Hearing date has now been set :-(

[TallyM]

The hearing date has now been set for the hearing against my ex boyfriend for several charges.

 

For Tuesday 13th March, less than one week notice ( i just love the court system!!!!)

 

He has pleaded guilt to-

4 x counts of the Apprehended Violence Order (AVO - Australian restrianing order) breaches.

 

He has pleaded not guilty to-

3 x AVO breaches

2 x Assualt charges

2 x Breach of his bail conditions

 

These events have been occurred one different occasions Between July 2006 - November 2006.

 

For every charge he has been arrested and granted bail.... he has at the most stayed in custody over night to appear at court the very next morning but they keep letting him go...

 

He had to leave our city and reside in his home town a couple of hours away and report to the local police station there daily so he was well away from me... that lasted for about month until his barrister has now had it changed so he can reside back here still and sign in to a police station in the city...Also he has just been getting adjournment after adjournment, i dont know why.... i dont understand anything. It was back in court yesterday, i assumed they wouldbe setting a hearing date and thought it would be months away. But they scheduled it for this coming Tuesday why so soon?

 

I have jus wanted a conclusion to all of this for so long.... i am so scared, terrified, i dont know what to do.

 

Problem is the whole time i have been talking to him. One of the conditions of the apprehended Violence order is that he can not contact me in any form not even through a third party,,, and the last big fight we had where he assualted me and broke into my apartment, i went out for dinner with him... as he wanted to apologise to me and make it up and stupid me thought a dinner could make it all better?

 

Problem is, he is so intense, he calls me about three or four times a day, i sometimes call him.... but now i am upset about this hearing and everything, and i was at work until 11pm last night trying to get everything done... i just want to be left alone... between last night and this morning i had 15 missed calls from him.

 

Yesterday he said to me not to pick up any unknown numbers or answer my door if i dont know who it is... He wants me to avoid the police or whoever notifying me officially of the hearing... that really upset me..... He is trying to persuade me not go... I didnt want to go, i was so upset because i considered the legal system to be so ineffective, and i didnt think i had done the right thing in taking this avenue, plus i was scared of getting into trouble as i was also party to it by talking to him, etc etc

 

Now, i dont know what to do... it was the whole principle of him persuading me not to go. I know he does not care about me and still tried to control and manipulate me, i just want him to go away that i have given up and i actually feel like all of this is all my fault as despite everything it has been going on so long because its not really that big a deal and he doesnt deserve to get in any trouble for this.

 

I dont know what to do. I need to speak to my boss if i want to go... but next week is so chaotic, and i have been given Friday off as leave that i applied for last week, and now i need Tuesday.

 

I dont know what to do.

 

I just want all this to go away, i want him to go away, i want some semblance of a normal life.

[Broken83]

Honey, sorry to be so direct, but what exactly are you doing with this guy? He assaulted you, broke in your apartment and you still don't know what to do? Run like hell and don't look back. Change your cell phone number, your house number, hell, even move to a new house. Build the life you are dreaming. And I bet, your dreams aren't centered around an abusive jerk.... You can do it. You deserve better and you know it...

[melrich]

I agree, why on earth are you talking to him? That must be making things so much worse.

 

Truly, call your phone company, get a new silent number, change your email addresses etc etc. Don't give this guy any avenue to contact you and don't you contact him.

[Dako]

I don't understand at all.

This creep is making your life miserable and you want to protect him from the law?

Lady, you need serious help. You've become so afraid of this guy you've lost yourself. I'd recommend talking to a professional counselor or just a good friend about this.

 

I really believe you're in danger.

[Broken83]

I don't understand at all.

This creep is making your life miserable and you want to protect him from the law?

Lady, you need serious help. You've become so afraid of this guy you've lost yourself. I'd recommend talking to a professional counselor or just a good friend about this.

 

I really believe you're in danger.

 

...so true...

[TallyM]

Its not a hearing on the 13th. Its another Mention where he could get another adjournment. He is playing with my head.

 

I am seeing a therapist about this.

[belli_danza]

As Mary J Blige sings, "RUN AWAY LOVE, RUN AWAY ....."

 

Why would you want the added stress?

[MacGyverRI]

He is playing with your head so the charges will be dropped. Go to the hearing and prosecute him before you end up in the hospital.

 

STAY AWAY from him!

 

 

 

He would be in jail already here for 30 days after the 1st time he did the Apprehended Violence Order, 2nd time I believe is 1 year.

[TallyM]

Believe me, i want to run away from this mess, if only it were that simple.

