Help?

[martial]

SO I met this girl a month ago.....we had an immediate connection and things were amazing. We spent a lot of time together. Her best friend was telling me how much she likes me and that she hasnt seen her like a guy this much. Always called me to say hi and that she was thinking about me. Always texting me to say I miss you, you are wonderful and where did you come from cause you are amazning. VERY deep connection....Anywayz 2 days ago she texts me that "This is all a little much for her right now and that its not a loss of interest but she just doesnt know if we want the same things and that she will talk to me about it but she just needs some time" any insight as to what is going on in her head? I know its only been 1 month but how does it go from here instigating a lot of the WOWs to her between Friday and Monday being scared off?

 

INSIGHT IS GREATLY APPRECIATED

 

I really like this girl and have never connected so well with another (out of her mouth as well) honestly can see my self falling for her.....but what scared her off? Is there hope?

[friscodj]

Hey martial-

 

A post I can certainly relate to as this exact thing has happened to me before a few times...

 

I believe she is likely not used to such a situation and is scared. I would even go as far as saying she has had a few bad relationships in the past, maybe gotten herself stuck in some bad situations. Familiarity is a huge part of people's attraction towards or aversion from situations. She may even be trying to find things wrong with this situation in hopes of finding familiarity in it with her past relationships, where obviously something was wrong because they are no longer. This may be the reason she said she isn't sure if you guys want the same things. I would even go as far as saying this was a big reason one of her last relationships ended. People sabotage relationships like this, i.e., generate an excuse not to get hurt later on based on memories from the past and find familiarity and comfort in "bad" situations, even if they create them themselves and even if they are self-destructive. This is a function of self-esteem issues as well.

 

Now, this new and seemingly wonderful opportunity presents itself and it is foreign to her; it is unfamiliar to her and thus she is afraid of it, a natural human reaction. And on top of this, she is finding herself opening up in such a situation and becoming attached to it which scares her even more. Like everyone else, she is afraid of getting hurt (again) and has some degree of a self-esteem issue, maybe not believing this is happening to her or that she doesn't deserve this. This happens all the time, it is very common.

 

The change seems quick because I've seen in situations like this it usually is quick. The situation is literally "too good to be true" in her mind and thus she thinks it isn't true. This thought probably just recently hit her and now she is trying to process it. Perhaps this is some sort of subconscious test for her, to see if she can ruin the situation and thus if she can, it "fails" her test like this.

 

At any rate, I believe she is being honest with you about what she says in her desire for time away to figure this out. And I agree with her given the assumptions about her past and unfamiliarity with this situation.

 

So what can you do here? Nothing. This isn't your problem. You're doing your part here and she needs to get over herself herself. If she can't get over herself, maybe she isn't at the stage of her life or emotional development where she appreciates and finds attraction towards such a situation, in that case, it is better to find out sooner, before further emotional attachment, than getting wrapped up and stuck in an emotionally draining and painful situation for both of you.

 

So in your mind, try to let go of this but remain in the situation at your discretion. Be there, keep doing what you're doing, realize what is likely going through her mind, realize you can't control this situation, and the best way to "help" her is to respect her space and don't get too attached to the outcome of this. I think the worst thing you can do in a situation like this is chase after her, shower her with attachment which will confuse her more and feed the dysfunction here.

 

And the best way to do this is not to "play" some game here, put on an act, or otherwise strategize your "moves" here. Simply (easier said than done I know), re-focus your attention to your own life, what you have going for you, your interests, realize this situation is not the be-all-end-all of your relationship history (even though it may seem like it right now), and this is one part of your life that is still in its infancy in terms of intimate attachment. You have an idea right now that this might turn into something wonderful, something lasting, something amazing, but it hasn't yet and if it doesn't, it isn't the end of the world. Your life will go on just as it did before and likely do so better knowing the possibility for such a connection with a woman exists and you know what it feels like now.

 

So when you at the core gain this perspective, I believe the right "moves" regarding your role in this situation will follow naturally.

 

You obviously know how to treat a woman and if this one woman out of the many, many more you will meet does not or feels she cannot accept this potentially wonderful situation, that is her problem and one best left to her. You have a solid basis for developing more amazing connections in the future whether it be with this woman or with another. Remember that and believe it because it is true and the belief in such will help you keep this one situation in perspective and be able to maintain some healthy distance in light of these events.

 

This isn't to say this situation is without hope by any means. I have seen and lived where she took some time, reached some sense with everything, and was able to overcome her mental and emotional block with this. Other times, she flakes, and the relationship becomes an on-again-off-again roller coaster ride as she cycles through her moods of fear, then acceptance, etc.

 

That's why I think it best you stick around, try to understand where she is right now, roll with it, but not get too attached to it. I think you should strive to reach an emotional and mental place where you are open to taking things further with her but not dependent on it. Someone has to keep a level head here and it might as well be you. In order to do that you need to let go of the attachment to making this work "at all costs" even in light of an amazing connection.

[samross]

Maybe things have gone a little too fast. I would back off and try to let her know you're there. I've had several situations like this and usually it is because one or both of us moved to fast. You could be the one for her and vice versa so give it time.

[martial]

Thank you very much.....In giving her the space she wants. Does that translate into NC? Not calling, Texting etc?

[lady00]

Thank you very much.....In giving her the space she wants. Does that translate into NC? Not calling, Texting etc?

 

I think so. Honestly, in my experience when someone says stuff like that, they are just not into you. I have been in situations where the guy seems so into me really quickly and everything seems to be going great and then he starts to get "confused" then I press him on it and he tells me the truth...he is just not that into me. I have no idea why people would flip-flop quickly like that but it happens. I don't really believe in the whole fear of committment thing or anything like that. I have found that guys who are afraid of moving forward with me just weren't that into me.

