She has a b/f and some other stuff...PLZ HELP!!!

[Ray18321]

Okay, I'm pretty sure she has a b/f, but theres more...

 

I think I'm falling in love with her. We have lots of similiarities and interesting differences but there seems to be an awkward tension (Maybe its just me that feels it). It's probably it's just my or maybe it's because we like each other (I'm not sure if she likes me as a friend or what) .

 

I haven't known her that long (About a month), but I know things about her from her website and when I read her personal essay. Recently, her friend died and she usually seems to be depressed about life and school and stuff. And I'm depressed I haven't told her how I felt cause she's already involved...I'm REALLY shy around herbut I'm pretty sure she doesn't know I like her more than as a friend.

 

I don't know if it matters, but we have only talked online and we usually hang out at college.

 

So my questions are... What should I do? Go on being friends until she breaks up with her b/f? What if she never breaks up with him and I still like her? How can I break the ice a little bit?

 

PLEASE HELP

[HippoXNinja]

Wassup Ray. Man, I can't count how many times I've been in that situation. Practically ever girl I've ever liked already had a boyfriend. I've found that its an extremely dangerous position to be if you're falling in love with her. All I suggest is to definitely tell her how you feel. Whether it be a letter, a phone call, or in person don't keep it in. If it seems that she's really serious with her b/f and you have very strong feelings for her, run!! Find some other girl, forget about her do whatever you can to unlike her. There's nothing worst than to fall in love with someone that can't love you back. Its too painful. On the other hand if it seems like there can be a postive future between you two, even as just friends then go for it.

[bexcelant]

Look man..nobody ever got anywhere by doing nothing. You gotta go for it..maybe you'll get slammed dunked or maybe you'll get the girl of your dream...either way..you'll have resolution. Both outcomes are good. Ya gotta do is press in. Don't stop until that door closes. If the door slams in your face...then remember..there is someone out there that is better for you.

[Ray18321]

Look man..nobody ever got anywhere by doing nothing. You gotta go for it..maybe you'll get slammed dunked or maybe you'll get the girl of your dream...either way..you'll have resolution. Both outcomes are good. Ya gotta do is press in. Don't stop until that door closes. If the door slams in your face...then remember..there is someone out there that is better for you.

 

You want me to tell her how I feel? What if she's meant to be with her current b/f, I could screw things up with them and ruin all 3 of our lives at once. Are you guys sure I should tell her?

 

If so, how should I tell her? I couldn't just walk up to her and tell her this or just say "Hey I l love you!" or something. Is there anyway to tell her smoothly? What do you guys think would be the BEST time (online chat, e-mail, in person)?

 

Thanks in advance.

[bexcelant]

Man do you need some help in putting this into perspective. If ya tell her that you think of her as more than a friend and have always wanted to be with her you will go far my man. Women like men who know what they want. Also..keep this in mind...do you care if the other guy gets hurt? Remember...if she marries the other guy where do you see yourself in the picture? Anywhere? Still friends?

 

Noooooooo...you're out buddy..100%. See...what people fail to see is that if you remain friends...at the end of the day when she or he marries someone else....their opposite sex friends basically fall off the map. So my friend...if you don't do anything you are gonna lose her anyways...it's just a matter of when..could be a month, could be a year, could be 5 years..but she's gonna be gone and you're gonna get an invite to her wedding and you'll be there thinking..damn..I wish I had made a move.

[Ray18321]

Okay, so I should tell her than, but how? And when? I'm really shy and I'm always nervous around her. I couldn't even imagine telling her. If I tell her person-to-person, It'd be awkward . If I tell her online, it may be easier but a lot less emotions traveling back and forth.

 

I know I over-analyze and over-think things, but this is an important issue that could turn out painful.

 

One more thing, what if me and her start to date and she breaks up with her b/f...what if the b/f wants revenge or something?

 

Thanks for the replies guys. I just need help in these two last parts. Please reply.

[bexcelant]

Only known her a month? Look that's too fresh to be really close friends. Right now she's thinking of you as any other guy. You need to ramp up your flirting. Touch her on the arms and back. Watch her reaction and then just ask her out. Simple. Oh and practice before you do that cause you don't wanna come out all stammering and stuff.

[Ray18321]

Thanx for replying so much, I appreciate the help.

 

If I get close to her, I think her b/f will get pissed or she will feel weird. And I told you, I'm REALLY shy just talking to her, not mentioning touching her arm or back.

 

I may have only known her a month but i think about her everyday and I'm always depressed cause I miss her after I don't see her.