 

See, i was reading teardrops posts about feeling responsible for the abuse and thats how i feel. I have stayed for so long so its partly my fault for being so conducive to it all and not doing anything about it. I do not want to protect him from the law.Thats not what i meant... but i feel its my fault as well for being in this situation where we are right now. He upset me and in telling me to avoid answering my calls and the door, etc... I have always been scared of this going to a hearing because i think i am going to get in trouble and i deserve all this for making it like this... not that i am trying to apportion the blame away from him for his sake, but because if i didnt do what i have done we wouldnt be here...

 

If i run away, he follows, he makes life unbearable. I also dont think i am worth anything more than this and this is what i deserve... being in this big giant mess because this big giant mess i have created all of my own accord and of my own free will... if i had been smarter, wiser, stronger, if i was a better person i wouldnt be here, now would i?

 

But i just dont want to bury my head in the sand. and go oh well i buggered it up, nothing i can do about it now but sit here and whine so i am not even going to bother.... thats not it either.

 

I just honestly dont know what to do. It has gone on for so long now that if i start reporting him now for hassling me, why am i only choosing to enforce the order now and not previously? do i pick and choose when i want to use the order? if so thats not very fair and would probably land me in trouble as it could be seen i have been aiding and abbetting him

 

Do i tell work people to change my line in my office and email addresses? do i change my mobile number and then telll every one, all my family friends, etc what has been going on... which really i dont want to do... As i have changed my numbers about four times in the past already and i think even if i do change it he will go through mutual friends etc and find it (we have been seing each other for over 7 years)...

 

Ya know, its tough. I honestly dont know what to do. I was glad at the thought of a hearing my gut instinct was to go, but no, its not a hearing and just another head game...

 

I honestly dont know how women have the strength to just simply RUN AWAY or walk away from situations like this... its so much more complicated than that.

[TallyM]

He is playing with your head so the charges will be dropped. Go to the hearing and prosecute him before you end up in the hospital.

 

STAY AWAY from him!

 

 

 

He would be in jail already here for 30 days after the 1st time he did the Apprehended Violence Order, 2nd time I believe is 1 year.

 

 

I think he has been getting adjournments and stringing this out in order to play me. Its not a hearing on Tuesday, its another mention... do you call them "mentions" in the states? He may get another adjournment next Tuesday or they may set a hearing date i dont know.

 

He has had a total of 11 adjournments. Both assualts occurred whilst he was on bail for previous AVO breaches. so i dont understand what is happening... its been going so much i am even getting confused with dates, and when it all happened and what was what.... i think thats what he wants.

[Dako]

Aren't you hiding right now?

He has you frightened of him and the law.

The authorities understand the effects of fear in these situations.

Face it, you're miserable like this, and he benefits from it.

[melrich]

Yes you should be telling your workplace, your family and friends what has been going on. It's not your fault. None of it is. Don't try and ride this thing out yourself. If he calls you, call the plice and tell them he has breached the orders.

[TallyM]

I spoke with the police this afternoon. I always talk to them... i just dont report everything he has done to me. I havent reported anything since last November.

 

 

 

I have been talking with the police a few times recently to find out what is happening re the court system and what has been going on.

 

My family is not the most supportive family either, they have hhurt me in the past too so i dont like telling them everything. My life is quite separate to my parents, and brothers. They would tell me that it is all my fault.

 

I have lost a lot of friends in the last year i dont know who to trust, only two people know exactly what is happening but they live in different states.

 

See, before i used to tell people everything... i used to think that i am not going to lie to protect him and i am sick of him inconveniencing my life... but i think because the extremeness of this situation, people dont know how to react and either doubt everything that happens, i had a good friend last year tell people me i was a pathological liar and the situaiton wasnt as extreme as i made out... I lost a lot of respect from my colleagues because they only knew biits and pieces not the whole story so when i was absent from work, attending court, police stations whatever, rumours would start circulating and it got pretty bad. I now have a totally different job, and i have a diff circle of friends, but i dont like poeple knowing everything about me... i feel that any secrets i had, any personal space was all violated by thim that people dont understand now.... and i feel the more people know the less they respect me, especially at work in a professional arena.... i dont want any one to know about any of this... i dont want any one to judge me when they dont know me and dont know why this is the way it is... they would never understand and i could never explain it well enough to make anyone see, so i like keeping it private.

 

I have been judged. I have been affected by this, i have lost so many friends through all of this. I am tired of all of that. And its not fair, to think i want to be a normal person like everyone else, i want to be able to walk away from this like any normal person can just choose to end a relationship, a situation and walk away when they choose.

 

I can not choose to get out of this so simply. And thats not fair. But its my fault as this whole thing with my ex has been verging on nearly five years.

 

Five years of violence, of police, or AVO's... of everything. I thought two years ago when i moved out of the apartment with him that was the end of it.

