Major Setback Today

[GoSox07]

For those that don't know my story, my ex girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago due to her "needing space, wanting to find herself blah, blah, blah). For 2 years, we had a long distance relationship (which was great - we were very much in love), and she moved to my city (from her college town 1000 miles away) after graduation. She had a tough time finding a "real" job and making new friends, since she was working nights at a restaurant while I was working days.

 

She went into a mild depression and became very lonely. One night she was having doubts about our relationship and confessed that she was thinking about moving back to her college town (where all her friends still reside). I was obviously crushed, and made all the mistakes that everybody here made - begging, pleading, guilt-tripping and the like. After discovering this site, I realized that I needed to back off, and went NC for the last two weeks she was in town. When she finally left, I conceded to say goodbye. We both cried (a lot) and she said that she needs to be on her own right now, but she has never respected nor loved (note that past tense!) anybody as much as me.

 

She said that she had no interest in anybody else, and in subsequent emails she said that it was so hard to go out with her friends and have guys talk to her when she has no interest in any of them. Since she was very honest with me during the entire breakup process, I believed her. I suppose that I still held out hope that in a few months, she would call me and said that she made a mistake and left because she was lost without her friends and being in a foreign city. I work for an airline and have free travel benefits (for both of us) so it would be conceivable to resume a LDR.

 

Well, I may have been played for a fool. I'm friends with the brother of one of her best friends (that's how we met) who casually mentioned that "sounds like XXXXX has been partying like a rock star. So much for getting her life together." Which, of course, perked my interest to say the least. I could tell that my friend wished he did not say anything, but I pressed for more details. I asked if she had been "hooking up" and he asked if I really wanted to know (which pretty much says everything right there). I knew I shouldn't have asked, but I couldn't help it. Well, she has been hooking up and partying like a rock star. I feel so devastated right now. I have not been able to bring myself to hit on anyone else yet, and here she is becoming the village bicycle - this is NOT the same girl that I fell in love with. Eventually she will call or email again, and I want to tell her "thanks for lying - really appreciate it!" but I know I cannot do this. I'll take the high road and ignore her contactm, but inside I'm dying. I was doing so well up to this point - working out, eating better, attempting to quit smoking, FEELING better, but now I have been set back considerably. I guess this should serve as closure, but I feel terrible.

 

If anyone has any thoughts or similar experiences, I'd appreciate some advice.

 

Thanks

[sunday13]

An ex of mine played me real well! We did long distance, but little did I know till later after our breakup, he would fly into town and hook up with my roommate. I was devestated at first, but it was the push I needed to get over him and move on. It's been 4 years and he still tries to get me back but his chances have all run out! So yeah, it hurts right now and you feel betrayed, used, lied to ... but do you really want someone like that in your life anyway? This could be the beginning of freedom for you

[terk2021]

It sounds like she does not know who she is, or what she wants. It's tough to want to be with someone in that situation. I do have some good news for you though. You know what you want. What I mean by that is you want to be with someone, and in a relationship. What she is going through really has nothing to do with you personally.

 

I went through 2 very bad breakups over the past few years. Both were the result of both women not knowing what they wanted at the time. My best advice for you is to leave it alone for now and not have contact with her. It's best not to know what she is doing. I am experiencing that right now with my ex (relationship ended about 8 months ago). She is traveling, getting serious into work, and dating multiple people and neglecting her daughter. I blamed myself for the longest time that it was something I did that made the relationship end. We were 3 weeks away from a wedding. The reality is, she does not know who she is or what she wants.

 

Trust me, you really do not want to be with someone like that. I have made that mistake twice in the past 3-4 years. Both relationships ended. I eventually ended them myself. I pushed to get them back, and thought I made a big mistake by ending them, but I know that if and when I get into another serious relationship, I am going to make sure that she knows what she wants in life.

 

She may be the one for you. It's just that it's not right now. Anything you do now could just completely close the door on any future with her. She has to go through this stage of life on her own. I know it's very hard. She may realize the mistakes she is making now in her life, and want to come back to you some day. It could be in weeks, months, or a year or 2 from now. It's best to move on that she is not coming back. If she does, than you need to make sure that she is ready for what you are ready for.

 

I wish you the best. I have been there. Please remember, this is something she has to deal with on her own.

[GoSox07]

It sounds like she does not know who she is, or what she wants.

 

I think that you hit the nail on the head. I'm so confused because these actions aren't her. I guess when you factor in the age difference (she's 23, I just turned 27) we are different stages in our lives. The thing is, age or maturity has never been an issue before (I like to think that I can still party with the best of 'em )

 

Again, I have no business to care - we are broken up. It just seems that for someone who has come so far in her maturity while we were dating (I'm talking really, really far) it pains me to see her regress back to a 19-year-old. I wouldn't have a problem if she begain dating someone the old-fashioned way, but c'mon - one nighters with frat guys???

 

Ok, vent is over. Thanks guys!

[terk2021]

I have been there. Don't think it's just because she is 23. I am 35, and believe me, it does not always get better. People go through stages in life. I have learned from my past 2 relationships that it has to do with where people are at in life. I was so full of myself, and my career until I was 30. Anytime a relationship got too close, work was more important.

 

If there is one thing I have learned, when I go into my next relationship, there is going to be a lot of discussion about where we are at in life, what our individual goals are, and where we want to be in time. As far as the 1 nighters with frat guys? That's just a girl who is really unhappy with herself. She will wake up some day and have some regrets. It's all part of growing up.

 

Believe me though, there are women in there 20s and 30s that go through that. It's some kind of power trip to think they can have anything they want.

It's a sign of emotional immaturity, or a really messed up passed...

 

I think in your words above, you know you are better off.

 

Good luck my friend.

 

Terk

[GoSox07]

Terk - thanks for the advice - you know your sh*t! (and I really appreciate it)

 

I've actually had a wonderful Friday night. I went out with some friends, still a bit down from the events of earlier in the day. The funny thing is, I actually met a girl tonight! I'm not sure where it will lead, and frankly, I don't really care. The important thing is that I've gotten my confidence back. Being a bit tipsy, I made a rudimentary attempt to hook up, but she said "let's get together later in the week - definitely call me". Wow, a girl with self-respect! I love it. In fact, this is honestly the first time in about 2 months that I would consider myself happy. I'm actually smiling right now! I know it probably won't last, but it's a nice, temporary respite from misery to be sure. Thanks guys!