcing behaviors that aren't truly "you" at this point in your development.

 

Stick to your guns, no need to force anything here, and let your development happen naturally, as it is already proving to be fruitful with reference to your behavior in high school.

 

You are fine and you'll be fine. Be happy with yourself and your personality. There is nothing wrong with you!

[sonnyboi]

So true - What's wrong with being introverted? What's wrong with being attracted to your own interests?

 

Your greatest gift is the person you truly are.

 

Let your true inner-self shine - exactly the way you are.

[Pocket Rocket]

Ah I know where you're coming from, before my friends got to know me better(or even approach me for the first time) they told me I was really intimidating and looked like a right {Mod Edit} lol in some ways it worked in my favour because it's made me some of the greatest friends anyone could ever have, but you know what they say about fences - they don't only keep other people out, they hold you in too.

 

Some people's response is to tell you to smile more, yes I did meet more people but as far as becoming more enlightened and a better person, no difference there. But really a smile can do wonders, it really makes people feel a bit more comfortable about you, you never know, just flashing a friendly smile at someone who might by chance be feeling a bit down might even make their day, no need to approach them or anything but they'll feel a good vibe.

 

I remember this story one of our teachers at school had told us yeaaaars ago - him and a group of others were told to hand out leaflets on the same street every day for a couple of weeks and instructed to smile at people (nothing forced, just a friendly smile). The first day, people on their way to work were pretty cold and looked at them like they were a bit weird, by and by they got used to them and smiled back, and by the last day some of the regular passers-by were already on a first name basis with them, soon as they saw them handing leaflets it would be like "Hey John, great to see you how's it going?" pat on the back etc so it seems to work I guess

 

Maybe you're trying to mingle with the wrong crowd? I mean what are your interests? Maybe a group with similar interests could offer more stimulating conversation? I used to hang out with a completely different group of friends in high school, but I found that after a couple of years in uni, coming back I didn't get along with them anymore, didn't enjoy the social scene, never really did anyway, people just seemed to talk about the same things over and over. So the solution I guess was to walk away and find people with a different sort of mind set, luckily, despite being known as the 'ice queen' I found a great bunch of people, wasn't easy but hey I even found someone my age who's as freakish about bikes as I am (a rare find where I'm from) and that to me is worth gold.

 

It takes a few misses before you hit the bulls-eye, nothing wrong with being introverted, just narrows down your search a bit, and hey you don't have to force a friendship with someone who bores you or you don't like, doesn't make you a bad person it means you're honest. And when you find people who are as passionate as you are on things that matter to you then hold on and don't let go (ever considered volunteering for an organisation you feel passionate about? You never know, if you feel passionate about it maybe someone else who volunteers may feel just as passionate as you?)

 

Wish you a ton of luck though it isn't easy but it seems you want to work at it so I think you'll find what you're looking for pretty soon

[SucceedSocially]

Being friendly is basically being nice and interested in other people:

 

-Starting conversations with new people

-Taking time to chat with people you already know

-Inviting people to do things with/you the group - making them feel included and bringing them into the fold

-Doing nice little gestures for other people - e.g., offering them a drink

-Offering compliments

-Being interested in other people and what they have to say

-When you're out, making sure everyone is having a good time

-Being positive in general

 

This is more a subtle general attitude you have, not about being over the top and trying to suck up to everyone constantly, or being fakely chipper.

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

sorry to use u as an example

 

but the moral is

 

be who you are, act like you act, if you introverted fine.....thats who you are, if you change it u'll just be a depressed extrovert and you'll be fake.....

 

 

(mod note)

 

my response is inside the quote highlighted in red sir, so please dont delete my post like u did last time/and or ban me for another 7 days

 

thank you

[easyguy]

Assume the person you are talking to is already your friend. That is why the term is called friendly. That is one of the most significant qualities I have noticed in outgoing, extraverted people. Just last weekend at work (a small music club and restaurant), the band leader of one of the bands drew the audience's attention like a magnet, because it didn't matter if you knew him or not. I met him right when he got to the venue and right after we greeted each other, he asked me if I wanted to sit in with his band.

 

That's just one way to think about it. Give it a try. You may be surprised. It has helped me quite a bit over time, especially after observing how others conduct themselves in the presense of an individual and a group of people.

