Saw my ex... now what?!! Suggestions!

[roxy79]

Ok. Quick recap. My ex and I broke up about 3 years ago (I posted tons on this). We stayed in a touch for a while after break up. Then I decided to cut him off. Didn't talk for almost a year. Hung out with him once last year in May. Talked on and off. Stopped talking for a good 5-6 months. Recently in November starting talking again. Now we talk a couple times a week. Had my FIRST "date" with him in almost 3 years on Monday.

 

We met for drinks. Had awesome conversation. Laughed a lot. We kissed in the parking lot. We both agreed we should do it more often (or again).

 

What do I do now??? I do not want to screw this up. I have been waiting (not literally) for 3 years for us to "go out" again, alone. We broke up because he said he could not be in a relationship and take care of someone else when he couldn't take care of himself. bad timing i guess.

 

Any suggestions on how I go about this the right way?! I just hope that we are getting a second chance to make it work this time.

[Locke2121]

Don't commit! Stay as open as possible so that you can't be hurt by him until you know for sure that he really is the one.

[roxy79]

Well I've waited 3 years for him! And have dated a bunch of tards since then and he's still the one who makes my heart patter.

 

Is it okay for me to ask him out again? He is extremely shy and isn't one to put himself out there... that's why I'm thinking I may have to do the contacting until he is more comfortable with the situation. I mean it took him 3 years to feel like he could "go out" with me one on one.. so...

 

I'm just not sure where to go from here.

[Locke2121]

Is he ready for a mature relationship this time?

[roxy79]

Well that's what I'm assuming... I don't think he would be talking to me and really dont think he'd "go out" with me just to be friends. We haven't really been friends in 3 years, why start now? That's why i'm assuming he might wanna try again. He's 31 and he is NOT friends with any ex girlfriends. So why would I be the exception? right?

[bacci]

Hi,

well, you were kissing and I assume that's more than friends especially given your history. Wait and give him a chance to ask you out again, he probably will since you had a great time together. You waited for three years , don't rush it now.

All the best ,

B

[Jayar]

Chill! Don't ask him out. Believe me, at LEAST 80% of what is attracting him to you right now is the fact that you have been gone from his life more or less for 3 years, and the fact that he gets to chase you.

 

There's nothing wrong with that either! Just cool it, don't be obsessive, and don't be easy. Pretend you learned something over the last 3 years. DEFINITELY don't let on to the fact that you've only dated tards and hope you will never have to again because you want him for ever and ever and ever. If anything, play it like you've dated so many great guys that you aren't sure if he is even the one for you anymore.

 

LET HIM COME TO YOU! Let him earn you. Otherwise he'll probably just decide at some point that he wasn't that into you afterall. If you continue on the path you are going, you will in VERY short order completely devalue yourself and reassure this guy (who HURT YOU, remember?) that you really can't do better than him... And maybe it will make him reevaluate why he's so into you anyway. Your goal now should be to increase your value for him. And that doesn't happen by chasing him like a rabid monkey.

[disgruntledbaker]

whoa whoa whoa

 

while jayar is right and you shouldn't be running headlong into anything and playing it cool will definitely make you more attractive, careful about the whole pretending every last guy you were with was a stud.

 

i don't wanna hear about ex's or former dates or lovers or any of that crap when im with someone. i don't share that stuff because its not important who i was with, only who im with now. i expect the same courtesy from the girl im with, because if she isn't i feel insulted. why would i want to be compared to the last beau? im the one thats here NOW. thats all thats important.

 

getting the impression that a girl im spending time with still crushes for former guys or thinks they out perform me in the one way or another only makes me want to spend less time with that girl, not more time.

[Jayar]

No no no no... I want to clarify I did NOT mean to BRAG about all of her study conquests. But it is clear in her mind that HE is the be-all and end-all, everyone else sucks, and trust me (being a female) it is EXTREMELY easy to allow that to inadvertently come accross to her guy. It can be as simple as saying something like "it is so refreshing to be with you again! The last three years made me realize how great you were..." To a girl that seems sweet. To many guys, especially one that DUMPED HER at one point and is now only revisiting the idea of a relationship, it COULD mean "I'll wait for you another three years because you're so great, so take your time and drag me along as long as you like"...

 

The best is to play it very very cool. If he asks about past relationships, say you have seen a few people, and you've been having fun being single. That's all. Don't lie and say you haven't dated, but don't say something like "oh my GAWD yes I have seen a few people and they ALL SUCKED!!! They were nothing compared to you!!!"

 

(even though that is CLEARLY what you will be saying inside your head)

 

Edited to Add: For clarity, try to CONVINCE YOURSELF in your own mind (because you obviously are not in this mindset presently) that he isn't the be-all and end-all for you, there are others and possibly better out there for you, and if he wants another chance with you he has to prove it and deserve you. Right now you sound like you feel like YOU are so fortunate that after three years he is ACTUALLY entertaining the idea of seeing you again, you even go so far as to say you WAITED for three years. That mindset will kill your chances with him, believe me.

