Wife pushing me to another woman

[GoodManWasted]

And you were sticking around just for the sex..???? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but she can be miserable all she wants. What YOU do is completely up to you. If you'll be so happy when you're done with her, then seriousy, get started on those divorce papers. After all the bad things you've said about her, I'm surprised you're even bothering to try to work things out with her.

 

not directly picking on you, but no wonder we have so many broken families and screwed up children in this world and lonely "old" people without partners, esp. woman who have a very high rate of living alone and who very likely have a harder time getting married >45 after a divorce. We make these vows to our partners, "till death due us part", and I know they are tongue in cheek to some degree, but when I got married, I got married, my wife and I are compatable to at least decent degree, I can tolerate her deficiencies if she can tolerate mine, I have been faithful to her and I think she to me.

 

I am not just "sticking around" for sex, although if I had no sex whatsoever then I might not be so high and mighty right now and would probably stray eventually. But I do believe in marriage and this marriage is more than "just me". I/We have brought children in this world and they are not yet completely raised, my own father put up with endless nonsense and abuse from my mother, and yet he was faithful and stayed with my mother, Thanks Dad!!, I appreciate it and myself and my siblings are better people for it and have lived better lives because of it. Thanks for not just thinking of yourself and your own needs but you realized that when the Whole means more than the Parts sometimes someone has to suffer.

 

Of course there is more to this than my own trying to do the right thing, with divorce there is going to be obvious financial pain, financial insecurity, the fear of all the endless legal proceedings i would have to look forward to for Years and Years, the very likely hatred of my wife that will build and grow so she can justify her decision, I don't want any of that.

 

One of my children is at a nice private school and I remember asking her, how many of your dormmates are divorced, very very few. Children of Divorce don't get the opportunity to go to schools like that because all the $$$ was drained away by selfish nonsense and likely many/more(of course not all) of the kids become unfocused and drift enough that they aren't up to such a school. So there are many factors here, more than I think what might??? (big might, don't more second marriages end in divorce than 1st???) make me happy. Like my divorce attorney said, you only get one life to live, do what you can to be happy, of course he is on his 3rd marriage, hey, I may in the same shoes someday, but not today.

[Kalika]

Good -

Your logic doesn't make any sense to me, honestly. You have absolutely nothing decent to say about your wife, except that "she has the ability to give me a pretty good tumble when she wants to" ... and you sit there and bash divorce like crazy, yet you've managed to justify infidelity to yourself.

 

If you made vows, you promised to be faithful. So if you're not going to honor your vows of fidelity, than you may as well get divorced too.

 

So according to your post above, you're going to stay for financial reasons, among others. Which isn't entirely wrong, but do you honestly think your kids don't notice that your marriage is as cold as an arctic winter? I've heard many kids say that their parents divorcing is the best thing that ever happened to them, because they no longer had to deal with parents that were always angry, emotionally exhausted, having affairs, etc.

[isisastaria]

Good one. Short and sweet

[lostinwilderness]

I find it hard to understand how you can use your marriage vows to justify infidelity. You have a lot of anger and resentment. Maybe it is all justified, but it seems like a harmful environment for you, your wife, and your kids. Would you really want your kids to stay in a relationship devoid of happiness, love and trust because it made sense 20 years ago? You are certainly sending them that message, as your father sent you.

 

You sound like you have no more desire to work on your marriage and are now just looking for ways to sabatage it. No matter how bad the marriage is you loose any appearance of moral high ground if you start an affair (or even continue your baby steps). Regardless of the past you will seem 100% the agressor in the eyes of the law, your wife, and your kids.

 

If you truly believe in commitment then you need to take the hard road and COMMIT to working on your marriage. If you are just out to destroy the marriage then you have much more to gain by ending it as peacefully as possible. Cheating will only cost you more pain and money. More importantly (to me anyway) it would cost you your children's respect.

[doyathink]

KIDS and responsibility, plus she has the "ability" to give me a pretty good tumble when she wants to. Oh, she just came down the stairs, nasty and mean already to start my day. I'm a GoodManWasted

 

Hahahaa...umm..

I know this is no laughing matter....but this statement gave me a good chuckle....lol

[GoodManWasted]

I find it hard to understand how you can use your marriage vows to justify infidelity. You have a lot of anger and resentment.

 

no, i don't think i'm trying to justify infidelity, i was trying to discuss/ask whether anyone thought this could have been a tactic my wife was using, and NO, I am not angry whatsoever, that is not my nature, I'm almost never angry, disatisfied yes!

 

You sound like you have no more desire to work on your marriage ....If you truly believe in commitment then you need to take the hard road and COMMIT to working on your marriage.

 

seriously, there is very little i can do to "work" on this marriage, I am faced with insanity and hostility just about every day. I just don't know what to do, and this has been going on for years. Some people are unhappy in this world and their objective is to try to bring the people around them down with them. I do feel Committed to sticking out this insanity for many reasons as i pointed out above.

 

If you are just out to destroy the marriage then you have much more to gain by ending it as peacefully as possible. Cheating will only cost you more pain and money. More importantly (to me anyway) it would cost you your children's respect.

 

excellent advice, thanks!

 

And...I'm glad Doyathink(great name by the way) got a chuckle out of my situation, because I laugh all the time about it. Life is very ironic.

[Dako]

GMW, I'll be quite blunt here, but my intentions are sincere.

 

You seem to equate divorce with failure, so a bad marriage is a success.

Orwellian logic, at least to me.

 

I'm divorced, and my ex and I marvel at what a happy marriage we had, and remain friends to this day. I'd rather look back on a happy marriage than years of misery endured to prove a point about virtue.

 

I suspect you've grown comfy with money, a nice home and family, and are simply afraid. You also feel a flush of pride in not divorcing and joining us immoral wreckage along the marital roadside.

 

You have some heavy changes to make.

[Kalika]

GMW, I'll be quite blunt here, but my intentions are sincere.

 

You seem to equate divorce with failure, so a bad marriage is a success.

Orwellian logic, at least to me.

 

I'm divorced, and my ex and I marvel at what a happy marriage we had, and remain friends to this day. I'd rather look back on a happy marriage than years of misery endured to prove a point about virtue.

 

I suspect you've grown comfy with money, a nice home and family, and are simply afraid. You also feel a flush of pride in not divorcing and joining us immoral wreckage along the marital roadside.

 

You have some heavy changes to make.

 

Dako made some excellent points.

[lostinwilderness]

seriously, there is very little i can do to "work" on this marriage, I am faced with insanity and hostility just about every day. I just don't know what to do, and this has been going on for years. Some people are unhappy in this world and their objective is to try to bring the people around them down with them. I do feel Committed to sticking out this insanity for many reasons as i pointed out above.

 

I am very sorry that you feel this way. It must be very hard to feel a need to stay in a relationship, that you feel has no hope of improving. I think that if it was me that I would not find your reasons enough to stay in a marriage once I lost all hope ending the insanity. Of course I am not you, and I respect your values.

 

If you do feel that you need to stay in this marriage, then I hope that you can find ways to work with your wife to make it better. Even if you cannot make it perfect again, maybe you can at least find compromises to minimize how much you are brought down. Your chidren can certainly sense these issues, and you seem like the type of person that does not want to allow them to be brought down too.

 

I am a firm believer that any situation can be improved. Unfortunately the better path is not always easy or obvious. I hope that you find your better path and that you have the stregnth to walk it.