I need help getting into dating

[Marcus Fenix]

I am currently in my 2nd year of nursing; it is no surprise that females outnumber males in my program (approximately 4 to 1)

 

the confusing part is, I seem to have little difficulty making jokes or talking to the girls in the class as long it does not pertain to dating. If a girl in the class shows what i interpret as interest in me, the situation changes. I tend to become very passive and defensive in these situations. It is as if, I would rather not try at all, then try and fail.

 

I feel that it is likely that I overestimate the probability and effects of failure. Even if a girl seems to be giving multiple signals, I am reluctant to make a move since the chance of success can never be certain. It can be argued that the chance of success is essentially zero if I do not make a move, however there is a difference between the results of a failure due to not making a move, and a failure due to (asking a girl that was not interested, asking at the wrong time, asking in the wrong way, etc.)

 

If I take no action, I risk less. I worry that if I am unsuccessful a number of times, that i will develop a reputation throughout the class as a pest. I could

approach girls from outside my program, however by nature I am an Introvert

(personality type INTJ) and I find it difficult to approach someone who I do not know anything about.

 

What I would like to know is some ways to show interest in a girl that have a low potential for overly negative effects.(safe moves that even if I fail, not much harm will result). I realize that I tend to overanalyze matters and to not take my feelings into much account, however attempting to figure out a problem which I know very little about seems futile.

 

Has anyone persevered over a similar set of problems? Perhaps I can learn from and be inspired by your experience.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA Marcus_Fenix! Great to have you here.

 

I can relate to your situation for sure. You have no problem talking women casually but as soon as there is the idea of romantic interest, things change. For some reason, this idea triggers fear, negativity, and insecurity. Any idea what that reason could really be?

 

And it is just that...an idea. I think you are thinking both too far ahead and too far outside of the situation here in that you perceive and worry about becoming a "pest" to others. In many senses, you are simply overanalyzing such situations, this is generating defensive illusions for some reason, and you just need to let go of this. The key is developing a mindset for yourself to get around this restriction.

 

So my advice to you is continue to make jokes and talk to women just like you are doing. The change I suggest you make is instead of looking at the situation as one of "success" or "failure" look at it as the possible development of a connection with another human being. You are just talking to her today. Tomorrow you'll do the same thing. If not, come or go with this, it is no big deal. You still have a great life outside of this and many more possibilities for meeting people.

 

If a real connection, a basis for at least spending some time together outside of class, results, you will feel that and this feeling will likely put you more at ease with the situation.

 

If things don't seem right to you, then let it go. Don't make something out of nothing and/or think you'd be "chickening out" if you don't complete some mission to "succeed" in such situations by pursuing something deeper that isn't there just because of the presense of "signals".

 

And don't think for a second your "probability of success" is zero if you don't make a move. Especially in your situation and the 4:1 ratio girls-to-guys, women are likely to make moves on you, ask you out, things like this.

 

So just keep doing what you're doing but when you sense the fears and worries creeping in, catch them and realize they have no basis because they don't. Refocus to the present situation right in front of you right then, build some rapports with people, and readjust instead of restrict your natural inclination to overanalyze in this way in assessing your feelings and observations about these rapports and pursuing something that you really feel is worth taking a bit of a risk for, which at that time won't be much of a risk because the progression into a romantic setting will likely be easier for you.