how long does it take to fall out of love?

[bear12]

my ex and i were together for a year and a half, have been broken up for 3 months (he broke up with me), and have NC for three weeks now. and, you know, i've been doing everything i'm supposed to doing in the meantime.. staying busy with school, working out, picking up new hobbies, spending time with friends- i've even been on a couple of dates.. but the thing is, i'm still just as in love with him as the day we broke up... it's not just that i love him- i mean, i'm sure i'll always love him in some capacity- it's that i'm still in love with him in that i'd die for him, no one makes me happier, i want to spend the rest of my life with him sort of way. i obviously try not to ruminate on this, but it's always there. how long is it going to take? not to be completely over him- i know that could take many months/years, but to at least fall out of love with him? i've been dumped before, but it's never been this hard. it's killing me...

[spunkmaster]

I believe that if you truly love a person, you never fall out of love with them. The type of love you feel for them changes into something a little less...sharp. Like you'll get to the point where you realize that you want what's best for them, and for them to be happy--even if that means it's not with you.

 

Generally, there is no time frame. That's how it was for me...it was actually quite sudden. I just woke up one day and realized that something had finally changed or shifted or something, and that pang when I thought about him wasn't there anymore. It probably took about 6 months for me to get to that point.

 

It really just depends on you I guess.

 

Sorry for rambling! Hope that made some sense...

[Suesser Tod]

Of course you can fall out of love with someone. There is a thin line between love and hate...

 

 

And there is no timer for people to cross that line, it all depends on the dynamics of the relationship.

 

 

But this situation is entirely different, being the dumpee... It will take time, no one can tell how much, but basically it will happen when you stop longing for the good times, and acknowledge both the good and the bad, so you can see him as a person and not that unreachable being that dumped you.

 

I bet no one can say that after a relationship they don't care for the ex, unless you are some sort of lunatic, every human being creates a bond with other persons, specially a person you spent part of your life with. So you will always remember them, you will always care, to a certain extent, for them.

[mikeca]

Hmm thats the golden question; some say you dont really start till half of however long the relationship lasted, others proclaim you kinda have to find someone new before it officially becomes nill, but like they say time heals all wounds and as long as you dont go stirring up the pot with the ex you'll be fine.

[Karhu]

It depends on a lot of factors, like if you were the dumper or one being dumped. And also realizing it’s for the best helps a lot.

 

As spunkmaster said, they’ll always be deer to your heart, it’ll just change, become less painful, then you need to stop thinking about them, when you’re totally over someone then it makes it easier to get into the next relationship

 

 

For me it took about 2 years to fully get over a 4.5 year relationship and to stop thinking about her. Finding someone much better does also help stop yourself from glorifying the past and accept it was for the best.

 

i'd second that comment about stirring up the pot with the ex, any further interaction however temporarily comforting it may be will inevitably slow the healing process.

[bear12]

thanks for the imput, everyone. i guess i'm just feeling really frustrated b/c all my friends/family keeps telling me to live by the "it'll get easier every day" and the "time heals all wounds" mantras and it's just not true. i honestly don't feel like i miss him less/am hurting any less now than i was a month ago.. i just don't feel like i can keep going on like this and i don't know if it's b/c i'm somehow subconsciously still holding on- if it is really going to take another person to forget about him, or if i just haven't let enough time pass or what.

 

this is kind of a pointless question, i know you can't give me any definite answer, i guess i'm just really fishing for some comiseration and support!

[terk2021]

thanks for the imput, everyone. i guess i'm just feeling really frustrated b/c all my friends/family keeps telling me to live by the "it'll get easier every day" and the "time heals all wounds" mantras and it's just not true. i honestly don't feel like i miss him less/am hurting any less now than i was a month ago.. i just don't feel like i can keep going on like this and i don't know if it's b/c i'm somehow subconsciously still holding on- if it is really going to take another person to forget about him, or if i just haven't let enough time pass or what.

 

this is kind of a pointless question, i know you can't give me any definite answer, i guess i'm just really fishing for some comiseration and support!

