Its the only thing we row about! grrrr

[FrancisHouseman]

I have lived with my boyfriend for about 5 months. Im sorry this is long!

 

thanks!

[Stu147]

Hi Francis

 

I can assure you, as a man, that you are not 'just being a woman and whinging about cr*p". You are trying to encourage your man to be a man and take some responsibility! I think his behaviour is appalling, not to mention plain bone idle. You are not his mummy, you are his partner for goodness sake, and he is completely taking you for granted.

 

I work full time, as does my wife. I take an even share of cooking, washing, ironing, dusting, vacuuming, you name it. And this does not mean I'm under the thumb, quite the opposite. I do these things willingly and with pride, because a real man can take care of himself and his family. And that does not limit itself to just putting money on the table.

 

If I were you I would down tools and stop acting as his maid. Stop cooking his meals, stop doing his washing, give him a sharp dose of real life. Tell him that unless he wants to pitch in then you're only going to do tasks that are for your personal benefit. Tell him if he wants to be looked after like a little boy then to go home to mummy.

 

I'm sorry if I sound a little harsh, but you are being so unfairly put upon and it's not right, and you shouldn't accept it.

 

I really hope that he changes his immature ways, take care...

[RooferGirl23]

The sad truth, changing people's housecleaning habits it almost inpossible. Thats where compromise comes in. Every heathy relationship is based on comromise. and yet, it can be a very hard thing to do, its a must. My guy never, and i mean never, puts his dirty clothes in the hamper. I have tired to even never wash his stuff just because he leaves it lying all over the floor. That did not work at all. all i got was a messy bedroom!

It may make him feel like "less of a man" if he is doing the "girly" housework. He seems a bit old-fashioned, but think of it this way... he NEEDS you by wanting you do do most of the stuff. I do about 90% of the housework, and raise 6 kids. It gets very frustrating at times, and i can feel under-appreciated. But thats when you gatta stop and look around at your beautiful home and relationship and say, "I did this!" and smile.

Take pride in the things you do, and the fruits of your labor will be visible to you.

[ghost69]

don't let him kiss you after being 'sorry'. you need to be stern to try and turn this around. use sex as your reward. that should do it.

[Clementine orange]

You can't change people, you can only change yourself and your attitudes towards something.

What you can do is make him hate you.

Contrary to others advice here, I would lighten up and use positive reinforcement.

If you have a relationship where the only thing you fight about is this, then you are a lucky, lucky girl!

[ghost69]

just wash your clothes and let his stink up.

[BellaDonna]

I know it's tough- but if he is not doing the few chores he agreed to do before moving in- do not do them for him. If you do them, you are just enabeling his bad behavior.

 

If his job is to clean the bathroom- don't touch it. Let it turn into a science project until it gets so gross he finally cleans it. I know it's hard to live in those conditions but the more you pick up after him, the more he'll just expect you to do it.

 

So let the trash pile up, the bathroom get dirty, etc. If he des not help with the dishes, let them stay in the sink until there's none left and go get take out for dinner- or buy plastic utensils. Completely let go. When he finally realizes that you're not going to clean up after him then he will do it- especially if he's going to have company over and does not want them to think he lives in a pig sty.

 

Keep doing your chores as usual and let him feel silly when he doesn't do his.

 

BellaDonna

[TheFoglifter]

I disagree with the above advice -- she will crack before he does. I've been on both sides of the equation, I've been the clean one and the messy one and when I dealt with the messy one, it was appauling just how bad he'd let things get.

 

The other problem is that letting things go affects HER as well.

 

The real heart of the issue though is that you are both drawing lines to prevent ending up where you are afraid of ending up. YOU don't want to end up like your mom by allowing your man to "get away" with slacking off, until you resent him because he never does anything. On the other hand, HE does not want to turn into one of those men who might as well wear a pink filly apron and share your tampons.

 

At the end of the day you just place different levels of importance on a particular task.

 

Now you could fight dirty as was suggested before -- when its time for something he enjoys (sex) you could do a really poor job, and take a really miserable attitude, but all that is going to do is make HIM resent YOU. It may accomplish your goal of getting him to clean the bathroom, but it will put him one step closer to becoming a man, and it will scare the crap out of him, because if he lets you get away with that, then whats the NEXT thing you'll try to change.

 

You may have to take a positive approach and try a reward system, and give him an immediate reward (a bj is a great motivator) when he does something right. You'll give more, but you'll get more.

 

Otherwise, you can just accept that you have to do the "women" chores, and be happy that he does the "man" chores. When its time to rake the yard, or do heavy lifting, or fix a gutter, or earn more money, or fix the car, or whatever is "manly", you can get on his case for that and justify it by asserting that you do all the woman chores, and if he really wants to be a man he should do the man chores.

[ghost69]

just toss his clothes outside and say "if you want to live like a pig, get dressed outside."

[FrancisHouseman]

excellent advice. you are completely right, we are both drawing lines and refusing to meet in the middle. I love him so much in every other respect. He is off work at the moment sick, got a chest infection. I have been moaning about period pain! ha ha and he rang me at work today to ask how i was?!! he is the one in bed at home. Bless him.

 

I guess i just dont want to turn into a nagger, i suppose there is this part of me that hates having to be 'grateful' when he does something, its like when he washes the pots he is really chuffed with himself and he cant wait for me to see it because he wants his 'brownie points' but the fact is, i wash the pots every other day of the week and do everything else and i dont get "wow!! it looks great, come over here for a three hour massage and chocolate body painting exercise.." ha ha ha

 

you get my drift?

 

however, i have realised, with experience, that if i am very impressed and happy and GRATEFUL when he cleans the bathroom and makes the bed that he is more eager to do it.

 

I suppose if i love him, I have to accept some things about him that i dont like so much.

[TheFoglifter]

I'm glad that there is enough good to make accepting some bad worthwhile. I'm glad you are mature enough to realize that doing so is a very positive step. Some people out there think that is nothing short of surrender, and would rather be miserable and alone than compromise.

[ghost69]

well, you 2 were brought up a bit differently. he probably wasn't taught to clean up and do stuff around the house and you were. i dunno. but you love him for him and anything less wouldn't make you happy.