Just A Question....

[miss_dyme]

Is it possible to tell wether a guy is scared to be open to grow with you for a possible relationship or he is just not that into you?

[Batya33]

In either event, he is not available for a relationship although it helps the ego to know that he is scared as opposed to more than not interested.

 

It is difficult to tell since "scared" is often an excuse. One way to tell is if over time you see that he is not dating anyone else either and has not dated anyone in the past number of years.

 

Typically the man is not scared - so I typically would presume that he is just not that into me.

[arwen]

I agree with batya, although of course there are (wo)men who turn very shy when they like someone, I take it you mean just 'afraid to commit', right?

 

In addition I think that it's even harder to distinguish if someone is really into you for a committed relationship or just for a more physical relationship.

[rocio]

It is possible. More details please!

[rocio]

I disagree with the above. I think there are alot of men out there who have been hurt, either by previous girlfriends or by other people in their life, and are not ready to open up. Perhaps they had a controlling, jealous girlfriend, and are afraid to get back into a bad relationship. Perhaps their ex was physically or emotionally abusive. Maybe they were sexually abused by an authority figure in their life. Perhaps their mother was emotionally abusive. Or maybe he's just afraid of being hurt, with no direct cause.

[miss_dyme]

At the mo im really battling with this...

 

Hes never ever said hes scared, i think 4him that would be showing he is weak...

*i kno hes VERY insecure

*His actions speak louder then his words..i.e he says stuff like if we are out at club " it wouldnt burn me to see you gettin hit on by guys...but then when i do hes running over asking wat did he say..then ill be very overly couply with me like im 'his'..very effectionate.

 

*i have a myspace..he thinks/feels im 'doing stuff' with others...yet i always reassure im not..he always tells me 'he doesnt wanna kno about it.

 

everythin is just so confusin theres so much more to this..

 

Many times i will try to go with what he says...but ive always believed actions speak louder..DO THEY?

[Batya33]

Sounds like he only wants you when you are unavailable. That's not scared, that's game playing. Listen to what he says - no man who is that interested in you would want you to choose another man over him. You're making it confusing by putting up with it - but the message is clear - for whatever reason he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you but he doesn't want anyone else to either in case he has a dry spell or feels needy and feels like hooking up with no strings attached.

 

I think men can be scared but the result is the same - not available for a relationship. Telling the difference - at bottom, who cares?

[miss_dyme]

kamuji: so so sorry i think i was editing while u must have been..apologies x

 

i know he has been hurt quite bad, comes accross as 'the nice guy who gets hurt'

Had a very difficult up bringing.

Its been difficult for me to get him to open up , he does to a point..then backs off sayin he needs to set boundaries with me.

Its as if im 'to good to be true'

[miss_dyme]

At the mo ive backed off..taken a huge step back..

 

Evaluating the whole situation..

He still reaches out..not in a sexual way..actually im not sure why...and it always comes from him..i just act like im not botherd..

 

its hard tho coz i do miss him, when we are together everythin just feels so right.

[rocio]

Yeah, it sounds like he's playing games.

[miss_dyme]

Sounds like he only wants you when you are unavailable. That's not scared, that's game playing. Listen to what he says - no man who is that interested in you would want you to choose another man over him. You're making it confusing by putting up with it - but the message is clear - for whatever reason he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you but he doesn't want anyone else to either in case he has a dry spell or feels needy and feels like hooking up with no strings attached.

 

I think men can be scared but the result is the same - not available for a relationship. Telling the difference - at bottom, who cares?

 

Could it be that thats what he expects of me? U know, to chose another guy over him...

Could it come from his insecurity?

If we are out in public together..i dont act overly couply..cz he made it clear...YET will cuddle me etc in front of everyone..and ask me why i havent shown him any affection....

 

i think to much i kno

[Batya33]

Most people I know would not want a person they are romantically interested in to be with someone else because they are insecure. If that was truly the reason - they were too insecure for a relationship - they would want the other person to be happy with someone else and would thereforeeee not act "couply" or affectionate because of course that would be confusing, mixed signals, etc

 

The question is -why do you care what the reason is? He does not want to be in a relationship with you - whether that is because of disinterest or insecurity or a combination, who cares?

 

Here is what I would do. Tell him - I want to date you and for some reason you do not want to date me. thereforeeee, please leave me alone so I can move on and find someone who wants to date me. If you change your mind and want to date me, call me and if I am still interested and available we can go on a date. Until then, no contact please because your actions are confusing and acting jealous is confusing to the other men who seem to want to date me.

[miss_dyme]

Hey batya33..

 

I have more or less done exactly that..i guess i just wanted other peoples opinions on this as ive always just worked it through on my own..

When i recently told him how i felt about him i said it would be good to kno there could be some kind of 'growth' with us..he then wen to to say...theres better then him out there, i can do better, he wants me to be happy..very very mixed signals

 

Still i kno i cant make him feel anything he doesnt

 

thankyou xx

[Batya33]

No, you're not doing what I suggested - which is fine, just pointing out that you're not. You're continuing to spend time with him even though he is not treating you with respect and even though you two are not on the same wavelength.

 

No you cannot force someone to be attracted to you but sometimes insisting on no contact unless the person changes his or her mind forces the person to see what life is like without you and perhaps then in missing you they realize they made a mistake.

 

A man who tells you you can do better is saying, in a euphemistic way "I am not romantically interested in you but instead of saying that I'm going to tell you to find someone else."