Why Can't I Move On Yet? Not Understanding Situation at all....

[NyGentleman]

Well to start off, i do have many posts on here lying around, i just dont know what to classify all this in...I know the majority of everyone is telling me to NC and move on, but i am doing the NC and all i can do is think of her and ask myself why? how? etc....

 

This kinda falls into the nice guy finishes last category so i should know better but being her friend first for almost 2yrs i thought she would have alot more respect for me if we ever got involved than to just walk away from everything we had and leave me high and dry....and thats exactly what happened...4 days after we became official..wham...she freaked and walked away...leaving me an email trail of frustration and explanations of basically telling me she wasnt over her past and couldn't be serious with anyone right now..and along the way started questioning her feelings for me (after saying i love you, we should get married etc...)

 

Well we left off with her asking me if i hated her, i said i couldnt answer that and i said that things would never be the same, we stopped talking after that its been 1 week of NC..We go to school together and a couple of days after all this we had a night class together with a big paper to turn in, sorry for her she didnt show up, (i was a wreck about seeing her anyway after all this) but she never showed..interesting...

 

The ex plays a major role in all this, but to summarize he treated her like garbage and left her..came back...she left him ...than kinda a neutral position for both and thats when i come in...Anyway i cant let go of this, i miss her, i duno why, but im so hurt that after all that i have done and all the times i was there for her when no one else was she could just walk away...without a fight..does the ex factor really mess some people up where they walk away from something great and not realize it until its to late? I mean does this stuff really happen...?

 

And if anyone has ever been here before, have you ever woken up one day/night and said wow what did i do? I made a mistake? I mean im really wondering if this is borderline bi-polar here...Her highs and lows are crazy, i mean how can one person destroy someone's ability to function, continue on in school, maintain friendships...its all to complicated for me yet i was there when it was going down and watched her fall, ..you would think she would have learned, and would thank god for me, guess that wasnt the case here...so maybe i did treat her as a goddess and maybe she felt as if she could walk all over me and id always be there, but im not now and in the one other time that we stopped talking (3 weeks) she came back to me harder and strong about everything she felt for me, she wanted another chance blah blah blah ....

[friscodj]

Hey NYG-

 

Your basis of friendship for almost 2 years says a lot, given it was truly a friendship and not a holding pattern for your deeper emotions waiting for her to become single so you could move in and start dating her.

 

But if your feelings grew over time and getting to know her, I think at some point you guys will become friends again. I've been in situations like that where this has happened, especially seeing as she didn't do you wrong, even though you feel right now that she did.

 

I think she was honest with you in her emails and she is hurting because of this too. She's not over her ex, she has unresolved issues with that, and quite simply sounds emotionally unavailable to anyone but this ex of hers right now. It sounds like bad timing to me, I am sorry.

 

Of course you miss her. The separation from both a friend and a girlfriend was sudden and complete. Your feelings are normal but what can you do? She's probably a mess right now too, but not because of you.

 

As far as the questions in your last paragraph regarding putting up a "fight" and the "ex factor", unfortunately experience has overwhelmingly told me that if you get involved with a woman when she is wrapped up in and reeling over someone else, and she flips out like she did, forget about it. In fact, I've been her before too, same situation almost gender-reversed.

 

It's almost like your feelings for her get swept up in the storm that is going on inside of her and when that storm passes, it takes away everything emotional associated with the timing of it. That's how it works. I've been on both sides of it, having both started relationships when either she or myself was still reeling in the past and when that reeling stops, it's like everything stops. I've even tried turning it back on but it just doesn't happen, I don't know why this is but it is. I've fought from both sides to feel again and create feeling in the other person but by some emotional and psychological mechanism I don't understand, it has never worked for me or anyone I've known in such a situation.

 

Now, what do you do from here? First of all, all of your questions and statements are normal, the "why?", "how?", "what if?" All normal reactions to grief.

 

And right now, you are being consumed by this situation and not thinking straight. Until the consummation desists to the point where you can talk to her again without suffering or desiring more than friendship from her, my advice is stay away or get swept up by her storm.

 

I do think at some point down the road a ways, after the storm passes, you will become friends again given the circumstances of the break up, the history of friendship between you two, and the brevity of the relationship.

[heloladies21]

You do yourself a disservice by keeping in touch with her. Overlooking the fact that your method of trying to get her by this "friends" route which is a flawed method to begin with, now that she gave a relationship a try and decided very quickly it wasn't for her, it's becoming obvious that she is not interested in the same things as you.

 

I know it feels good to come here and vent every once in a while, but the problem with venting over and over again like this is that the underlying problem still remains. So the relief you feel is temporary.

 

I know you might not be able to help yourself from pursuing her at this time, but if youcontinue to feel frustrated and confused by the situation months of even years down the road, just keep some of this advice in mind. Hopefully it'll help you pull through.

[NyGentleman]

Thanks everyone, words of truth like this put alot into perspective and I guess what im left with is one question, with the track record showing so, does she come back and if so why, more important i know i should be asking myself do i really want someone like this and the answer is def not but still, because i do to feel as if the timing on this one messed everything up and all the feelings went with it, but lets just say round and round we go again after some time do you honestly (and if there are any cases of a positive relationship explain here) think that next time around would be a different story, almost like starting from scratch again (which would be the case)...

 

Slowly im understanding all this with the knowledge of the fact that bc of the past and the bad timing and me being the object to fill a hole of loneliness for her thats all it was worth ...i was filling a spot until either she got over everything or she went back to the dark side...as much as i loved to hear her say that one time if it wasn't for the past i would be so into you right now, i know its not reality anymore...when she hits rock bottom with all this building inside her head and finds out it wasnt what she thought it would be i will be long gone....

 

Lastly for my own interest do woman like this go through all these feelings as well like i am? Like contemplating if she did the right thing, or sad bc we no longer talk etc...i am very curious to know if she has any thought of me what so ever right now...my instinct says no bc this is the first NC ive been in with her where i havent gotten any kind of message from her even if it was her fault ...that last one was very half * * * in which she email me to tell me she hated not talking to me...