 

I guess I'll have to remain friends and see where it takes me and then see if I can tell her about my feelings in a few months. I dunno if I can survive that long w/o her, but I'll die trying.

[bexcelant]

Don't do that...don't even wait for a gap in their relationship. Start flirting now..but don't announce your intentions. Hold that back. Make sure she knows you like her. When she starts returning your attention...make your move and ask her out. If you sit there waiting the entire time you'll get nowhere. Just be a friend and talk to her ask her how she's doing. When she says her boyfriend is a putz..tell her stuff like oh that's terrible..I would never do anything like that. Get her thinking about you instead of him.

[johnnyt]

Someone told my girlfriend they liked her. She started seeing him a lot. Then she lied to be about seeing him. We broke up. He asked her out a few days after. He stole her from me. That was a month ago. I'm still hurting like hell from it. I never met this other guy...neither of them wanted me to. He didnt give a monkeys about how I felt, I was hoping he'd go to hell for it but now I think I've forgiven him...hell everyone makes mistakes etc...

 

Don't wanna sound too negative, but please just think of the other guy before you go stealing his girl.

[Ray18321]

Exactly, Johnnyt, that's what I don't wanna do. It's not right and I wouldn't want it to happen to me if I was with someone I really liked. I guess I'll have to wait even though that might keep me out of the chance to be with her, but its only fair. I just hope that her and her b/f break up . I'll get closer and closer to her so by the time she does break up, maybe I'll have a better chance .It'll give me a chance to get to know her and vise versa. I mean, I want her because I might be in love not just to go out with her. I'm not ganna do a dirty thing , such as stealing, just to go with her. It's not morally right. If she's happy, let her be happy.

 

Oh and bexcellant, thx for replying so much, I've heard you're view point, anyone wanna add something?

 

 

 

for anyone who cares:

Today I saw her b/f kissing her RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME (He acually gave her a quick peck on the lips) and it hurt like hell and I'm guessing she thinks of me a as her friend still, maybe best friend ...*sigh*...

[bexcelant]

Ok..here's the deal..you're a nice guy. So I'm gonna give you the nice guy approach. You tell her how you feel and tell her you'd like to date her if the opportunity ever arises. Next, you have to give her some space..give her a hug and maybe a kiss on the cheek and get outta there. After that...you have to act like nothing happened and let her bring it up next. If you can do that..then you will have at least gotten it out there and will feel better about it. Might not work to your advantage since she is dating another guy..but maybe..if you play your friend card right...someday she might come back around.

[Ray18321]

bexcelant - I want nothing more than to just to her, but you have to think about it from her point of view. She seems happy with her boyfriend and I don't wanna ruin it for her. If I were to tell her, it could really mess up her life and it would be the selfish thing to do. We are getting kind of close now but I still don't even have her phone number. We usually hang out at school most of the time cause we have like 4 out of 6 classes together. If I tell her now, I have no idea what her reaction could be, but I'm sure it'll make things awkward and we'd never talk very much, eventually fading out our friendship. I'd rather be the one with the pain of not being "b/f close" to her, but it's better than her having the pain to decide between her b/f and me. I'm sure she'd say something like "You're cool and all but I really like him and we've been together" or something like that.

 

When we first met, I was all making jokes and making her laugh, but now it sucks that now I'm all depressed around her and we talk a lot less. Oh well, that's the price of love...

[johnnyt]

you seem like you know what you're doing...and you're thinking about it which is good. better than the guy who fancied my gf.

 

maybe you could just tell her then leave her alone for a while, see what happens. maybe you'll be lucky! but on the other hand you might really confuse her, ...then she has to choose

 

here's a tip though - whatever happens don't rush to go out with her if she splits up with her bf, cos that would be stealing really! let things happen on their own. anyway if you really love her that much you could just hang around and wait...do you really think she's gonna be with her bf forever? nah, i bet she isn't.

 

i can kinda understand the position you're in... wish you the best of luck with everything!

[bexcelant]

Look eventually you are gonna have to tell her. Maybe on month of knowing her isn't enough. You are going to have to get a bit more time under your belt with her to allow her to gain more trust with you. But you are going to have to do it sooner or later or else you are gonna hate yourself for never taking your shot.

[ProphetSword]

Hey, I'm following what you're saying here, and I've been in the same situation you've been in a couple of times. I might be able to help you, as I sometimes fall into the *nice guy* category. So, now let me give you some harsh advice you won't like, but will help you:

 

* Stop being so nice.