[lvlyldy]

Im in EXACTLY the same situation with a guy... we met and it was instantly an amazing connection. We've been dating for about a month, and over the course of actually one day went from you are amazing to I have doubts and I cant see you anymore. I know he had a very bad relationship in the past and I was the first girl he's dated (even though it has been a year since they broke up). I gave him a few days of space, and on monday imed him. We actually had lunch today, and though its a little akward, Im trying to stay his friend. I showed him that I still care and want him in my life and now Im leaving him to figure things out. If he wants to see me, im going to leave him to ask me out or talk to me so he doenst get confused or feel pushed. His best friend told me he still likes me and doesnt understand why he broke up with me, but just felt he had doubts. Hopefully he'll come to terms with whatever is bothering him, and if not I will remain as good of a friend as I can be because I think he's worth it.

[martial]

So I spoke with her tonight and she said that she did not want to get into something serious and that I do........given that vibe it has since scared her off. She says there was definatly something there and that she does like me a lot but right now is not looking for a serious exclusive realtionship. I am not sure i gave off those vibes as I was responding to what she has put out but regardless it seems like she does not want to do anything more than be friends? How should I proceed when I know there is something there and maybe she is too scared to take the chance......I do not just want to drop this but I feel like there is no hope for it......

 

Again all of you great insight and advice is appreciated!!

[Mavis VDSande]

If that's what she's said then I'm afriad that's exactly what she means. There's not much more insight to be had unfortunately. Except I think it's great that she's been so honest with you. So many guys I've dated just disappeared off the face of the earth, leaving me thinking it was something I did.

 

As Fris mentioned - it could be some previous rels she had that is making her nervous right now, it could be something else. But it's nothing on your part. So remain friends, always stay positive and if you do spend time, make it fun and quality, rather than trying to ask her again what she's thinking or if she wants to give things a go.

 

Whatever you're feeling now, she's feeling "pressure" - it may be coming from herself, not necessarily you. The best thing is to let her take the time she needs, but keep your eyes open for any great opportunity that may come by!

 

Sometimes our "timetables" aren't always in sync, this may be the case - I read about "timetables" off another thread!

 

Hugs

[friscodj]

So I spoke with her tonight and she said that she did not want to get into something serious and that I do........given that vibe it has since scared her off. She says there was definatly something there and that she does like me a lot but right now is not looking for a serious exclusive realtionship. I am not sure i gave off those vibes as I was responding to what she has put out but regardless it seems like she does not want to do anything more than be friends? How should I proceed when I know there is something there and maybe she is too scared to take the chance......I do not just want to drop this but I feel like there is no hope for it......

 

Again all of you great insight and advice is appreciated!!

 

Hey martial-

 

First of all, you did not scare her off. I see this a lot, where things like this get turned into an emotional and psychological tight rope walk, where your actions become motivated by staying around under the premise of coddling her issues in trying desperately to not "scare her off". In doing and saying the "right" things, you think she will eventually "come around", want to be with you, fall in love, and that you will find the fulfillment you seek from such a situation.

 

Those illusions are normal man. I have no idea why our hearts and minds work that way but they do. I've embarked on several such missions and for me, no one could tell me otherwise. I had to learn such truths for myself and no one can fault you for embarking on your own journey of self-discovery with this.

 

With that said, if she were interested and/or capable of reciprocation, she would have welcomed this "vibe". She told you directly she does not want a relationship right now. You told us directly that you do. I guarantee if you stick around, the tension and frustration will build and tear you apart inside. This is all the more apparent to me because it sounds like she neither has the emotional stature or sense to realize what this is doing or will do to you. And in light of this, she certainly doesn't want to lose a source of comfort and ego-boosting such as yourself nor will she understand or easily accept your departure from her life on the grounds you need to do so to heal. You can count on that...

 

At any rate, you don't want to drop it but you see no hope. If this were me, having lived what I've lived, I'd be gone like two days ago without hesitation. I think you should "live" this one a bit more. It will put your nuts through the wringer but I think the ultimate garnishment of permanent wisdom from such an experience will transcend the temporary pain and anguish.

 

So do whatever you feel you should do. Try a bunch of different things and learn a bunch of different lessons. The chances of a solid, balanced, and healthy relationship with her are very, very minute so you might as well learn from this and do so on deep levels by gaining firsthand experience. And then when you do want to drop this, you'll be able to really drop it and move on faster because of such a strong internal drive and belief in such after having exhausted all these avenues. You ultimately can't lose here.

[ExarionUniverse19]

First of all, awesome post, friscodj! Felt like you were talking to me too there -- I'm in a VERY similar situation, almost the exact same.

 

I really have nothing more to say about what you should do, since he summed it up so well, but I agree with him 100%.

 

My situation is exactly the same, with one difference -- she wasn't as clear with me about why she broke up -- she just said she didn't like me "that way" anymore. It happened rather quickly... and it seems likely that she does still like me, but is emotionally immature which is why she left me. But I'm trying not to care now, because it was only a 1 month relationship, and while I thought we did have a special connection, I'll get over it.

 

But there's one more thing -- we're going to be in the same extracurricular activity at school for the next 2 years, which means there's no avoiding spending a lot of time together -- this extracurricular demands a lot of work and I'm going to be captain. So I suppose there's hope, but I probably shouldn't worry about it. By next year, I'll be over it and so if it happens, it happens and if not, I won't even notice.