alexkidd Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 hi all. i do not know what to do about my situation so i will post here and ask for help. i have recently got together with a girl i have known for a while. we have been dating a month or so now. she works in an office full of men and i do not usually let things like this bother me. since we met she has been talking online to someone who used to work at the same place as her. she doesn't really hide it from us and i am usually there when she is talking to him. lately the guy keeps asking to meet up at weekends - for a drink or to see a movie. i have no problems with her meeting her friends or guys she knows for drinks. i think the thing that bothers me is that it is just this guy. my girlfriend is oblivious to the signs guys give out when they like her and reading her aol conversations while sitting with her it is obvious the guy is interested. my question was, is it my insecurity that makes me feel this way about this particular case? am i being silly by thinking that my girlfriend should refuse to meet this guy. i mean, the way i see it its fine if the guy is like 'oh theres a party going on at such and such - want to meet up, bring along your boyfriend', but when its 'hey we should do something this weekend! how about a movie, babe?' am i being insecure? Link to comment
Hayles Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 I think your gut instinct is right. But you need to handle it carefully. Be honest, tell her the idea makes you uncomfortable, tell her to put the shoe on the other foot and think about how it would make her feel. Link to comment
blender Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 No, you're not being insecure, you have clear healthy signs of your SELF RESPECT giving you wise guidance. And it's not about telling your girlfriend what she can and can not do, but more importantly letting her know that as long as YOU are in an exclusive loving intimate relationship with a woman, you would prefer that she does not engage in one on one relationships or friendships with a guy whom you do not know, or whom she does not include YOU in getting to know. When you are a couple it is important for you to set some values and standards that are important to you. And I think it's perfectly understandable for you to say in a loving way, that you are not comfortable with this "new friendship" that she is CHOOSING to develop and encourage without YOU also being included in getting to know him as well. I would't want my exclusive love to start "friendships" with someone of the opposite sex and not include me in knowing them and being a part of the friendship, the party invites or going to the movies.. if this is not a guy who she has had a friendship before you came into her life, that would be different, because of course you would understand a "history" of friendship and would also want to get to know the "friends" she has.. but for her to make a choice to develop a "friendship" with someone who potentially does NOT include YOU in the "friendship" well that's certainly a point for you to draw a self respecting line about. Being "insecure" would be "IF" you decided "I'll just "pretend to be okay" with the girl I am in a relatioship with being involved with "relationships" with other guys, if even if she does NOT respectfully include me, because I'd rather keep in her my life even at the cost of my own self respect, and even when I"m uncomfortable about it" YUK. Being "secure and self confident and self respecting, and mature" would mean: "I'm not going to be "okay" with another guy being in her life if in fact it is a "friendship" that does NOT include me getting to know him as well, and all three of us being "buddies", because if it's just going to be "her and him having flirtatious banter, even if she is "innocent" but still engaging in HIS banter and going to meet for drinks or a movie, well that is not "okay" for me, and I will lovingly and clearly let her know how I feel about this". Link to comment
spirits Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 My first question is, does the guy know she has a boyfriend If so, are they only just friends? If they are then you should be fine... let him know you exist, don't suspect him of anything, and just see whether he has other intention besides just friends During the aol convo you looked at, why didn't you just say, "I'm not sure, but I think he likes you" and see how she handles it. If you did have a chance to say that, report back and tell us what she said and how she may have handled it. Right now, we don't have enough info about her and that piece should give us some more clues as to how she's like. Link to comment
alexkidd Posted March 20, 2007 Author Share Posted March 20, 2007 the guy knows shes involved with me and they are only friends, however it does seem like hes interested in more. he almost always calls her babe now and has (what i consider at least) been flirty with her (joking that the conversation of meeting up with her is like some romance ad in a paper). i had sort of asked a friends advice on the matter and his opinion was that he's fine with his other half spending time out with a group of mates but he really wouldnt be happy with her spending any extensive time alone with guys as this only leads to problems, regardless of their intent. i sort of agree but i don't know if im just being controlling. to me, going to a movie or drinks alone with a girl you just met is not a 'friends' thing to do. is that naive of me to think? i have pointed out things during their conversations before (like how excited he was at the prospect of meeting up with her for a movie) and she said im just being silly and hes just a really sweet guy. i have also somewhat let her know i felt a bit threatened by the whole thing (she has commented on his cute face and ive half joked it off) which resulted in her feeling bad about things. i think it is early into the relationship and we are both finding out what we want and how we feel about each other and really a month or two in nothing is concrete. i have fallen head over heels for her and maybe this lack of certainty about a new relationship adds to my doubts and insecurities. Link to comment
