Understanding vs NC Approach

[kate111]

Sit with the words of others for a while and see if your understanding of such is enough to convince you otherwise.

 

If after some time and thought with this you still feel you should invest more of yourself into this situation, I say do it for the reasons I stated before.

 

The pain will be temporary but the deep wisdom only gained through firsthand experience will last forever.

 

 

It has already been over a month. How long should I wait?

[friscodj]

It has already been over a month. How long should I wait?

 

However long you think. You haven't done anything yet so there's something keeping you from doing it. Really explore what that is...

 

I think you will gain the most benefit figuring a lot of this out on your own. Seriously. I'm not trying to hang you out to dry, I think you'll gain a lot of confidence and independence in getting yourself out of tough situations and making things happen for yourself.

[kate111]

However long you think. You haven't done anything yet so there's something keeping you from doing it. Really explore what that is...

 

I think you will gain the most benefit figuring a lot of this out on your own. Seriously. I'm not trying to hang you out to dry, I think you'll gain a lot of confidence and independence in getting yourself out of tough situations and making things happen for yourself.

 

 

Maybe fear holds me back. Passivity.

 

I really hope you are right about the confidence/ independence thing.

[friscodj]

I really hope you are right about the confidence/ independence thing.

 

It won't come right away but in time, when you digest this situation, poop it out, and flush it, that's when you'll start being able to believe in yourself and the possibility for better relationships and let go of your "need" for such.

[blender]

Kate, just to remind you of your OWN WORDS OF ADVICE on another thread, when someone asked "should I email".. you wrote:

 

START QUOTE:

 

Don't do it!!

 

I was feeling fine yesterday until I received an email from him in response to one I sent him. Then last niht the insomnia and self doubt thoughts set back in.

 

You will not find out anything new, it will set back your process and you will feel crappy.

 

END QUOTE

[friscodj]

3. Shows I am mature, shows I am in control of my emotions and am reasonable. Also shows that I can accept and deal with reality and am not running away. Shows that I truly love him even though he may be rejecting me.

 

Yep, this what people think. Do you equate "maturity" with beating yourself over the head with a baseball bat? You think maturity equates to repressing your feelings? Does maturity equate to hindering your healing process in the name of perceived social graces? This is maturity? Really?

 

There's a fine line between "maturity", "bravery", and "insanity". People fly airplanes into the middle of hurricanes to study them but would sit on the porch of your house on the beach when the storm is coming? What is this proving and to whom?

 

"I love you, see? I can take a beating for you." What you're really saying is you love the idea (or illusion?) of (healthy?) companionship with this person more than yourself and companionship with yourself. You fear being alone, maybe you fear a sense of failure with all of this, and people rationalize it by saying the same things you said here.

[kate111]

It won't come right away but in time, when you digest this situation, poop it out, and flush it, that's when you'll start being able to believe in yourself and the possibility for better relationships and let go of your "need" for such.

 

 

I hope so.

[kate111]

Kate, just to remind you of your OWN WORDS OF ADVICE on another thread, when someone asked "should I email".. you wrote:

 

START QUOTE:

 

Don't do it!!

 

I was feeling fine yesterday until I received an email from him in response to one I sent him. Then last niht the insomnia and self doubt thoughts set back in.

 

You will not find out anything new, it will set back your process and you will feel crappy.

 

END QUOTE

 

 

 

Noooooooo! Taking my own advice!

 

It's easier to give it out as you can see the situation more objectively. When it is happening to you it is harder to see things clearly.

[friscodj]

I hope so.

 

I have to go but I really think if you analyze what you've heard, read, and feel and still feel you should pursue something with him, do it. I've learned so much about myself, other people, life, and love in the process.

[friscodj]

When it is happening to you it is harder to see things clearly.

 

Yep, if you only knew about the things I do in my own relationships!

 

With this said, turn the situation around on yourself. What would you tell a stranger who posted on here your exact situation and details of such?

 

Again, the easy part is knowing what to do. The exponentially harder part is actually doing it.

[kate111]

Interesting.

 

Yes what you are saying is right. I do repress feelings, they resurface as obsessions I think.

 

You think my feelings on this indicate a fear of failure and being alone eh? Anything else they indicate?

[friscodj]

Maybe you think you are giving up real love and companionship or something that might turn into such, i.e. feeling like you "let a good one get away". Maybe you think you won't find it again with anyone else, that this is it. I've felt that way before and every single time another opportunity comes along!

 

BTW, I said "maybe" you feel that way. I really don't know you that well, these are just some common denominators I've seen in my experiences with this with others and with myself.

