Lots of contact in a a time of No Contact

[caltrio24]

Well I stumbled accross this form earlier this evening and it seems like quite a resource for all sorts of relationship issues.

 

And now here's mine I'm hoping to get some insight on.

 

Some possibly relevant background info: A girl I had been dating for six months and I broke up six months ago. It was for relatively minor reasons - me always being late, her tired of "waiting around", some inconsiderateness on my part, etc. Anyway, I've wanted to get back together, she has not wanted that.

 

A few weeks ago I picked up Brian Caniglia's How To Get Back Your Ex e-book. I pretty much did all the DON'Ts in there - from telling her how much I love her to calling too often to way too much "pushing". This resulted in periods of contact fluctuating in frequency and intensity between me and this girl, but ultimately not getting back together. For the first couple months she would barely talk to to me, she needed space, I wanted answers. I read his book, and well on the bright side, lessons learned. So about two weeks ago I thought I've give his method a shot for getting back together. At that point two weeks ago we'd talk every now and then, but I didn't feel she was quite ready to, say, meet in person yet, and so of course, nowhere near not give the relationship another shot. A legtimately super-busy schedule on her end complicates it, but I know if the desire/attraction/love were there, a relationship can flourish despite hectic schedules.

 

 

The current issue -

Two weeks ago I began, as recommended in that e-book, a month long period of no-contact. The thing is - she's been contacting me. I know it says this may happen and to keep the conversations short and simple. But she has initiated contact with me many times, and it is her each initiating each time. She'll IM me 3-4 times a week. I'm always happy to talk with her, and I engage in the conversation, but at the same time I'm trying to adhere to this NC and work toward a goal! Our conversations are about everyday stuff and flow well, and nothing heavy like our relationship has come up. I began this supposed month of NC two weeks ago, so in two weeks or so I"d like to ask her out on a "date", work back in the attaction and all that.....but I'm curious how to handle all this, well, contact. Or, if there seems to be any particular deeper meaning to it. I'd hate to assume it's anything more than it is, made that mistake before with her.

 

So yeah, any thoughts on this? I guess I'm looking for other perspectives on this. It seems that after a passionate relationship, then a rough breakup and some confusing months that all this talking is a good sign. That is, I hope it's not simply "okay, it's been a few months, let's talk like friends but i don't want a relationship again". You'll have to excuse the wordy post, just trying to explain the situation.

[heloladies21]

It's too bad some guy is making money out there on people who are in your exact position when you can get way better advice here. I used to stress this same method of trying to win back your ex, but after much observation........it doesn't work.

 

Basically doing what you're doing amounts to a whole lot a psychological game playing, contact games, holding your feelings inside till the fateful day when she either decides to drop the bomb on you that she's not interested or dating someone else (if she's not dating someone else already--in thatcase it's DEFINITELY dead).

 

If you keep doing what you're doing, you're gonna get false hope by thinking that you're making progress when that's not happening. Best thing you could do is to go NC for real, and that means not letting her contact you either for a while. You caneven tell her you want some time to sort things out, it's fine to announce it. Then once you feel strong enough emotionally, you can address her final intentions. But beware, because if she's not 100% all about you at that point, then she never will be and it's time for you to move on.

[friscodj]

Anyway, I've wanted to get back together, she has not wanted that.

 

Welcome to ENA caltrio24! Great to have you here...

 

Well, I have some thoughts for you my friend...

 

First of all, the quote above really says it all. You want to get back together with her and she does not want that. When was the last time you checked with her on this?

 

Your main logical flaw in your direction here is equating "getting back together" as the "end", the "goal", the "mission". I can tell you when you start thinking of this situation like that, you're in for a ride. You've got to think past that, to what your relationship was like before the split and what it would be like after you potentially get back together.

 

This e-book seems to be giving you a strategy to "win" someone back using psychological manipulation,i.e., get her to change her mind to do something she doesn't really want to do. Do XYZ, she will feel ABC, then do DEF and you'll have her back, case closed. That's what sells these days. It's easy for most people to see, to understand, to believe in, to literally buy into, especially people emotionally vulnerable and desperate based on such a heartbreak.

 

I bet there's a picture of Brian in there looking pretty and smiling too, nice suit, perfect hair, and perfect white teeth. No matter what the degree on his wall says, he's a business man and he's going to sell what people will buy, and that is a surface-level intellectual and emotional strategy, packaged conveniently in electronic form wrapped in clever marketing, fooling you, an emotionally vulnerable person with the best intentions, into thinking your happiness and fulfillment lies within its content because this relationship was the be-all-end-all.

 

I checked out his website and the real brilliance is in the marketing of the product. The website is a testament to the science of marketing. It really is brilliant in that sense, the layout, the pictures, the wording, the tactics of psychological manipulation are very indicative of the content of the book! The only difference is the end here is getting your credit card number and $24.

 

At any rate, I urge you to explore this situation on deeper levels than those that are apparent to you right now.

 

Right now, you are experiencing the first stage of grief, i.e., denial. You think this is situation with her is not over, you think there is hope, and this book feeds off this. Pathetic in an ethical sense but brilliant in a business sense. Hey, this is America...

 

What you need to do at this point is put down your e-book and start getting to the bottom of this. You're going to reach this point anyway I can surely tell you that, as the confusion and frustration builds with this situation. It's already happening...why did you come here for advice? You've got the Gospel according to Brian Caniglia open on Acrobat Reader right now...

 

Anyway, forget the e-book and think about this, you think about this, don't let a book written by a business man think for you...

 

Why do you want so badly to be with this woman? If it really was a solid connection, she would have been more patient with your lateness and found ways to address it vs. breaking up with you because of it. Do you feel like you failed here? Feel some guilt here, like this is all your fault just because she decided she wasn't feeling it in the relationship and used a convenient excuse that it was your tardiness? Why were you tardy? If you were really and truly into this relationship, maybe you would have put more effort into improving this? But now that you are suffering, lonely, and grieving, this seems like an easy reason for you to accept for your suffering now with an relatively easy solution. Maybe a relationship really isn't your highest priority in life right now? Maybe it isn't her's either...with anyone... Maybe you know and feel something wasn't right with the relationship and your are denying that fact?

 

What else do you have going for you in your life right now? Hobbies, sports, passions, job, education or pursuit of such, things like this. What do you want to do but never did or didn't do enough of for whatever reason? Now is the time to immerse yourself in these things, remind yourself what life is about and how good it feels...

 

After you start thinking straight again, reassess what you want from this situation and why, if you still think and feel a reconciliation is desired, get together and talk to her. Not only tell her but ask her why she is communicating with you, what she wants and what happened between you guys. If you feel she is genuinely open to the possibility of a trying again with a relationship, tell her what you saw in the relationship, what you've been doing, and what you expect if you guys get back together. If things line up, go for it. If not, it's OK, she's one woman and you will surely meet others and do so with a heightened level of awareness about yourself, women, life, and love having gone through this relationship, the grief from the separation from such, and the resulting deep soul searching that can come no other way...

 

Otherwise, tell her directly and honestly you feel you need to get to a better emotional place with this and need time away from this emotionally confusing situation to do such. Tell her you are sorry but you won't be reading or returning her IMs or any other contact from her. Then follow through with it continually reminding yourself of the fact she really does not want to be with you. Don't do this for her or to make her "miss you" in hopes of getting back together with her, do it for you...really and truly do it for you...

 

All the games will eventually lead to direct communication at some point anyway. Usually what I've seen happen is frustration and confusion build up and your emotions cycle during the course of play all of which hinder the necessary direct communication later on.