 

But i was so * * * *ing naive then.

[MacGyverRI]

I spoke with the police this afternoon. I always talk to them... i just dont report everything he has done to me. I havent reported anything since last November.

 

 

 

I have been talking with the police a few times recently to find out what is happening re the court system and what has been going on.

 

 

By not reporting everything they think he is changing into a good guy, CALL them everytime from now on and no contact w/ him at all.

[TallyM]

But is the legal avenue the right thing to do?

 

I dont think so... what then if i report it? More charges, mnore complications in an already over complicated system, more adjournments for them while they chew on it... Report it, have to go to the station and give a statement...whats that another three or so more hours away from work... then what i need to appear in court and loose a nother day at work just to hear its been adjourned for another month, to go back to court, and loose another day at work, just to be told its been adjourned again... Have police, lawyers etc calling me at work, turning up at work... turning up at my apartment whenever, not ever having this out of my face, not even for a single whole week....all the while he is sitting back laughing at me each time the police arrest him talk to him and let him go again....

 

I dont think so.

[mintblossom]

I think you are having normal reactions to an abnormal situation. It's like being in the grips of an emotional terrorist and not knowing where to turn.

 

What's really important and helpful in a situation like this is to have a lot of support. That is what I didn't have during my involvement with abusers and it kept me stuck. I realize it can be so hard when you don't want family and friends to know. Believe me, I covered it all up from my family and filtered out all the bad stuff. I only told them good things to "protect him" and there is still a lot of stuff that I just don't want to open up to them about because I don't want my family to think badly of me. I don't want anyone to look down on me.

 

Is there a domestic violence shelter around where they can connect you with greater anonymous support and resources? For example, a women's group. I've always wanted to go to a women's group and just sit and listen to other women talk in person about their experiences. I think it's very important for you to take steps through the legal system to protect yourself.

 

It is very hard to run away or walk away when you've been hurt and beaten down so much. I was in a bad situation for years and years and if I didn't have low self-esteem and self-worth at the beginning? Well, after a couple of years, I was a mess. I think the strongest person staying in a violating situation would disintegrate as well. Like.....a popsicle...no matter how frozen and strong it is if you put enough heat and warmth on it, it's going to eventually melt.

 

It's just really important to realize that for you to get away....you might have to limp away. Little bit by little bit as fast as you can. After 7 years...he's got quite a hold on you and it's going to be very hard so support is very important. Keep posting and keep seeking help.

 

link removed

 

Oh yes, one of the things I did when I was trying to get away was no contact and also I used to post on another forum with older women who had been abused. When I heard stories of women who had been married 20, 30, 40+ years to abusers and who were just getting out or just trying to get out......that's when I really started to realize.......I don't want to waste my life on this guy and have him cheat and leave me when I'm 50 or have to restart on my own when I'm middle aged!! One of the things I actually had going for me was that I was younger than all of them! I actually miss reading those stories because they affirmed my resolve to get away and to stay away. It helped because a lot of the ladies kept telling me to stay away and I needed to hear that.

 

There's nothing like hearing....."I was married to this guy for 25+ years, had 4 kids with him, cooked, cleaned and took care of him and he treated me like trash and then bankrupted me by leaving and used the legal system to nail me to the wall."

[MacGyverRI]

Go to or write a complaint letter to a higher authority police and a country court office to report the local police and the court system.

 

I don't know what your offices are there but In the USA you can contact the US district Attorney to complain about local courts and to the State police or FBI to complain about local police and there should be some sort of similar offices there.

 

Don't let him win or someone else will be hurt by him.

 

 

p.s.

every charge would be done at one hearing here and he would already be in jail.

[TallyM]

. "The Loser" stuff is so true

 

But i know this, i know all of this. Thats why i feel so stupid.

[TallyM]

Thanks everyone for your replies...

 

I changed my cell phone No. today.

 

I am currently looking for a support group or something.

 

I am not sure about making a forma complaint re the police and court system because it could be brought back on me the fact that i have not been helping the system myself either... Ie i still keep talking to him, not reporting everything, just bits and pieces etc etc still remaining in contact with him when the order was extended, etc... and i dont want to go start making it even more complicated so i think i will just let that system run its course.

 

I decided this morning, that emotionally i am not accepting this. I dont accept what he has done, I dont accept being treated like this, i dont accept the lies and manipulation, i dont accept being hurt, I dont accept how he speaks to me (swearing at me and calling me names), i dont accept the court process... I mean sure this is happening, but emotionally or inside me its not okay.