[kate111]

Yep, if you only knew about the things I do in my own relationships!

 

With this said, turn the situation around on yourself. What would you tell a stranger who posted on here your exact situation and details of such?

 

Again, the easy part is knowing what to do. The exponentially harder part is actually doing it.

 

 

Hmmm. What would I would tell them?

 

Probably tell them not to contact the other person to give the person a chance to miss them. I'd tell them that if this person left them high and dry at such a point in their life that they are not worth fighting for. I'd tell them to get revenge by being successful.

 

Not sure what else I'd say.

[kate111]

Maybe you think you are giving up real love and companionship or something that might turn into it. Maybe you think you won't find it again with anyone else, that this is it. I've felt that way before and every single time another opportunity comes along.

.

 

 

Yes I do feel like that. I was committed to him.

[kate111]

Hmmm. What would I would tell them?

 

Probably tell them not to contact the other person to give the person a chance to miss them. I'd tell them that if this person left them high and dry at such a point in their life that they are not worth fighting for. I'd tell them to get revenge by being successful.

 

Not sure what else I'd say.

 

 

I'd tell them that if they want to increase their chances of getting them back to ignore them and go out with other men to get some perspective on the relationship. I'd tell them that exes have this uncanny knack of calling you when you have met someone else that you find interesting.

 

and that in the end it is the other person who broke it off so there is nothing you can do apart from live your life without them.

 

If they never contact you again then they probably aren't worth it.

[blender]

Well now perhaps YOU can SEE your situation more objectively

 

By the way, you were talking about YOUR SITUATION in that advice... remember we get the same "painful lessons over and over again in life until we make the choice to learn to not "repeat our own patterns"... so do this "differently" now, no more contact.

 

Honestly, it's time for you to gather up all your courage, feel sad, mourn the loss of what you "hoped could be" and to now be in acceptance that it "isn't real with him"...

 

Because for "authentic mutual love" you need two intentionally loving, loyal, self fulfilled people, to start a relationship on solid ground..

 

unfortunately it seems that maybe both of you were building this on "emotional quicksand"... it's says so much about the "quality" of the relationship in how we "feel' after we let go.. if we feel "desperate and angry for too long" than it's not about "love" it's more about our egos, and our "wants".. and not our "needs"... because if you really love him, and respect him, you would let go and leave him alone even if it was sad for you to do so.. that's love.

[kate111]

I am letting go and leaving him. I'm trying to at least.

[blender]

Do you have a choice? Really, think about this, you can not make someone love you the way you want them to... it's unattractive to attempt to, you're worthy of someone who does so because it's how they feel and what they want.. and not because you guilt them into it, or use words to make them defensive, or because you refuse to accept them at thier word... or because you keep trying "new tricks or approaches" to win them back.. this is not a healthy mature approach.. okay? So try a new self empowering approach of "no contact" and no announcing anything to him.. no response, no contact.

 

Looking through all your threads, I know you've already tried different things, and for now the most healing, attractive, self empowering thing for you to do, is to cry, be in acceptance that HE can not be the man you "hoped and thought he could be".. and that's okay, you will be okay, he's NOT THEE one for you...YOU are now going to choose that he's not for you...think of it that way..okay? YOU are going to make this choice based on his behavior, his lack of effort, and his making a choice to break up... so no more contact.. none.

 

There is no good healthy reason to discuss any of this with HIM anymore.. this is NOW about talking to YOURSELF, beefing up your own self worth, the healing starts inside of YOU.. not by what he does or doesnt' say, or what he knows or understands or whatever.. if you love him, let him go... If you love yourself, let him go.

 

and as far as other people go, from now on if someone asks about him, or about you and him, just say, "wow, that's been an emotional roller coaster, one that I finally made a choice to get off of, and I wish him only the best".

 

That is the truth, the classy, self respecting truth... in time you will look back and see this relationship as a "speed bump" on the road that is your life, you caused you to slow down a bit, hit your head on the roof of the car, knock some self respecting sense into yourself, and grab hold of the steering wheel again, and look ahead, no more looking in the rear view mirror it will only cause you to emotionally crash... look ahead, the road ahead is the path you are suppose to be on, stop resisting it...

 

Instead choose to be in acceptance.

 

Look ahead with courage, pride, and know that yes you will be sad for awhile because you have to mourn the loss of what you "thougth might be with him" but now you realize "it's not there with him right now"... so moving ahead, steering YOUR OWN life, will attract the right kind of emotionally sound, and loyal love into your life.. it starts with self love... and that's one baby step at a time away from the "emotional habit" you've allowed this guy to become in your life, you have the same power to break this habit, and cry, smile, cry again, but all the time moving forward with your own engine of power.... not his.. he doesn't have any fuel for you.. plain and simple.. it all is within you to heal with the help of friends, yourself, and all of us here...