 

Women like a guy who knows what they want and are not afraid to go after it. I'm not saying you should come on strong, but you should let her know how you feel. (Back me up, ladies). I can give you *two* examples from my life:

 

1) Had a friend a couple of years ago. I was falling for her hard. She'd been with a guy for a long time, but their relationship was in trouble. I took the plunge and told her how I felt. She understood...but she didn't feel the same way. But she loved me dearly as a friend. I didn't mess up anyone's life at all. Five years later, she is still with the guy and she and I are very close friends...and I'm glad to have her as a great friend. I don't look at her the way I used to...and she's become like a sister to me. Hell, she even gives me advice about the other women I'm interested in and I've gone out to bars with her looking for other women. If she's really your friend, you will not lose anything, and you might even become *closer* as a result. But, if she tells you she's not interested, put her in the "friend zone" and go find someone else. It never hurts to have friends.

 

2) Knew another girl who was seeing someone. Two months ago I went and told her I was interested in her. She told me she was seeing someone, but if she wasn't, she would be "way interested." I thought that was a brush off. After she broke up with her b/f a month later, she came straight after me. And while the situation didn't turn out ideally (if you've read any of my messages, you'll know why), the point is that I *did* at least get a shot with her because I took a chance. And what's funny is that she actually said THESE words to me (and I want you to pay attention): "You know, I never really thought of you as more than a friend. But when you came to me and told me how you felt, I started to see you in a whole different light. I wouldn't have even thought about it if you hadn't said anything..." You see...she may not even be thinking of you that way...but if you say something...she might *start* thinking of you that way...

 

Do NOT worry about screwing up someone else's life in this case. If she *wants* to be with her b/f, you will not screw up anything. If she leaves him for you, she was *not* happy with him anyway...and she would have left him for someone else eventually.

 

Also, don't let the fact that she gave him a peck bother you. People do that when they're couples. It doesn't mean she won't be doing the same thing to you before long.

 

Finally, if you want to know what to say, I can offer you this...it's flattering and it says exactly what you want to say. Practice it, mean it, say it. Go to her, pull her into a private place, and tell her you want to speak for a minute and tell her not to interrupt you until you get it out:

 

"I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, but I need to tell you that I am attracted to you. I know you're seeing someone, and I can respect that. My friendship with you means the world to me, but I feel a connection with you that could lead to something more. No matter what, I just wanted you to know that I'm very shy, and this has taken me a lot of courage. And, even though I might get rejected, I thought you were worth the risk..."

[Ray18321]

Alright, alright! I'll tell her. You made a very good point ProphetSword! I tell her what you said, but in my own words or else it will sound copied. It will make things less awkward for me but a little bit more for her. I predict she will stay with her b/f for long time before she breaks up (if she does) because they seem happy. I will tell her and she'll want to remain friends, but atleast I get this off my chest. I hope we become really good friends and evenually become something more.

 

Thanks to all three of you who posted. I really appreciate your help.

[ProphetSword]

Just trying to help. Maybe you'll return the favor someday when I'm here asking questions! Let us know how it turns out, okay. And, don't worry...there will always be more out there. Keep the faith and keep going.

[Ray18321]

Okay, I have a new problem..arg..*sigh*. I've been thinking about what to tell her over this weekend and I find that I don't have the courage to. I tried saying it out loud and pretending shes right by me, but when I hear myself, I sound so stupid and cheesey. I like what you said prophetsword, but it's sounds rehearsed or copied. I was thinking I would say something like "Hey I need to tell you something. I don't wanna make you feel uncomfortable and I know that you're seeing *b/f's name here* but I just want you to know that I really like you. I've been trying to tell you but haven't found the courage in me to tell you until now." It doesn't feel very complete. ok, the weird thing is that it's ganna be so hard to tell her because this will take a long time to tell her and when I get to the "like you" part, I'll feel this change of tension. I wish I could just tell her instantly intead of going through this 5 min conversation. I get EXTREMELY nervous jsut thinking about it, let alone picturing her.

 

I need advice on getting the courage to tell her and maybe what to say. Please reply quickly! Thanks.

[ProphetSword]

It can be hard. Being shy can be a real strain. I know.

 

What you've started to say is fine. I would leave it that way, but add the end part of what I said: "I know you might reject me, and I'm okay with that, but I wanted you to know that you were worth the risk."

 

That might sound rehearsed, but I promise you, it's very flattering. Believe it, and she will know you are sincere (you must think she's worth the risk, or you wouldn't be here asking for advice).

 

Honestly, if she's your friend and she's not interested in you, she will tell you, and it will be okay. You have to stand up and take this chance, or you will never get anywhere. Here's an old saying I heard on a television show that applies:

 

"If you ask her out, she *might not* go out with you. But if you don't ask her out, she *never will* go out with you. You decide."