blender Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 All that matters is what feels "right" for you, and if within your values and standards for "dating" and really caring for this girl, you would appreciate that she doesn't have a "male friend whom you are not also becoming a friend to as well".. then simply tell her this, it's the self respecting, classy, confident thing to do.. no more "playing guessing games or joking it off' with her, just be "clear and confident" and say, "I would be more comfortable if I met this guy and we could all be friends, if you continue to keep your friendship with him separate from me, then I won't be around here for too long, I have far too much respect for myself, for you and for this relationship, and so I hope you can understand why it's important for me to be honest with you about my feelings regarding this situation" Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 if it doesn't sound right, it probably isn't. he is trying to make a move. that's what i'm seeing. i'd talk to her about it. if she thinks it is innocent, then you need to talk to some other chicks. let her see how it feels. even though you won't do anything. but the 'babe' thing, i'd question for sure. i don't say that to any chick i know unless we are dating. Link to comment
stressed mess Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 I can see how she might be oblivious to his advances, being one of those oblivious girls, myself! But she should respect what makes you comfortable even if she believes it is innocent. If it's truly innocent, then it won't make much of a difference, right? I don't see anything wrong with keeping in touch with old coworkers, but I would just bring my boyfriend along just to get the message accross! Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 i never have any coworkers calling me babe or just hitting me up. anytime. Link to comment
SummerGirl38 Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 I can see how she might be oblivious to his advances, being one of those oblivious girls, myself! But she should respect what makes you comfortable even if she believes it is innocent. If it's truly innocent, then it won't make much of a difference, right? I don't see anything wrong with keeping in touch with old coworkers, but I would just bring my boyfriend along just to get the message accross! I couldn't agree more, I too ended up being one of those girls thinking the guy only wanted my friendship, I was wrong, but sometimes you just need to see it for yourself Link to comment
spirits Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 I couldn't agree more, I too ended up being one of those girls thinking the guy only wanted my friendship, I was wrong, but sometimes you just need to see it for yourself Doesn't mean all guys do that. In fact, I've been accused once from my female friend's boyfriend that I have intention for her - which i don't. But no, i don't say babe or anything. I did, however, attended classes with her, and went shopping. Dined a few times; It's a completely normal thing as far as I'm concerned. I don't like theater movies, so that was the only reason why we didn't go. The twist, though, was that she was very disappointed when she 100% found out that i had no interest in her. So instead of just looking at the guy, you should also observe your girl. And again, i couldn't stress more... *if* the guy really has no intention, and if you subtly accuse and bothered him to a point he doesn't like you, then you're in big trouble. Just try not to offend her friends or else they'll definitely get you back. But if he does have an intention, then what to do is beyond my knowledge Link to comment
SummerGirl38 Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 Well this brings up a good question... Can a man and woman be "just friends" or is there always one party that wants to take it further? In my experience, the answer is "no" they can't be friends, someone always wants to take it further (unless one of them happens to be gay). Sure I've had guy friends "when I was single". Jim and I were very close. We talked nightly for hours about all kinds of topics, he even wanted to pick me up on Sweetest Day when I didn't have a date. He said we'd go out together and he picked me up in his Jag. Little did I know that once I got a boyfriend, Jim didn't want to be "so close" anymore. Now he forgot my # and barely speaks to me if we bump into each other. Moral of my story... Be leary if a guy wants to show you his Jag, lol. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 just friends is hard. it can happen. but very rare. in my past, nope. i've hooked up with just about all of them. and really not my fault. well, not 100%. i had no intentions in the beginning though. or did i ever think it would go that far. Link to comment
alexkidd Posted March 20, 2007 Author Share Posted March 20, 2007 im not so sure about a man and a woman not being able to be friends. i have many friends who are girls. the difference is i never really feel the need to hang out alone with one of them, or build that kind of friendship with them - thats what the relationship between me and my girlfriend is and i just don't feel that way about anyone else. i think its when you start having exclusive, close friendships that the problems happen. thats what worries me about this guy asking my girlfriend to movies and drinks alone i guess. calling her babe and her complementing his features or personality i am cool with. mixing those with him being so excited to arrange dates with her, being a bit flirty, and asking her to movies is what i am insecure about. i will ask her tonight if i can tag along when they do finally go, not only because of how i feel about it, but because im also a bit concerned about her meeting up with someone she has only ever talked to online (regardless if he did used to work at her office). thanks for everyones advice and reassurance that im not totally mad thinking the worst about this whole thing. Link to comment
spirits Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 Guys usually have a fine line drawn after the girl has a boyfriend. That is especially true if you guys aren't very close to begin with. The only reason why i went out with the girl even after she's got a boyfriend was because I've known her for 3 years and chatting quite a bit before she even know the boyfriend. So i don't in any way feel the need to draw the line. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 well, if you were friends before it's cool. i wouldn't try and advance the relationship past that though. Link to comment
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