 

There is a lot of truth to what you have to say above. I am going through a very similar situation, and its been 8 months. The more I find out about her from her friends (or ex friends I should say) and hear, the more I know that I am better off without her. It does not get easier for a long time, especially if you truly loved someone to that depth. I am not sure how far your relationship progressed. For me, I was 3 weeks away from walking down the isle with this person. It gets tiring to hear how much better off I am without her, but to know someone could treat me like that, and I still loved her and wanted her back??? It's crazy. I lost my self esteem and myself in general. I pushed so hard to get her back in my life, that I found myself chasing. Why would I want to be with someone so bad that simply does not want to love me back as much as I did her.

 

The truth is, it's a rollercoaster ride. You will have good days and bad. You will wonder "what if", "why", "how" could they change after how incredible things were. You probably will have these feelings for a long time. You are human, not a robot. Some people out there are just not capable of feeling the level of love, or they have been so hurt, or had such a troubled past, that when things get to that point in a relationship, they turn tail and run.

 

I have heard so much more about my ex that I know in time I will truly count my blessings that she does not have the privilege of having someone in her life that loves her as much as I did. We all heal in different ways. It takes me a very long time to heal if I put so much into a relationship and watch it fall apart in front of my eyes.

 

When your heart has more control over you then your head, it's difficult to even think things will get better. You just have to remember that you deserve better. The 1st thing you have to do is remember who you were before you met this person. There is someone out there that will give you the love that you deserve. You just have to trust that someday it will happen. It may be a while, but in the mean time, try and do what you can to enjoy life.

 

If that means that you need to spend some alone time and really reflect on what went wrong, then do it. I am sorry to hear what you are going through.

The great thing about this website is that we all have fairly similar stories. The advice given out here is based on experiences on things that we have all gone through. There is no simple formula that makes things better. I have read many posts with similar advice, and advice completely opposite. The good news is that most out here are really trying to help by explaining experiences of what they have been through, and what helped them get through it.

 

I wish you the best, and someday, you can look back and see what a growing experience you went through, and can come back here and write to people and share your experiences on how you got through it.

[mr_echo]

A thin line between love and hate? I'm sorry but this statement is such a cliche and quite incorrect. People who believe this sort of thing often have shallow emotions to begin with. Hate is more related to envy and uncontrollable desires. Just my 2 cents...

[bear12]

i agree. in fact, i think it would be so much easier to move on if i actually could hate him- or if he had done something really horrible to bring on the break up (cheating, absuse, etc...) but instead, deep down i feel like he's a really great person who- even though he obviously broke my heart- truly does want the best for me in life...

 

it's funny, right before we started NC we got in a fight and he said some really inflamatory things on the phone.. the next couple of days were a lot easier for me b/c i wrote him off as a huge jerk.. but then two days later he sent this really lovely apology email saying how he regretted what he had said and only did b/c this is really hard for him too etc, etc, that he's going to respect my need for space and hoped someday down the line we could be friends again (we haven't been in contact since then- about three weeks ago). i wish he had never sent that. it just made me miss him/want him back more...

 

ugh, okay, off to take a test (yes, sat. morning tests are awesome.. )

[Suesser Tod]

A thin line between love and hate? I'm sorry but this statement is such a cliche and quite incorrect. People who believe this sort of thing often have shallow emotions to begin with. Hate is more related to envy and uncontrollable desires. Just my 2 cents...

 

 

LOL!

 

When heavy and deep emotions are involved, it is quite easy to change the focus on those emotions. Simple fact, someone you are truly inlove with can hurt you beyond anything capable by someone you don't have feelings for.

 

I see love, I can see pasion

I feel danger, I feel obsession

Don't play games with the ones who love you

Cause I hear a voice who says:

I love you... I'll kill you...

[mr_echo]

LOL!

 

When heavy and deep emotions are involved, it is quite easy to change the focus on those emotions. Simple fact, someone you are truly inlove with can hurt you beyond anything capable by someone you don't have feelings for.

 

Suesser Tod, I do agree with this. Yet I'm not sure that being hurt by someone you truly love necessarily equates with hate. Sometimes people fall in love with an image they project onto their partners and when the partner doesn't resonate with that image, the projection can turn into hate. In my case, I've been terribly hurt but I certainly don't hate the person who has hurt me. She has no idea that she has hurt me for one thing.