 

Before i used to accept everything that was done to me... I used to say okay... and pay the consequences of that, I used to take the blame, accountability and responsibility for what other people did to me and think it was a fault within me that caused it. I accepted all the bad stuff that happened as normal. Especially as a kid, and in my late teens, and early twenties i went through a lot of stuff... it got pretty heavy, but i used to shrug it off and plod along and keep going... I used to keep alot of things to myself... and only used to tell close friends... sometimes when i would talk they would tell me how bad it was etc... I used to feel that i was at fault, or inadequate for allowing this things to happen to me so didnt tell anyone and withdrew even more... but i still felt it was normal... there was nothing WRONG with it....

 

Until now... I guess until i met one particular policeman that had a good chat to me and took over an hour convincing me to give my statement for what mye x had done to me in one fight... but the majority of police and lawyers etc i dont like but thats different.

 

Now, i dont want to accept any of this. sure that doesnt change anything that is happening but its not okay with me and it never will be.

[Broken83]

Good for you! Now the real end to this mess, is to end ALL contact. Don't ever, EVER CALL HIM AGAIN!!!EVER! If he comes by your apartment, call the police IMMEDIATELY. Don't allow him to get even the smallest glimpse of you. That's the only way to end this misery you feel.

Best wishes. You deserve much better. Believe it

[TallyM]

It has been adjourned again until May.

 

Total adjournments = 15.

 

My advice to any woman in Australia is if you are in an abusive violent relationship, with him actually hitting you, stalking you, whatever. My advice is seek help from friends or family.

 

DO NOT GO THROUGH THE POLICE SYSTEM IN NSW.

 

Its a fat load of good and you have to be completely sure of yourself and very strong to follow everything through.

 

Trust me, you will be put on the stand. They will quizz you, lecture you, etc. Unless you have 100% proof of what he does and know that you can follow this through over a serious length of time. DO NOT GO THROUGH THE POLICE!

 

I think i have done a very dumb thing. and if i could take back all my statements i would.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Here's my take on this It may help it may not, 1st off its taken a lot of guts to get this far, most victims of storking find it far to dificolt to take there storker to court so I for one say think you for being brave and standing for what's right, hard as it is your stand is the right stand and for that you should feel pride, evan in this darkness.

 

1: He's a bad man, he's bad becouse he hits and disrepecs you, he's bad becouse what he wonts matters more then what you need, any farther, husband, Boyfriend who will use violance physical or emotionly to take what they won't from thows they say the love is a bad man a weak and small man.

 

2: Look at him, really look what use is he, what dos he offer the world, dos he make it a better place. Do other men like me look up to him, NO! we see some thing less than a man, a halfman who lies and cheats he's way throw life. A nothing of a man.

 

3: You are like us, hole complet, normal, the world and we are richer for you being in it. Your feeling are the same feelings we would have if a halfman like this came into our lives, played his games, sank his greedy less than man hocks into us so he can feed his needs at any price.

 

4: But he chouse you as the target for he woman hate, he's need to controll, his lust for dominance and power of thows he should be protecting.

Life is not fare but we the strong not this and we face it.

 

5: We face it becouse we know if this halfman is not stopped in a year or two there will be another woman, just like you who this creature has locked onto, harmed, haunted made to feel shame and giult for what he is doing to her. Shes out in the world right now unaware that he's coming.

 

6: All he as to do to get at her is get you to do just what he wonts, to get away with what he has done to you. Then he will be free to terrise others.

 

7: Do any of use have the right to ask you to keep going, to stop the halfman here and now, I know you, your wonded, baddy in need of a brake from this and he's still got some hocks in you.

 

8: But I'm asking, me no other, I'm asking becouse I know this less of man will do this again, he wil do it to others and here and now you have a chance to stop him, to let the world know just how dangerous this halfman is, its the old fight or flight but we are humans not animals and as such act not just out of self need, no that's he's way.

 

9: No/Contact at all until court, even then you can see him but unless he acts as his own defance (very dumb as he will lose) he will not say any thing to you again. Then tell the police what he's been trying to do, "Pervert the couse of justice" by asking you to not respond to them. The calls the controll all have to end, no letters, 3ed parts the lot, but the poilce hove to know ask for a banic butten they will tell you what it is. The now ones can be carred like mobiles.

 

10: Suport, get as much as you can, work, home, councaling, mates evety where, get a falt mate and tell your family. suport of any kind will help you see yoir doing the right thing and standding up to this guy. He has used violance so you need others to help what for this.

 

I hope that was of use, you can get throw this to a better life, he's just not going to be in it, he can stay in his one man hell and I'm sorry it you who has to go through this but I know that as you have shown so far you can and will get through this.

 

all the best and we are all ways here to offer any help we can

 

yours spugly