I beg for your opinion on the ex's actions!

[unluckythirteen]

I've posted here before, about the ex and I becoming closer every day.

 

Yesterday, we spent the whole day together. He slept over my apartment, we woke up, cuddled and wrestled like we used to. I bought us lunch and then later on in the day.... we took a nap together. I made a joke saying, "I have a silly, stupid question to ask.." then I asked "Will you go out with me?" (he broke it off with me) He told me that wasn't a stupid question ..but he shook his head no.... I didn't say anything but I pretended to fall asleep. He stared at me, played with my hair and stroked my face till I actually DID fall asleep.

 

Later on, he took me out to a few places. We had such a great time.. he even made plans for the future... like taking me out for my birthday that's in December, movies he wants to see with me.. things he wants to buy me... or places he wants to go. Then when we were out to dinner, he slipped and called me his girlfriend.

Then he kept saying stuff that began with... "If I ever ask you out..." "If we ever get back together.."

He makes it a reminder to tell me that he's happy around me.

 

 

What's going on here? I don't want to confront him about it because I haven't for awhile and he seems to be opening up more since I haven't been pressuring him. I haven't been talking about us, or getting upset... I've been natural around him, happy, and fun to be around. What he fell in love with. He's treating me better now than he ever has. It seems like he's slowly getting to his senses, but then why did he say no? Should I just wait it out? If you were in my situation, would you have hope, too? Do I even have a reason to hope???? Is patience my virtue?

Interept this! I could be a fool in love but I need someone else's opinion to what this sounds like... or help with what to do.

[kahlua07]

Im in a similar position in the sense that my ex and I are getting back together but trying not to rush into it... and I think that you should wait it out. Don't pressure the situation. He obviously really cares about you but maybe he isn't quite ready to go there yet. You said it yourself, be the way that made him fall in love with you in the first place, but make sure that you can handle it if and when things get more serious. You broke up for a reason at some pt, so make sure that you've both learned and realized things since then....bc something had to change for the better. good luck

[jacobs]

what was the reason...or reasons....that broke up the relationship?

[unluckythirteen]

Two things happened that made us split:

 

1. I've been friends with him for years. It was actually three of us that were all best friends.. we'll name them Bob and Joe. Joe will be my ex. and it was before me and Joe started dating, or I even knew we were going to date.. I slept with our best friend Bob out of rebound from another relationship... and partically me being drunk and depressed one night over it. One time thing, and I even stopped being friends with Bob over it. I wasn't dating Joe at the time. I knew he liked me though... we had a crush on each other for years. I liked Joe too, but like I said, I just got out of a relationship... I didn't want to lead Joe on and him be a rebound. What happened with Bob was a mistake, I regret it completely.. and I didn't want Joe to be a mistake.

But still... After me and Joe started dating, I let him know what happened. I never lied to him about it, I just came clean one night (without him asking), not even a month after we started dating.

The fact that I slept with his best friend kills him and he cannot trust me over it. During the whole relationship, I never lied, never cheated, nothing. It was that one incident before we started dating that makes his trust in me hurt. He knows I'm completely against cheating.

 

2. Back around the end of June, we lived together for almost a year by then. We never ever had time alone, we were together every single day for three years (not kidding at all) Never hung out with the friends alone, never spent more than a few hours apart. After we started living together, we started fighting. We barely used to fight before we lived together. We were fighting over stupid crap while living together... things seemed stale, he seemed bored, we were broke, everything was going downhill.. so I broke up with him. As much as I didn't want to, I just felt we didn't get along anymore. I moved some of my stuff out, then before the weekend was even finished, I moved my stuff back in because I made a mistake.. I tried leaving the relationship without even trying to improve it. We were together for a week, buying furntiture together, spending good times together... everything seemed to be going great! Then he dumped me at the end of the week.. saying he cannot trust me because of Bob, and because I broke up with him. He's afraid I'll break it off again... and we'll just start fighting constantly.

 

(we don't live with each other anymore. we still live in the same apartment complex, but separately)

[jacobs]

the key thing here,coming from a guy....is where you say that (you knew joe liked you).and he knew that you knew he liked you.but you slept with bob.do you see what im getting at here?im sure joe has known all along what happened between you and bob.its a male ego thing.in which his has been damaged.im sure joe and bob have always been very competitive.and part of the problem is that in joes mind he feels that you are more physically attracted to bob sinse you chose him first.and sinse you were all best friends it cant be ruled out as a meaningless one nite thing with a stranger.im curious as to which one of the two(joe and bob)before the intamcy with bob,were you more physically attracted to?after all like you said...you knew that joe liked you,yet you chose bob.put yourself in joes shoes.does this make sense?joe will always feel that he is second best to bob...and im also curious as to why you and bob arent friends anylonger?anyways i hope this helps.

[unluckythirteen]

I've always been attracted to Joe. I never even thought of making out or having any kind of relations with Bob.. but at the time, being drunk and depressed about a bad break up, a trash can would have sufice for having "someone there". I never in any way wanted Bob more than a friend. I didn't even think me and Joe were going to work out.. because Joe was also seeing a few girls at the time I slept with Bob. (even though he liked me.)

Me and Bob are no longer friends anymore because he was mad that I said something. I wanted Bob completely out of the picture if Joe was in my life.. and I did that, we did that. I don't like hiding things.