[Lily04]

thanks easyguy. that's a good approach. I was actually a bit down today because I found out that this girl in one of my classes invited everyone in the class to her birthday party except for me. I found this a bit odd, especially because the class is quite small and 'close-knit' -- everyone in it is part of this distinct program at my school. although i am not in the program i was granted special permission to take the course anyway. In any case, the reason... likely that I never bothered to really join their little program 'clique' -- I never went to the society's meetings, trips, dances, etc... just didn't really care. I didn't really jive with most of the elite/snobby people in the program either...

 

But I still feel a bit sad that she left me out in particular, because I actually found her to be one of the more down-to-earth people... I think it may be because I developed a bad reputation in the course and due to peer pressure she decided not to forward me the invite. However, today was her b-day and at 12:01 am today (I was online anyway), I sent her a friendly greeting over Facebook like "I hope you have a greeeat day and party!! Glad to be the first one to post today!!" so i'm hoping she'll feel a bit guilty for it lol... anyway... I think people get the impression that I'm a bit secluded and perhaps snobby myself.. I'm just very independent. not into the whole 'clique' scene... so whatever..

[OctoberLily]

I, too, am an introvert and, usually, people's first impression of me is that I am a snob. However, I feel that I am completely and totally the opposite of a snob. I am just not a gregarious person who relishes attention. I have learned that in order to succeed professionally, you do need to make an attempt to get out of your shell and show interest in other people.

 

Sometimes our first impression of others is completely the opposite of how they truly are but, without an attempt to get to know them, you will never know. Just like others would never know that I have a sense of humor and am a nice person - if they never made an effort to continue to get to know me better. It takes a little bit for me to warm up to people and feel comfortable with them before I am able to let others know my history but that stage of the relationship must present itself. Otherwise, like you, I would be shut out of social situations that could affect my professional and personal life.

 

You don't need to be the center of attention, but when you are next to someone you don't know, ask them questions about them that would normally interest you about people. For example, if you have kids, ask them about their kids - you may find that you have common interests that would lead into other subjects. If you like to run, they may say their preference is to sit on a couch and watch t.v. - well, ask them what their favorite shows are and that leads on to other topics. You don't need to force yourself to talk about things that you also enjoy.

 

Being yourself is great, but you need to step out of yourself on occasion in order to be sociable and learn about other people.

 

Look at me, someone who hates social events, giving advice on being sociable. LOL!! I just think and have learned that it is important to interact with others that you see daily or in some way have a professional relationship with.

 

You will be amazed (such as I have) that my first impressions are not always as accurate as I think they are and that I have many common interests with the people I meet.

[OctoberLily]

sorry to use u as an example

 

but the moral is

 

be who you are, act like you act, if you introverted fine.....thats who you are, if you change it u'll just be a depressed extrovert and you'll be fake.....

(mod note)

 

Unfortunately, sometimes in a professional environment, being an introvert can get you fired for many reasons, but the underlying reason could be that you are just not "meshing well" (fitting in) with the office personnel. I've seen several people let go because they were just not a "good fit" with the office personnel. They did not make an effort to get to know their co-workers. It did not matter that they were extraordinarily hard working, did their job well, and were intelligent. Employers want people who are a good fit with their office - someone who is not only exceptional in what they do, but they also get along with their employees.

 

When you see people 5 days a week for 8 or more hours a day, you are now in a professional relationship with these people - just like you have a relationship with people in your family. In fact, some people interact with their co-workers more than they interact with their family. You will be thrown into social events with these people, so you will need to be able to socialize with them whether you like them or not. Ignoring them leads to you being alienated from others,which is not a good place to be in a professional environment. This also fits into social events. You want people to be interested in you, so you need to be interested in them as well.

[Bartok]

be who you are, act like you act, if you introverted fine.....thats who you are, if you change it u'll just be a depressed extrovert and you'll be fake.....

Dead wrong.

 

I'm an introvert. I personally don't think there should be anything wrong with being an introvert... BUT IN MODERN CULTURE, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH BEING AN INTROVERT. That's just the way it is. Adapt, or you'll miss out on tons of things because people are too stupid or unwilling to understand. You WILL be happier reaching out to others, because if you don't, all those self-proclaimed "extroverts" sure as hell won't reach out to you.

 

Not that I'm bitter, or anything

[Kinetics]

This is dead on. I give off the wrong first impressions, and after talking and being around them for a while, they have a different impression of me.

 

It's never been easy for me to give the right first impressions especially if you are in a uncertain social situation, like going to a party that isn't your friend's for example.

 

I really need to be more friendly-looking at all social situations...hence, at this point, I know that being a PR person is definitely not my kind of job, LOL.