[roxy79]

I would never mention my exes. Only if he asked questions. I'm happy and proud of myself that I have dated a lot since him, and did find a few to be pretty great, just not THAT great.

 

I guess what I'm looking for is... how long should I wait before I contact him again. My life is way different than when he and I dated before. I actually HAVE a life now, whereas before, I did not. I truly don't have a lot of free time and don't feel the need to see or talk to him everyday like before. Which is a good thing!

 

I just want him to see that I am doing my own thing, yet I'd still like to include him in it somehow. And I hope he wants to do the same. Maybe he is sitting back thinking about what a great time he had Monday as well and is wondering when we should get together. I'd love for him to make the next move and ask ME out, but part of me doesn't see that happening. He's very shy and never likes to put himself out there.

 

what do ya'll think?

[Jayar]

I guess what I'm looking for is... how long should I wait before I contact him again. My life is way different than when he and I dated before. I actually HAVE a life now, whereas before, I did not. I truly don't have a lot of free time and don't feel the need to see or talk to him everyday like before. Which is a good thing!

 

You DON'T contact him. You continue living your fabulous life just as you did pre-kiss from your ex. You don't call him. You don't text him. You don't e-mail him. You don't accidentally bump into him in his driveway.

 

Believe me, if he misses you and wants you (and if there was ANY meaning behind that kiss) he will call you. And if there wasn't any meaning behind that kiss, why would you want to see him again anyway?

 

Believe me, nothing will come off more false, or reek of more desperation, than calling him to basically communicate that you don't need to call him because you have a life. Ya know? What BETTER way can you honestly think of to communicate to him more effectively than ANY words would that you have a life that is just great without him, than not calling him? Don't you think that if he wants to pursue you again he will? You aren't giving either yourself or him enough credit.

 

My only further advise to you is that IF this goes somewhere (because he pursues you) keep your own life forever. Otherwise you'll find yourself in the same boat as you were 3 years ago. Never forget that, and then you should have a very successful second time around... If he wants to.

 

All the best!

[lady00]

 

Edited to Add: For clarity, try to CONVINCE YOURSELF in your own mind (because you obviously are not in this mindset presently) that he isn't the be-all and end-all for you, there are others and possibly better out there for you, and if he wants another chance with you he has to prove it and deserve you. Right now you sound like you feel like YOU are so fortunate that after three years he is ACTUALLY entertaining the idea of seeing you again, you even go so far as to say you WAITED for three years. That mindset will kill your chances with him, believe me.

 

I agree with this 100%. I really think it's important not to think of him as the be all and end all of relationships. Rather think of it this way: he's a great guy you'd like to get to know again and if things work out then great. Take things slowly. Good luck!!

[roxy79]

Also... I do not think he is the "best" out there. I am seeing and dating a few others and I am continuing to meet other people as well. This all transpired two days ago!! When I said I've waited 3 years for this... I meant I still adore him and would love to date him again. But I truly did not wait as I was in at least one serious relationship since him.

 

What I'm saying is I think we are a great match, so why not try again? I have learned so much since we broke up... I have grown tremendously and in a since, am a different person... yet the same. I do have others in my life, other than him now.. which I think will make a huge difference if we start dating.

[roxy79]

But why wouldn't I contact him? I find that obsured. I've always contacted him, we've been flirting and talking with each since Septemberish... and I feel comfortable sending him a text etc. That's how I got us here! If I hadn't talked to him on monday, we wouldn't have had the date later that night. Sometimes you have to take things into your own hands, why leave it up to fate?

[disgruntledbaker]

i think it comes back to respect. or "power" in the relationship, if you want to look at it that way. in order for there to be a common or middle ground, both people involved have to be willing to come to that middle ground and work equally hard to maintain it. if its only the one of you doing all the working and the other reaping all the benefits...

 

you may have done a lot of the leg work to get the relationship to where it is, and thats even more reason to let him make the next call or take the next step. make sense?

 

and everyone else, correct me if im wrong...

[kate111]

Awesome advice.

[shadow34]

Ok well seeing this is about different opinions on here..hehe

 

Im going to throw caution to the wind and completely disagree with everyone...

 

So you went on this fab date and it all went well. Thats great and absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. The break up happened 3 years ago and you both should not hold any resentment or ill feelings towards each other because of it. Life has gone on as you have said for yourself and has been pretty productive and happy.

 

This man hurt you in the past. But that is what it is, the past. We cant keep this mindset that love is a game and that someone who hurts us has to make up for it in some way, thats not right. You either choose to forgive and let it go or you dont. There is no way of sugar coating it, there is no inbetween.

 

Of course I dont think you should go into this full force. But I do believe that after all of this time has passed, that you contacting him or texting him or emailing him is not going to push him away in the least.

 

It seems you have grown immensely and perhaps he has too, thats something by the sounds of it you are willing to find out. It's been a long time and you feel you have been brought back together , " a second chance".

