Am I wasting more time?

[pr0crastinator]

I'll try to keep it short, but there's a lot to say!

 

I was in a 12-year relationship with a woman who left me. She had two miscarriages, then when we had planned to try again things started going wrong.

 

She started seeing an ex-boyfriend on the side. I think that lasted a few months though when I discovered about it she claimed there was no intercourse (from what I hear there was something if not intercourse). Then a few months after that she met someone, started sleeping with him, then moved out. She made up an excuse about needing to be close to a relative who was unwell (this wasn't a lie but was an excuse). There was a short period of time when I was sleeping with her after she'd started sleeping with that guy.

 

Despite the hurt this caused, I was willing to take her back, but made lots of standard mistakes. I felt sorry for myself, and lost a lot of weight, and neglected myself. As well as that, I gave her many chances to opt out of her relationship with me, and go to the other guy. So we were back on, then off, then on etc

 

She told me a lot of lies during possibly a 15 month period. I needed to look at bank statements and phone bills to work some things out.

 

For years we've been in touch, and she's on her second serious relationship i.e. it's longer than six months. She's just moved in with this guy. It has been like being taunted to have stayed in touch so long: she always implied that the reason for my meeting her was about me and her, but then she'd start telling me about some guy or other she was interested in. Or she'd offload problems about her current relationship.

 

I haven't had any relationship longer than a few months in that time. I'm trying to build my career, though it hasn't been easy. But I've also done the other stuff, going out and having a good time, getting fitter, expanding my circle of friends.

 

Anyway, the ex was playing her standard trick, which was to share with me all the downsides of this latest partner as if she'll suddenly say "I want you back". (And I'd managed not to talk to her about anything relationship-related for about 3 months... ). But just recently she started saying she thinks "too much" has happened and that it would be unlikely to work between us. (Believe me, I didn't initiate this.... she has been in the habit of asking me regularly about the chances for "us"). And then I find out she is moving in with this guy.

 

It's almost like our relationship only really ended when she said she had little hope for any future chances. Up until that time there had always been communication, and very occasionally sex, though we hadn't lived together for a couple of years. (The last time I slept with her was only about 9 months ago.)

 

How do I maximize the chances of making it happen with her again. Being reasonable, the amount of stuff that's happened I think I'd need some major signs of commitment from her, and probably we'd need some counselling to get started. And it would still be just an option: it would depend massively on her attitude. In the past she has refused even to acknowledge that I could use the word "affair" or "unfaithful" since she maintains (wrongly) that she was never sleeping with another man whilst she was living with me.

 

I know lots of people would say I shouldn't put myself down by taking an interest in her, but I just can't see why she has spent literally years trying to keep me interested like this. It can't all be for no reason, can it?

 

And it becomes insulting when your ex is telling you how "it feels all wrong" to be moving in with her latest partner since he treats her really badly apparently. It's as if I don't exist. Maybe I've been far too nice. Maybe she just likes bad guys now.

 

I have let her know recently that I don't want to hear about her future successes and whatever happens with the new partner e.g. her possibly getting pregnant. Should I just leave it at that?

 

Is there any way in the world that I can ever know that this woman is approaching me seriously if she approaches me again?? How could I ever know if she was serious? Have I made so many mistakes in the last few years that the situation is irredeemable?

 

I am seeing someone currently, but I don't have a lot of hope for the relationship (but that's not because of the ex). If my current relationship does not last I will go on meeting people, and I may meet a better match...who knows. I won't sit around waiting for anyone. I've spent too long on the ex already, probably, I know!

 

Unfortunately the ex also has a slight loser mentality i.e. if she were to think she really has lost me (and by a strange chance really wanted me back) she'd be less likely to come and try to get me back, than to open another bottle of wine and just drown her sorrows...

 

Any ideas? Am I just being a total loser by wasting time on her? What is she up to?? Why is she moving in with someone she says she is so unsure of.

 

pr0crastinator

[Ferion]

Really man, let go of her. She's not worth your time. I can't think of better advice but that. There are more and better people out there. She doesn't sound like the type of person you would want to keep connections with either. Move on. There's nothing left for you in this person.

 

She's telling you stuff, because she wants to know how you feel about it, to see if you would get jealous or such. Such as the moving in. Or it could be true. Its hard to tell with someone like her.

 

Theres more and better women out there. Even if you do get with her again, it probably wouldn't be a very sucessful relationship. Move on, its better for you. You can do much better.

 

Good luck.