[NyGentleman]

Listen to the flip side of this, than maybe you can see some other perspective...What I wrote about being the guy on the other end of this, where the girl is the one leaving because of commitment issues and not being over an ex...

 

I can honestly say she still thinks this chump is the best thing for her, (even though the track history says different) that is whats in her head because thats all she knows...

 

I come around the best friend with feelings for her, and try and sweep her off her feet from all the drama, while it works for awhile, it doesnt work forever and ultimately the nice guy (me) who was there for her through thick and thin, through all the depression of the ex and the feelings of worthlessness i was there, and made her feel like the beautiful girl that she was again, got her back on her feet...thought i would be the savor and the new bf with a new love and bc we shared all of our own history it would make me the #1 guy in her mind...

 

Boy was i wrong, the minute the ex came back, the weirdness now with me...and wow was i blown away....she walked away from me..reasoning well same as what your going through...which means we are going through the same things here, the only difference is im in NC for about a week and your a month now? Anyway, dont give in, be strong and know that everything will be ok, remember when one door closes, another opens somewhere else, be excited that now you can meet someone new who will be everything that you wanted and more, the rest of your life awaits you, dont sit around and waste time on this anymore its not worth it and ultimately that person isnt worth it either for walking away from someone great, like the two of us....

 

I would like to take my advice, but i feel as if its still early in my case even though i am in NC..i feel as if i was used in some way but i just cant get over the fact that i was the best for her and she turned it down, walked away and doesnt care anymore....its a crappy feeling and hopefully i will meet a girl one day that makes me realize that those girls are just roadblocks to the good ones..

[kate111]

Yes true.

 

Also I owe him nothing anymore. He definitely didn't respect me in the way he broke up with me so stuff him. He can think what he likes about me. If he chooses to wipe his hands and not think about me- well then it's his loss. If he thinks I am incapable of change and he is "done" with me then he has underestimated me.

 

If he is too cowardly to face me ever again then that reflects on him not me.

[gwen89]

Hi Kate. I just want to tell you that there are others out there in similar situations to you if it will make you feel any better. My ex wanted to breakup with me about a month back as well although he wasn't very clear cut about the reasons why. We were tog for almost 2 years. Anyway, he did it in the meanest way possible when I was in a foreign country all by myself, not waiting till I returned. And he then sent me 2 emails sorta explaining why. I chose not to reply to any of them because I felt extremely hurt by what he had done to me. This was a guy I cared deeply for and if he couldn't appreciate that, he was not worthy of even my replies because I felt I would be opening myself up to more insults, criticisms and vulnerability to his manipulations. I know it hurts and there are some days when I just cry and cry and feel like calling and hearing his voice. I hope it'll get better soon but you know you're not alone on this..

[kate111]

I suppose the best thing IS to be selfish. But unfortunately this is hard when you have been thinking of another person for so long.

[lady00]

I suppose the best thing IS to be selfish. But unfortunately this is hard when you have been thinking of another person for so long.

 

I think maybe you just have to try to think of it this way: the other person isn't thinking of us or our feelings, they are only thinking of their own so why should we think of theirs?

[kate111]

I think maybe you just have to try to think of it this way: the other person isn't thinking of us or our feelings, they are only thinking of their own so why should we think of theirs?

 

Yes exactly.

[mariab.]

Kate, I was feeling that way today too- wanting to contact him..All b/c I felt guilty abouth that stupid check thing..Do you feel any guilt? Maybe if you examine YOUR motives for talking to him, and I mean the deep deep ones, the inner child. Do you want to talk to him to hear his voice? Closure? (again) a feeling he might tell you something you want to hear? A feeling that you are the better person? You've given me some good advice and I hate to see you torn now. My advice is to let it sit for a day or 2. Go do yoga, see an acupuncturist, take a walk in a park and look closely for the signs of spring, a time of re-birth. I know it sounds cheesy but stop looking at it as a piece of a mosaic, but the whole mosaic-what I mean is think about the Spring, re-birth new things, into a new year. Look at the world around you, expand your horizons. Have a goal, that by the end of spring you will have accomplished a goal for yourself-learn a new language, book a trip to some place you would never go to but hey it's cheap, read a memoir of a strong woman in history a week...Look forward, heck put blinders on if you have to, but sit on it for a few days- and you can pm me if you want! cheers