6 Months On, Still in Pain - How to Forgive one's Self?

[GuitarmanIII]

Hey All, they say 'it gets better in time'. It's been well over six months now, and I can still drop and cry at the flick of a switch. I miss her so much, it's eating me inside. I cry almost everyday...

 

To make it worse, the end of our relationship was all my fault. We were a 'friends with benefits' relationship for over a year and a half. However, we were each others confidants, best friends, and lovers. Soul-mates for a time, if you will. We have so many things in common, it's uncanny.

 

But life is about choices.

 

When she demanded 'more' last summer (becasue she was being courted feverishly by a new guy) I balked/hesitated...I guess I thought I could continue this immature behavior a bit longer. For a week straight, she begged, pleased, cried for me to be exclusive with her, and I foolishly/nervously denied her.

 

While she was being courted, by her now live-in bf, she would tell me about her 'sex' with him...as if I was just a guy-friend...for some reason I let her tell me these things...I knew when she pulled an all-nighter with him...and dammit it's eating me ALIVE even today.

 

I loved her but never told her until it was too late.

 

Because he was first, she suddenly chose to date the new guy. She tried to make small-talk with me at first, as if nothing had changed, and could remain friends. But I was crushed (I knew I'd made a life mistake) and commenced NC.

 

Apparently a month later (October), he dumped her because she was so sad, and missed me so much. She told him that it felt like she was cheating on me. She told him that she'd slept with me while he was courting her...but he forgave and took her back...and I know she'll never leave him.

 

Now that the dust has settled, I can see more clearly my error in judgment. I'm mad at myself, which is worse than being mad at someone else...I screwed up and am having a terrible time forgiving myself for:

 

1. letting her go

2. not making an honorable woman out of her

 

She is such an awesome person and has such a kind caring soul...and I took her for granted.

 

All she needed was a chance, and I'm guilt-written.

 

She wants more than anything to be my friend again though the bf forbids her from talking to me.

 

Deep down I'm HAPPY for her, and I know that her bf is an awesome guy. In many ways, as it turns out, he's even better than me (for her)...so my pride is shot to hell. But I cannot be her friend. She moved in with him and is very happy...and I feel so petty and jealous.

 

And I feel like no one will ever again understand me like she did. The word 'idiot' keeps bouncing in my head..over and over.

 

I will move on in time, but not just yet I guess.

 

Thanks, I needed to get this sap story off my chest...

 

G

[Orlander]

No, the other guy is NOT better than you.

No, you were NOT the only one to blame in this.

No, you are BETTER off just saying goodbye to her and moving on.

 

Learn to forgive yourself as you forgive others and you are halfway there. Forgiving yourself also includes doing the right thing...for you and that means giving yourself time and space to heal.

 

 

Orlander

[Lovestragedies]

Alright, first off, I question your love for her if you had this "friends with benefits" relationship. Lust and/or infatuation does not equal love. Perhaps I'm wrong, but bear with me. I'm not trying to condemn you. When you say "more," I'm not sure what you mean, so that could be an error in my theory. As for the rest of it, she needs to have a talk with this guy and explain to him that she just wants to be friends with you. If she's very happy with him, then he should understand. Let me also say that it took me at least a year to get over my ex, so you're not a hopeless case. You're still young, and I don't doubt that you'll be able to meet someone. Sometimes relationships are ruined because two people have too much in common. Some characteristics simply do not bode well with one another, despise the fact that it gives you a sense of security. That I understand, because I've been there. My ex left me for another girl who turned out to be not too far from the role of a succubus, so don't be too presumptuous. I was under the impression that she was that much better than me too. You deserve a handful of respect for allowing her to come first, but you also need to understand that she will not be the only one to spark feelings.

 

Best wishes,

Elena

[GuitarmanIII]

Thanks for your words guys. I've been bottling my feelings since Christmas because I hate to keep pestering my friends and family with this story. I felt like I got a big hug here.

 

Lovestrategies, by 'more' I mean to say that she wanted to actually be my girlfriend...to be exclusive with me. Though in fact we were really dating, we had never met each others families or friends. She often told me that I'd regret not dating her...I'd always ignore her words, which have come back to haunt me.

 

I've had so many setbacks because she kept calling me, and even rubbed her happiness in my face with a deliberately cruel invitation to her myspace page. She knew it would hurt me, and it did. My fault for looking...albeit only one time...that was enough.

 

I'm positive that I am more than infatuated with her. It's easy to see things in the past I suppose. I'm stuck spinning my wheels in neutral. I'm stuck in a moment and I can't get out of it...

 

Orlander, you are always a sage with these issues. I think your signature says it all...

 

I can't wait for Spring!

 

Thanks,

 

G

[Lovestragedies]

I understand. It's absolutely normal to have feelings of regret, as I'm sure you know. But the main thing is, what happened happened, and I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. That's what takes me out of the hole of regret. Just focus on the future and realize that you will get through this. It may seem like you won't, but I can promise you you wll.

[Pegasus]

Guitarman,

 

I know it's hard, I went through it myself (and still not there yet). The only thing I can say is that you really have to act as a real men and just go through it. Don't whine too much because it will be much harder. You have regrets and that is totally normal so don't obsess on those regrets because it will get you nowhere.

 

Live your life day by day and after a while it will become a bit easier. Don't hate yourself because you already got punishment for your actions. It's like a prisoner that asks himself when in jail "why did I do it?". You and I both did some * * * * and now we have to live with consequences. It is not nice in any way but that is what we got. Hopefully in the future there will be a chance to make it right with some other person. Use this story that happened to you as learning experience and don't do the same mistakes again. What happened, happened. There is no way back.

[GuitarmanIII]

Hi Okie, I like your reference to being in jail. Very interesting point of view. (Perhaps my guilt is akin - similar - to 'doing time') The only difference being that I'm the witness, defendant, judge, jury, and warden...all in one. In all of us, we have the power, if willing, to leave.

 

I am doing my darndest to shut up and move on...that's why I'm so glad this network is here. I'd recommend it to anyone...anytime. Sometimes the best medicine is catharsis - talking - venting - then eventually healing.

 

We all need a pat on the back at times, eh?

 

G

[Pegasus]

Sure we do need that pat on the back when things get ugly. And I know very well that it is so hard to stop judging yourself for what you did or didn't do (and you think you should have). I know it is told million times and I never believed when people were telling me but - it gets better with time. It is not perfect at poing where I am now (it's 8 months after BU) but it's definitelly easier. There are still regrets but they are deeper and deeper under the surface every day. Hang in there, it will be ok.