i've wanted to crumble...

[mintblossom]

this title says it all. i've wanted to crumble, to self-destruct completely. i still have those moments when i hurt so much because of everything that's happened. i want to fall apart again. to give up.

 

but i don't. i keep on going. i keep on trying. everytime i've fallen.....i've gotten up again. even when i've been hurt and it feels like im limping away with the blood pouring down....i've still kept trying.

 

through the bullying in school. the abusive relationships. being set up by nasty men. being abused by men. personal, financial problems. losing job. having no friends etc. my life is nothing like i want it to be....

 

so i keep going. even though it's so hard. i survived everything and i'm still here. i dont know why i keep trying.......except i dont know what else to do. and if i give up...i wont have anything left.

 

i keep going to my job. keep saving money. keep talking to new ppl. keep trying to find real good friends. keep polishing myself. updating my resume. etc........sometimes ive wondered if it matters, i've lost so much selfworth and selfrespect by being messed around by bad men.......but....i just can't let go.

 

i keep on going and i wonder if i'll ever see results.

[arwen]

Hey teardrops,

 

It seems you've been going through an awful lot in your life. Your post shows strength, and the willpower to get at that point in life where you want to be. I think that once you learn how strong you are, what your great characteristics are (don't we often get to know ourselves best in times of hardship?), you will also be able to gather a group of good people around you. I am sorry you were used and abused by men. They are not all like that. Don't let anyone take what you got away from you. You are a unique and great person. Keep the power to yourself, and walk away if someone is bad for you.

 

I am sure that there will be a time of 'harvest' for you. You work hard, and every struggle also offers insight, you know? It seems you are on a good road. I think what you need most of all, is to respect who you are and love yourself. If you can't, who can?

 

Take care,

 

Arwen

[musicguy]

I'm going thru a similar situation as you are, minus being abused by men I keep going to my job too (same low pay), try to save, end up spending it on bills. I have my friends tho and they are great, but I don't talk to them often. Things will get better tho

[mintblossom]

thank god i have therapy today. im tired of sounding like the victim and sounding so troubled. i feel sick and tired but i just dont know how to pour my feelings out except to write it down.

 

i hope this hasn't been overkill because i know i sound angry and bitter and hurt and ashamed and embarrassed. argh...i dont want people to kick me down anymore. sick and tired of being sick and tired.

 

sick of being a whiner. sick of waiting for him to come back or apologize. (i know...incredulous right?) sick and tired of it all.

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

I don't think you are acting like a victim at all. It's normal to be in pain if you've been hurt that much. It's a good thing you are in therapy. If you are tired of being sick and tired... girl, can you do something that you know will give you energy? Do you sport? It can really help a lot to set some new goals, but goals that are 'fun' to obtain. Like joining a choir if you've always loved singing, or kickboxing if you feel you need to get rid of some aggression. The thing is to bend what is so negative in your life now, to something you can use. Turn sadness and anger into energy.

 

I hope this helped,

 

Arwen

[mintblossom]

i think most of it i can handle.....sometimes it seems like i'll never finish school. i feel so discouraged and behind and i have to drag myself to go do so.

 

my job is okay but i wish i had a better job with benefits.....it's pretty comfortable but i feel unfulfilled.

 

relationships - i have so much difficulty with this.....a lot of issues come up for me because of the bullying and abuse.

 

it hurts to have met ppl that wanted to use me and take advantage of me when they saw how vulnerable i was/am. that is the worst. im already so lonely and feel pretty low and to only meet men that just want to use me for sex. i feel even sicker.

 

sometimes i don't know how i will survive. i wish i had more love and care surrounding me.

[Gus Almighty]

Good Morning lady, I just wanted to give my thoughts on your feelings.

 

Sometimes when people feel like that it is an indication that they are searching in the wrong places for love. It almost makes me feel like you are meeting guys that you found online which from what I have seen is definitely not the best place to go because the internet is a haven for guys who are just looking for a fast opportunity for sex. If I am wrong on this then I do apologize, I have just had some friends that have had that experience.