 

Now, I did forget to mention.. right after me and Joe broke up, he was with this girl he worked with. Drunk and lonely, just like how I was. Even while we were sleeping together at the time AND telling me he loved me.. he lied to me about it. I found out through a friend what happened.

He told me he lied because he didn't want me to be upset. He apologized, and also doesn't speak with her anymore.

[jacobs]

in your reply to my first question as to the reasons for your break up.you say about you and bob.....(we had a crush on each other for years)...i liked joe too).......there is no question in my mind that joe loves you.but he will always feel less then bob....remember your words about you and bob?....we had a crush on each other for years....i liked joe too.and im not trying to grill you.im just trying to show you how joe feels about this.the male ego is very fragile.and im still curious as to whom you were more physically attracted to before the fling with bob.(physically)...you had a crush on bob remember?and you (liked joe too).when you can be honest about that with yourself,then you will be able to salvage whatever it is you feel you and joe have.i dont recomend telling joe who you were more physically attracted to though....let me know...

s.

[unluckythirteen]

Sorry if that came out the wrong way.. but I was trying to say that I never had a crush on Bob, it was Joe that I liked for years.

I never thought of Bob that way, ever.

I was never attracted to Bob, it was always Joe that I was attracted to.

 

I've told Joe that, I've told him that I never, ever had feelings for Bob and it was always Joe that I had in my heart.

I just didn't want to hurt Joe, because after my last relationship.. I was so distraught and not myself at all. I didn't want to enter a relationship so soon with Joe... and one drunken night, I used Bob for company to ease the pain of the ex.

[reborn]

Unlucky thirteen,

I think Joe loves you. I think Joe is just is scared and has insecurity issue.

I dont know what the right course of action will be. You love him, by being around you he is showing even if he denys it he loves you too. If I were you I would stop mentioning the getting together thing for a while.

 

If you are doing all that stuff, you are technically together. At some point however you guys still have to deal with the Bob situation. But it doesn{t sound like he is open to suggestions such as counceling now.

I think he loves you, because otherwise there would be no way in hell he will be spending so much time with you. Do not listen to those people that say he is getting all he wants and is using for the sex. He is with you because he enjoys being with you.

My ex, cares about me, but does not love me. He calls me now twice a week (and who knows how long that will last) however he has expressed no desire to see me or hang out with me. That should say it all. When we talk is great and fun.

Read this site unlucky thirteen. I would say you are luckier than most here who probably 90% + or the cases want their ex{s back or even to have them carress their face as they sleep. Come on!

Yes, you guys are in a tense situation, yes, it is not stable yet, however you seem to me more towards progressing towards being together than not. I know it is difficult not to relax when he says NO! to being together, but again I repeat what I always say: check out the actions and forget the words. If they contradict each other I would go with the actions as they seem to be something he can{t help doing--emotion.

He seems for some reason not to be ready to fully commit now. Respect that. Keep being patient. And forget negative comments and advice you hear. This is the man you love. Fight for him and remain positive. Yours is not the worst case scenarios lucky. In fact it is one of the most promising I have read as of late in enotalone.

It is normal for you to be anxious. But this is a time to be logical.

You said by you being happy, carefree and unpressuring him he has found his way back. Then keep doing that. Let his words reassure you not his actions. If you don{t think you can deal with this undefined situation for too long then set your self a date, say 2 months from today were you will ask him again to be together. And don{t mention it till then.

I have a question for you. What exactly is different between what you are doing now (ex. the day you described in your posting) than when he agrees you are going out???? I mean really think about it. What the word girlfriend? Does that give you security? Bad example but one that comes to my mind: that is just a title look at the story of poor Princess Di and Camila. Camila was in reality the real partner of Prince Charles.

You are spending time together, spending sweet moments together. Its funny because when we are broken up with our exs and the are away we are totally panicking and wishing that if they were back around even a little crumb of them we will be fine again. However, everytime I hear here of an ex coming back most people are like beware, and he is getting the best of you. We ourselfs, the one that is going through it let insecurity and our negativity get the best of us. If you keep asking him this and he decides to disappear from your life for good and not call you or spend any moment with you or eat lunch with you, or carress your hair and sleep over your apartment.... you will be like Danm!!! What I had was not so bad afterall.

Just be patient LUCKY13. Love is patient, love is kind, love accepts all, and puts up with all. I am not a bible freak but read this beautiful definition I copy pasted for you about love:

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails.

So Love him. be patient. Good luck 13.

-Reborn

[reborn]

Let his words reassure you not his actions.

--I meant that the other way around--sowee

[unluckythirteen]

What you said made me see things a lot more clearly.

We are going out again tonight, for another "date".

 

Last night, he went out somewhere without me.. which is fine. I went out to a party that was an hour away. It was loud there and I didn't hear my cell phone. I looked my cell just to see if he just happened to message me or anything.. YES. 2 messages and 3 missed calls. I called back to find out that his car was towed away, had to haul a taxi to go get it, no one would help him out.. and he said the only thing he wanted to do was be with me right then because he was having such a bad night. He wanted to see me but he couldn't.. I was an hour away. He seemed really really upset that I wasn't there for him to comfort him or even around...

Then he asked to hang out tonight.

So I think he's beginning to realize things. I'm having a lot of hope here.

 

I cried after reading what you said to me. Thank you so incredibly much.