Is this a good Good-Bye Letter

[Torn_Then_Reborn]

{The goodbye letter is in the next post, I just wanted to give the story in this post but go ahead to the next post to read the goodbye letter and tell me if its good or not}

 

Hi, first off I have been part of a 5 year on and off relationship that has been traumatic to say the least.. I contemplated ending my life NUMEROUS times.. But when I was with her through the years, I have never felt such bliss and happiness in my entire life.. NEVER !

 

I met her accross the hall from me in an apartment building .. She was separated from her husband (they have a kid), but he'd go in living there from time to time.. She used to have him sleep in a makeshift room at his job off and on for years..

 

Anyhoo, she has always felt like it was over between them, she can't even have sex with the guy.. But they met 16 years ago and she got raped from someone else in high school and he came to the rescue so to speak so he means something to her, just not like a husband.

 

Anyway, to make a long story short, she only feels intimate with me, not him (he even told me she cant have sex with him so its true) .. We talked again in November, she told me this time she was divorced.. We had an absolute beautiful time in November and december, we were so happy. Together all day and all night, going out, shopping, we have everything in common from music to clothing style, same opinions on everything etc,.

 

Anyway around x-mas she told me that she wasn't divorced.. She said she only told me she was divorced because she wanted to see how it would feel like to be single.. Anyways, the ex came back strong making her feel sorry for him with his tears when he found out she was seeing me again, and she allowed him to move back in in January..

 

That's the thing, all he has to do is feel miserable, not eat and lsoe 30 pounds when he finds out about us, and cry his butt off and she feels sorry for him.. Thats how they met, she felt sorry for him initially because he was a loser living in her parents aprtment complex.. At 18, and he was 22, she fell for him after she was raped .. He was the only guy there.. He was a caker and still is.. He doesnt have anything and this girl is smart and beautiful .. I just dont understand why she always has to feel sorry for him..

 

The problem with her is, he is a loser and she always feel sorry for him.. She wants to be with me, I am successful and provide her with romance, intimacy, a great time out and we have so much fun and laugh our stomachs and abs hurt from so much laughter..

 

Understand that there is no hiding here like you see other married people hide an affair.. Everything was open from day one.. I met her family numerous times, take them out to dinner etc .. Her husband always knew about us.. I always say she was going to get divorced, she always says how she doesn't love him like she should, how she cant have sex with him etc .. She tells him everything about us .. She has told him many times she is in love with me.. But they have a kid, thats the thing, a 7 year old daughter.. And she always used the kid as an excuse to keep this guy around and involved in her life..

 

Anyway, after he moved in in January, she called me 3 weeks later near the end of january saying she wants to be with me, she is not happy with him and she wants to finally just make herself happy.. She tells everyone (for years) that I am the guy who makes her happy, so it never surprises her relatives that she is seeing me again, because they'd assume me right away ..

 

Anyhow, I saw her for 3 weeks (everyday and night) while the husband moved back in.. So the the husband started making excuses to be away so no one can watch her daughter. He was trying for us not to see each other etc.. Also, she told me that she gave him a week to move out and a week came and gone and he was still there.. Well, thats when I lost it.. I said, that's it, I've had it with that life of seeing a married woman who's living with her husband.. I need to be with someone single.. And that's it..

 

I was kinda hoping that would force her to get mad at her husband and get a divorce, but that hasn't happened.. He is still there over a month later..

 

So now, she accuses me saying that I don't love her, and her husband loves her because he always stuck around no matter what, and I ran off.. I hate when she says this, because I do love her.. I told her, its not a question of love, it's the situation.. I'm 35 years old, have never been married and want to be married myself, and be married with you.. But how can that happen when she always procrastinates ?? This has been going on for years !!

 

And frankly, I cant sleep now because of what I've done by cutting her off .. Now her husband is brainwashing her saying "You see, I told you he wasn't the right one for you, he's fake" etc .. Thats not true, I am not fake.. I believe waiting for someone for 5 years is a heck of a sacrifice, I haven't slept with anyone else, even when her and I were apart for 6 months at some points in those 5 years ..

 

She doesn't seem to understand that ..

[Torn_Then_Reborn]

The Letter

 

Hi, I know I've sent you a few emails , but I assure you this is the last one.. Understand it's just part of the letting go process .. I never said it's easy.. In fact, it's very hard .. It's by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do .. So if you didn't think that I love you, you aren't as smart as I thought you were .. Because it wouldn't be so difficult and heartwrenching ..

 

With that said, I hope wherever life takes you, you end up extremely happy and fulfilled - that's all I ever wanted for you .. And this wish I have for you is true, and very heartfelt ..

 

And I'm going to be doing the same with some extensive travelling I have planned to experience new things .. I believe there is a special someone out there for me who is caring, loving, sincere, beautiful and kind .. And I will be everything I can possibly be for her, which is honesty, care, gentleness and all those things a woman needs from her significant other.. I will make sure the woman in my arms has her head held up high , and has the sense (and look on her face) of true happiness and total fulfillment.. Because she will have no choice considering how I will treat her ..

