Over-Analyzing (I have learned a lot)

[Boromir]

Hey everyone. I know if you are posting here, you are more likely troubled by something, and I hope you all find a solution to help you through whatever it is that is bothering you.

 

Back when I first found this site, I was going through a horrible breakup with a woman I was with for 4 years. I didn't have much of a support system, and one of the places I turned to was here. Enotalone wasn't the total fix I needed, but it definitely helped. Eventually I made new friends, started speaking to a therapist, got a new job, new place to live, and before I knew it, had a completely different life. About a year ago I felt like I was on top of the world.

 

I am still scarred by my ex, and others before her. I started dating someone new about a year ago too, and while I cared for this girl, I had to break it off as she was just too hard to be in a relationship with. I would love to post more on her, but it has recently hit a point where because of my actions, we'll never talk again.

 

The biggest problem I had getting over my ex, and something that I didn't realize until last night, that I over-analyzed everything that was going wrong or confusing me in a relationship. When it was ending everything felt like it was crashing down, and I banged my head trying to understand why. It was impossible for me to understand that I wasn't wanted anymore, especially when I was being told that I was still cared for. I made the mistake of always applying MY LOGIC to what I thought they were doing and saying, and that gave me even more problems. Since my logic couldn't understand what they were doing, I kept analyzing them over and over again in a hopeless loop.

 

So it wasn't until yesterday did I realize that all this time I was marrying the concepts of "understanding" and "accepting". I couldn't accept anything until I understood it, and if I didn't understand it, I couldn't let things go and move on, because I never could move on to accepting.

 

Now I didn't do this with everything, just in situations where I thought the answers could be given. I don't stress over why God put humans on Earth, because I know I'll never have that conversation with God and thereforeeee just accept that we are here. But in the case of a relationship, listening to a person who I care about say one thing, and then act another, and not explain it properly, started the process that caused me to analyze the situation to the point where I would lose sleep, act weird, get self-destructive, and so on. And I couldn't turn it off. So when a relationship would end for example, I would try to analyze what went wrong, and how the other could feel and act the way that they did. They would tell me, but I still didn't understand how. So because I couldn't understand, I couldn't accept it, and ultimately let it go.

 

Ironically I do a great job blowing off many things, but when someone becomes part of my life and knows me intimately, it is tough. Its like, "I dont let people close to me, and I let you, and you don't seem to appreciate it."

 

So what does all this mean? Well, I have to now just go straight to accepting, and handling understanding as a gift that comes around every now and then. Some people already do this so well, and I am so pissed it has taken me this long to learn it. This kind of thinking runs along the lines of forgiving someone, or letting something just go. In either case you are bypassing trying to understand so you don't think about it, and so you wont continue to be sad. You have to accept the way things are, there is no alternative.

 

So imagine not accepting for so long at the expense of trying to understand, when in most cases I couldn't. It is a liberating feeling. You have to just let things go, and that means to stop thinking about it.

 

So for those who have over-analyzed things like I have, think about what you have just read. If you have been doing the same thing I have, think about how easier things could have been if you just accepted something, and not try and force a way to keep it in your life, which is what you are doing when the other person doesn't want to be there.

 

Sad I know, but the sooner you move on the quicker you can enjoy the rest of your life.

 

Good luck everyone.

[honeyspur]

 

So what does all this mean? Well, I have to now just go straight to accepting, and handling understanding as a gift that comes around every now and then. Some people already do this so well, and I am so pissed it has taken me this long to learn it. This kind of thinking runs along the lines of forgiving someone, or letting something just go. In either case you are bypassing trying to understand so you don't think about it, and so you wont continue to be sad. You have to accept the way things are, there is no alternative.

 

So imagine not accepting for so long at the expense of trying to understand, when in most cases I couldn't. It is a liberating feeling. You have to just let things go, and that means to stop thinking about it.

 

 

 

This is so powerful and beautifully said. I feel exactly like you at this point in my life too....

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Boromir, thanks for writing this. This is exactly what I needed to read this morning, as I have just begun a relationship and am being overly analytical. I just need to accept and live in the present moment, basically.

[zippitt]

I am learning the same thing practically at the same time. My approach is a little different, possibly because the cause of me analyzing things is different. I find someone I like and put them on pedestal and think about them obsessively. I try to analyze their every move when I do not understand how they work I start freaking myself out wondering what is going on in their head. This thought process always leads to my downward spiral.

 

The solution I keep reading everywhere is to be happy first and make those around you happy. Do not expect anything in return. No one can fault you for giving, it's a gift whether or not they accept it or not.

 

So in regards to your post, don't analyze, just be happy with your decisions and do not making giving something you expect in return. Obviously don't sell yourself short, but if the relationship fails it wasn't because you were not a happy giving person, some things just don't work. But over-analyzing will definitely break things, it shows you are not happy with situation and are trying to gain some control.

[Boromir]

Thanks for the compliments guys, glad I can be of some help. Making a difference is just as rewarding as coming to the realization of what I have been doing all of this time.

 

The solution I keep reading everywhere is to be happy first and make those around you happy. Do not expect anything in return. No one can fault you for giving, it's a gift whether or not they accept it or not. . . But over-analyzing will definitely break things, it shows you are not happy with situation and are trying to gain some control.

 

Well, some people are happy being miserable too, and can't see out of it. Some are used to giving in to certain compromises as well, and "believe" they are happy when in reality they are selling themselves short, like lowering their standards. And how do you set standards? Based on past experiences? Suppose your life has been crappy. . . your standards would be different than someone else's who has gotten everything they wanted.

 

You can force smiles, but you can't really force happiness. Certain things have to be in place for you to be, and you'll never be happy while over-analyzing all of the time. It just isn't healthy.

[MissPhenominal2]

I have to learn how to not Over Analyze things, cuz i tend to do that often.

But i don't know how to stop

[anya1607307555]

thanks for that, boromir. I agree you expressed it perfectly, it makes total sense to me. it seems a tough thing to achieve, when your mind/heart are demanding logical answers, but I imagine if you simply make a decision to accept it regardless and stay focused, it's achievable? I'm going to put it into practice and we will see

[pinkelephant]

Thanks, I'm slowly getting to where you are. It's taking me a long time too, but the fact that we got there (or eventually will in my case is the point.

 

I'm going to save this.

[lostNspace]

I was marrying the concepts of "understanding" and "accepting". I couldn't accept anything until I understood it, and if I didn't understand it, I couldn't let things go and move on, because I never could move on to accepting.

 

I went thru this same realization about a year ago at age 36 after analyzing a relationship to death. On top of that, I'm the world's biggest worry-wart. The guy I was with (and analyzing to death) finally pointed out to me what I was doing. His pointing it out was the best thing he could do.

 

I was anyalyzing everything he said and did - looking for the "hidden meaning." Waiting for the ball to drop. Waiting for what I expected to be the inevitable to happen. All along, there was no hidden meaning. He pretty much told me to take him for his word and at face value and quit looking for problems that didn't exist. When I quit doing that, the relationship got a lot better. I won't say I don't slip up every now and then and start it again, but at least now I realize what I'm doing and can put a stop to it before it gets too bad.

 

It is unbelievable how much your life will change when you realize that you are doing this and learn how to stop it when it happens.