 

Despite that, try taking things a bit slower with men in the future. Don't be afraid to make them go slow for you so you have the opportunity to see them for what they really are.

 

Then you won't waste as much time on the bad ones in the long run and have more time to spend with one thats right for you.

[Gus Almighty]

i think most of it i can handle.....sometimes it seems like i'll never finish school. i feel so discouraged and behind and i have to drag myself to go do so.

 

my job is okay but i wish i had a better job with benefits.....it's pretty comfortable but i feel unfulfilled.

 

relationships - i have so much difficulty with this.....a lot of issues come up for me because of the bullying and abuse.

 

it hurts to have met ppl that wanted to use me and take advantage of me when they saw how vulnerable i was/am. that is the worst. im already so lonely and feel pretty low and to only meet men that just want to use me for sex. i feel even sicker.

 

sometimes i don't know how i will survive. i wish i had more love and care surrounding me.

 

Also, you have plenty of love and caring from those here. We will be more than happy to work you through your pains and help to build you into someone who feels good about themself.

 

Perk up lady

[mintblossom]

hi there...

i try to stay off the internet actually. i don't like chatting, it's not the same as having someone around.

 

it's hard. i don't think i can date because it opens me up to all sorts of vulnerabilities. i feel too fragile and scared now, so uncomfortable.

 

i really have the desire to connect with someone but i am just not emotionally healthy anymore. and i feel physically sick as well because of the hurt.

[arwen]

hi there...

i try to stay off the internet actually. i don't like chatting, it's not the same as having someone around.

 

it's hard. i don't think i can date because it opens me up to all sorts of vulnerabilities. i feel too fragile and scared now, so uncomfortable.

 

i really have the desire to connect with someone but i am just not emotionally healthy anymore. and i feel physically sick as well because of the hurt.

 

What happened to you that you feel this way? I just wonder, please feel free not to answer if it's too personal.

 

I think it's not bad to stay away from dating until you feel better about yourself. Do you have friends, family nearby? You sound so lonely I wish I could go for a coffee with you to cheer you up a bit!

 

Arwen

[mintblossom]

What happened to you that you feel this way? I just wonder, please feel free not to answer if it's too personal.

 

I think it's not bad to stay away from dating until you feel better about yourself. Do you have friends, family nearby? You sound so lonely I wish I could go for a coffee with you to cheer you up a bit!

 

Arwen

 

well, i dont like chatting because i cant read facial expressions, hear tone of voice or feel a genuine connection. i cant remember any real conversations i've had on aim and while it's a good way to connect with people that are very distant and far away...i prefer face to face contact. im good at picking up on clues in a person. it's just i never paid attention to them in the past.

 

also, in the abusive relationship, long parts of it were where i would be on aim and he would ignore me on purpose. i would know he was there, but he wouldn't answer. aim is impersonal and slimey men know that.

 

thanks for the coffee offer, that is quite sweet and it is the thought/intention that counts. sometimes i think i am really lonely....and other times i am okay. i am more in the stage where i just want to lean on a close friend's shoulder then to go out there making new connections. but since i have been betrayed so many times, i dont have any close friends. i prefer to be on my own because it feels safer and i am more stable and centered.

 

i am gradually processing all my issues...layer by layer like an onion. it's been very slow and many times i take one step forward and two step back, one step forward, two steps back, up and down...though gradually i am more stable. i think i could write a book about the recovery process after abuse!! the pitfalls, the misteps, the hazards, the uplifts, the healing, the pain....all of it. who would have thought?

 

i think the therapist does not think that it is just the abuse that has affected me. it is actually an interplay of different effects that led me to this point today.....it all combined to affect me in a certain way and i made choices that hurt me even more only it's until now that i can really begin to see it. i can even map it out now!!

 

i appreciate the responses to my posts. i feel more faith that there are decent, genuine people in the world. that is so important to know.