 

The only way to know his intentions are to sit down and talk to him. If this scares him off, well hey he obviously has not matured at all and you definitely dont want to be in a relationship with someone like that at all.

 

Why people are afraid to communicate, I have no idea. But it is the only way to find our exactly what his intentions are. Something simple like " Hey I enjoyed your company the other night, would love to do it again" and with that Im sure it would progress.

 

Things arent always black and white and I am an advocate of NC and letting them contact you and all of those things. But I feel each circumstance is unique and you have nothing to loose by talking to this man you adore.

 

The worst that can happen is he says Im still not ready, or I just want to be friends or Im homosexual ( no offense to anyone by the way )..then atleast you can move on instead of sitting back and wasting more time wishing the phone would ring etc....

 

I dont think you are disrespecting yourself in any way. Your not begging pleading or doing any of those crazy things...Im quite sure that guys get sick of always having to make the moves.....

 

Baker boy made a fantastic point, you have to find a middle ground and you both have to work hard at it to maintain it.

 

You perhaps could have a second chance, go slowly of course but dont let it slip you by...the past is the past and thats where it belongs.

 

Sorry Guys, this is just my personal opinion

[roxy79]

I don't hold anything against him. What is in the past is in the past. It wasn't good timing for him back then and so maybe now it's a better situation for both of us.

 

I think I will continue to keep it light with him. If I don't hear from him in a few days, I'll send a cute little text. I do not want him to feel threatened or pressured on any level, which is why I'm playing it cool and NOT rushing things.

 

I don't think there is any harm in me contacting him. When we first met, he gave me his number, I didn't call for almost 2 mos, and he didn't try to persue me once. I might add that he and I see each other on a daily basis from afar Aug-Feb every year. (normally we dont get to chat, only hello's and how are you's.)

 

I feel I know him well enough that I am able to put myself out there and extend MY hand to him. This was a HUGE step for him to meet up with me and I hope it cause he finally DOES want someone back in his life. (he's been single and hasn't dated any women since we broke up).

[roxy79]

PS: He did say when we were parting Monday night "It was real nice to see you again, it's been a while, we should do this again." so.... with him saying that, I'm assuming he did have a grand time and he is still fond of me.

 

Also the fact that we kissed a few times leads me to believe he still digs me. I figure if he was turned off by it or if it wasn't his thing, I think he would have said "good night" and ended the night. But he didn't, we kept talking.. and another kiss would be thrown in... talk some more and then one last kiss goodbye.

[JOYl]

i ditto everything jayar said 1000 percent!!

 

Let the guy come to you now,

he may not be ready , let him come to you when he is,

dont ruin this now after 3 years by jumping ahead of him .

Let him contact you when he is ready.

 

no sweet little texts, NOTHING.

[mca1975]

i dont think you should go there, if it didnt work the first time why would it work again, you may be a bit older and wiser now I guess..??

 

definitely just let him come to you, do not chase him whatever you do! be relaxed. but if you are not relaxed, and you clearly arent, how are you going to relax if you do get with him? would you not be worrying all the time about if he was going to finish with you again?

 

be careful

[shadow34]

The whole point is, it is a new beginning for her and No she wouldnt be thinking he would end it again....the past is the past....

 

Love isnt a game, I think just go with your heart hun, you have nothing to loose contacting him and if he has a problem with it, well he cant want to be together too much.

 

Hugs hun

[roxy79]

Thanks Shadow. I agree with you. It's been 3 years!! We basically are strangers but we aren't... and that's what makes this different. I don't feel like he'll hurt me again... I dont want to be cautious! Why should I be walking on egg shells all the time? I want to give it a chance.. new time, new beginning, new people.

 

I don't plan on smoothering him! I don't plan on taking up his free time. I'm not going to overwhelm him. I just want him to be able to be comfortable and relax and see that it is okay to hang out with me. I don't think sending him a text would scare him away... if he didn't appreciate it... he and I would not be conversing as human beings at this point.

 

I think each situation is different. But knowing his him and his past, I think I know how to do things this time around. And giving him ample space is key, but I also need to let him know that I enjoy him.

[roxy79]

welp. unfortunately I heard thru the grapevine today that he only went out with me on monday "to be nice." Isn't that just special. So.. I guess there is nothing more to say or do. Cause I feel like an idiot that I actually thought he wanted to see. Didn't realize it was a pitty party he was attending.

[disgruntledbaker]

i don't buy it. at least some part of him was curious to see how things would go. what he says and what he feels are two very different things...

 

but that shouldn't give you hope, really. while what he says and what he feels are really two different things, if either of them are hurtful or disrespectful to you then kick him to the curb. he's not good enough for you or for anyone if thats how he treats people, even if all he did was say that to a mutual friend. those sorts of words are painful, and both the speaker and the listener know that.

 

don't let your self esteem suffer, and definitely don't risk your heart again over him. sounds like bad news. it would take a hell of a lot of groveling on his part for me to consider giving him any sort of second chance at this point... like weeks of groveling.