 

One thing I do know for sure is, I will never see a married woman ever again .. Unhappiness and unfullfilment aren't even the words to describe how awful that life is .. And like I said, if you weren't married, it would have been an entirely different story .. Because my personality is void (and not nearly who I am)when seeing someone who's married / or attached in any way.. How can someone go on with someone when they are so not who they are (because of the circumstances) ? Which is why many times I mentioned you really didn't get a proper chance to know me, despite how long we've been in each other's lives.. So you can't hate me for not wanting to take part in that if I can't even be me .. If you knew me being single, then you'd know what I am talking about, but we never had that chance .. But this has already been discussed ad nauseum ..

 

I've always told you I'm an "all or nothing" guy .. That's just me .. And the only way it can be, or has to be ..

 

You know, the things we shared in common was one of the strongholds (or the glue) that didn't allow me to forget about you.. But I realized, it doesn't matter if two people have a million things in common if they both don't share the same ideas on how a relationship should be , or how a future together should be conducted in the right and proper manner .. And this is what really counts..

 

Take care of yourself and your daughter, to me, the 2 most beautiful girls in the world .. Good luck, good bye, and you will always have my good wishes..

 

Love,

Me

[Torn_Then_Reborn]

So thats the letter I wrote but haven't sent it to her yet .. After 5 years, I've concluded that wants both of us in her life.. But I dont want him in her life..

 

She always tells me that he will have to be there for PTA meetings at school and what not, but apparently they talk about more than just that .. And hang out too much (he drives her to the mall all day with the kid just a week before I broke it off with her) .. She calls me from the mall saying she's with him and the kid and I'm like what ?? I was with you all night and I will be with you tonight and you are with this guy in between ?? What is this ??

 

So thats why I broke it off, because I feel like she wants both of us in her life, and I feel like I can't have her have it her way , so I cut it off..

 

But now I am depressed beyond all recognition for the last 6 weeks since I broke it off ... I can't concentrate on anything, I cant enjoy anything and I can't work..

 

I hate this dilemma, it is SO DAMN HARD TO LIVE LIFE when you love someone in such an ugly situation like this !!

[astaro]

he is the father of her children.

 

he is going to be in her life forever.

[Torn_Then_Reborn]

he is the father of her children.

 

he is going to be in her life forever.

 

Yes, I know that.. However, and I should have mentioned, it's the back and forthness of the situation..

 

Understand, he was living alone.. She sees me for 2 months, then she tells me in January she feels like she needs to work on her marriage and forget about me.. 3 weeks later she calls me crying saying she can never be happy with him.. And she misses me terribly and wants to finally make herself happy as I am the only one who can provide that for her (so she says) .

 

She sees me for weeks, stays over, we make love , great happy times full of laughter etc, the whole nine yards, and she promises me he will leave her apartment in a few days.. Well he didn't leave like she said..

 

This whole circus has gone on for 5 years..

 

I totally understand he needs to be there in her life for the kid.. In November and December he'd pick the kid up and take her to his place 3 times a week (mostly weekends) .. I am totally fine with that .. What I can't understand is why does she have to live with the guy ..

 

This guy, even when he knows she's seeing me and is faithful to me, follows her in the shower and jerks off because he lusts her like crazy .. She doesn't touch him, and doesn't let him touch her, but I am uncomfortable dating someone living with her husband when she says its over between them.. And I am uncomfortable her being in the same household and him still trying to win her back with valentines letters and so forth.. That happened too ..

 

How can a woman live with her husband, and have me pick her up daily right in front of her door while he is there ?? I mean, the situation is convoluted at best.. And I was always uncomfortable with it.. But I love her so much and feel like she is the only woman for me.. Never have I had the things in common and attachment I felt with this woman ..

 

Never have I been in love with anyone but her ..

[Newroses]

I just want to add a warning that Im not sure applies here or not but is part of my experience. My ex gf is a single mother too and we met while she was going through her divorce. We were together for almost 5 years and so I took on a "shake and bake" family for that period of time. We also had a rocky relationship but all and all I loved her very much. Here is the warning, I loved thoose girls like they were my own. I wanted and still want nothing but happiness for them in thier lives. I have not been doing so well dealing with the fact that I lost them and that I won't be able to be a part of their lives. I equate this feeling to what it must fee like when a parent loses a child. I don't know what kind of relationship you develped with her child. If you became like the father figure or the uncle friend. Whatever the case if you havn't experienced the pain of losing her kid as well be prepared for it. Although it sounds like you are experiencing it and might not be aware of it. I also have been unable to concentrate, sleep, or eat well for the past month or so. I've broken down on dozens of occasions and I felt like I was losing my mind just a few days ago. No kidding. That's when I stumbled upon ENA and found some people to talk to and give me advice. I hope this helps. Good luck!

[Thornycactus]

Torn, good letter, however take out the ".........aren't as smart as I thought you were" part.................puts up an instant wall with me and makes it difficult to focus on the rest of the letter, ie it's a shot and that's all she'll remember.

Getting involved with kindof married people or people in the process of separation is a long shot..............too many emotions and unresolved issues..............not for the meek..............I personally won't say Never again..............since I'm from the older generation and the odds someone has children or a history increases ten fold when your older you can't be as "picky"................but if your young and you have a choice................Stay away!

 

Newroses..............instantly impressed with you....................if you loved my children and they loved you..................it would be their decision to continue a relationship with you....................anyone who brings happiness and love to my children is more than welcomed into their world.

 

Never occurred to me to limit or separate them from my ex...........he's their dad, but even if he were not and he had made his mark on them................it would just be cruel to keep them apart..................I pray it works out for you

TC