Taking it slow, but not saying no.....

[Owellmellie]

Okay this guy I have been "taking it slow with", tells me that "he isn't looking for anything right now, but he never told me no", he said it exactly like that. We fooled around alittle bit, so now I am confused, what does he want from me? I am nothing but sweet to him, and mean in a playful way. All I want to do is get to know him and not by hanging out with everyone, but on a dat by ourselves what is this guys problem, what is his deal. He talks about the fact that he has, "Put walls up" or something since is last relationship, and not wanting Drama, what do I do?, I.e. Taking it slow,but what does he mean, not wanting anything right now, but not telling me no? Is that right of him?

What does he mean?

Melissa

[carbon]

Assuming he is being honest, I think he has been hurt in the past and is proceeding with caution now. While he can be physically intimate, he is still guarding his emotions, hence "putting up walls." So even though he is interested in you, it will take some time before he can commit himself emotionally in a relationship.

 

I think the best thing for you to do is to give him the time he needs. Open up to him (as much as you comfortably can without expecting anything in return) so that you can gain his trust. I realize it is not fair that you have to earn his trust because he is healing from pain someone else caused him, but you be the judge as to whether this guy is worth your efforts.

[jh1581]

Hi Owellmellie,

 

My current bf was the same way with me when we started dating. He told me that he wasn't looking for anything right now, but that he really liked me a lot, but wanted to take things slow, etc etc. I made the choice to keep talking to him, but it's been confusing at times because even though we're official now, I STILL sometimes wonder where he wants this to go and what he wants from me. Be careful with your heart and look out for yourself. If you feel in your heart that you want to get to know this guy, do it without any expectations, just as carbon said. There were several times at the beginning of my relationship where I was hurt because of the confusion--we were intimate, I had began to REALLY like him, yet he was still telling me he wasn't looking for anything, which made me feel like I had feelings for someone who wouldn't let themselves have them for me.

 

Feel free to PM me if you need to. I've been exactly where you are!

 

((HUGS))

[shes2smart]

Whenever I see single gals asking about guys who say things like "I'm not looking for anything right now" or who tell you how hurt/damaged they are because of a previous relationship, my gut feeling is to tell you to walk away and don't look back.

 

Let him sort out his baggage on his own time, NOT yours. Trying to figure out what he "really" means or what he "really" wants is too often an exercise in futility. Better you should spend your time pondering what YOU'RE looking for so have a clear idea of what you want (casual dating? exclusive bf/gf? something leading toward marriage?). This can help you evaluate potential suitors to see if they have compatible relationship goals to your own. If you get involved with someone who doesn't want to go the same way you do, it's just a matter of time before you're gonna get your heart broken. If you get involved with someone who claims he "doesn't know" what he wants, you essentially hand your power over to him -- he gets to call the shots of where the relationship is going...and it may not be somewhere you want to go.

 

Be wary of guys who say they "don't know" what they want or "aren't looking for anything." 'Cause chances are they won't have any qualms about taking up your time while they try to figure it out...time that you could be using to meet someone who knows what he wants and knows he wants to be with you.

 

I'm not real sure when my attitude changed...probably sometime in my late 30's...but at that point, it seems I decided I deserved a better answer than "I don't know what I want" and I deserved to be treated better than "I'm not looking for anything right now."

 

You do, too.

[Owellmellie]

How did you two end up making it official what happened?

Melissa

[Batya33]

It means that he doesn't want a relationship with you right now, that he doesn't want to feel guilty/be blamed if you stick around for months/years and he still feels the same (because he can say "but I told you from the beginning . . . .!") and if it were me I would say "I am fine with taking things slow, but not fine with the fact that you don't see potential for a relationship right now and don't want to work towards seeing if we should be in a relationship - if you change your mind, you can call me and if I am still interested and available I will consider it. Please do not contact me otherwise."

 

It is perfectly consistent to say "my goal is to be in a relationship with you but I would like to take things slowly." As far as his past "baggage" - most of us have baggage after age 22 but when we meet someone we are truly interested in, and if we are otherwise available for a relationship, we don't tell that person what he told you for fear that that person will do what I suggested above and say "ok, see ya - going to move on now but call me if you change your mind - and risk that I am not available."

[Owellmellie]

I see what your saying and I did say that and told him that, "it seemed we were bumping heads and I was looking for something and he wasn't, so maybe we should just be friends..." he got weird and changed the subject so every out I give him he dosn't take....

* * *?!?!?!?!

Melissa

[shes2smart]

Could be that he's not accustomed to dealing in very blunt and direct ways in this particular area.

 

That's not uncommon for people when it comes to the boy-girl stuff. There's sort of a taboo about being direct and blunt about attraction/interest and so forth. I think it takes time and experience to get to a place where you're comfortable and confident enough in yourself to be open, honest and direct when dealing with the opposite sex.

 

In any event, if he's interested he knows how to find you. In order to avoid bashing your head against a brick wall, you may want to consider dropping it and setting your sight elsewhere.

[Batya33]

I see what your saying and I did say that and told him that, "it seemed we were bumping heads and I was looking for something and he wasn't, so maybe we should just be friends..." he got weird and changed the subject so every out I give him he dosn't take....

* * *?!?!?!?!

Melissa

 

Sorry if you interpreted it to mean that you should give him an out. You should give you an out. You should tell him you are out unless he changes his mind - and that includes out as far as a friendship too - he needs to see what life is like without you and to miss you.

[Owellmellie]

Sorry if you interpreted it to mean that you should give him an out. You should give you an out. You should tell him you are out unless he changes his mind - and that includes out as far as a friendship too - he needs to see what life is like without you and to miss you.

 

I am now ignoring him, I don't care to have anymore confrontations with him were he seems to be doing nothing but stringing me along for whatever trip he is on.

 

He isn't getting the same attention from me no more play fighting no more flirting. NADA......

 

Anyway thanx!

 

Melissa

[TheFoglifter]

I agree that it can also be code for "I want to keep fooling around with you, but I don't want all the crap that comes with being your boyfriend". This is a common phrase used by both genders.