Question for Dumpers

[PrincessDiana]

When you end a 7 year intense relationship with someone, and do so after having started another relationship with someone else 6 months before you broke off your primary relationship....when the woman you claim to have loved for 7 years never contacts you or fights to win you back....would that ever be something that would bother you or that you would think about? Or are you just happy in your new life and don't ever think of the person you cheated on and abandoned.

 

Thank you in advance for honest answers.

 

Hurting like heck in Chicago...

[blender]

Well the fact is his feeling right now are not a part of your precious life journey.. all that matters right now is YOU. And to remember that he's in the "newness" phase of his relationship with a new person, but eventually he will run into himself, and have to live with his choices.. and the BEST thing you can do is to maintain "no contact".. and not fight for someone who is not making a loving intentional effort to be in your life.

 

Remember he made a CHOICE TO CHEAT, and so I hope the girl he is with now knows the age old saying of: "if he'll do it with you he'll do to you.."

 

I think we learn more about the ex from the "way they end the relationship" then from the way they "began our relationship"...

he was a coward, a cheater, and it's too bad that he "revealed" these flaws after seven years, but thank god you now can see HIM clearly and YOU are free to celebrate YOU... not him, but YOU.

 

and you must remember that you are suffering the loss of "hopes/dreams" you ATTACHED TO HIM.. but those hopes and dreams are still very much alive for YOU, so re-attach those same hopes and dreams back to YOURSELF... they are not "HIS" qualities, they are YOURS... he's proved he is not able to fulfill them in your life.. or even his own, any guy who has the "ability and flaw of character" to cheat, then overlap a relationship and move on so quickly, well it says so much about who HE is, then it does about YOU...

 

Your heart is aching because you are mourning the loss of 'WHO YOU THOUGHT AND HOPED HE COULD BE'... so for today, choose to be in "acceptance" of who he's actually REVEALED himself to be... and you won't be aching for the "cheater" for too long a time...separate your "feelings from the facts" about him on a piece of paper, see how many of them "match up"... you might be surprised how much of what you "love about him" is from YOUR hopes and heart compared to what he;s "revealed about himself" does not even come close to what you "feel" he "could" be.. because the "fact" is, his "choices of behavior" mean he's no longer worthy of you.

 

YOU deserve, a loving, mature, honest, intentional effort from a man who shares your values and who will cherish the intamcy, respect and trust that is so important for a relationship to be healthy and fulfilling....

[Wandering_Sword]

That is some great stuff you said there blender

[terk2021]

 

When you end a 7 year intense relationship with someone, and do so after having started another relationship with someone else 6 months before you broke off your primary relationship....when the woman you claim to have loved for 7 years never contacts you or fights to win you back....would that ever be something that would bother you or that you would think about? Or are you just happy in your new life and don't ever think of the person you cheated on and abandoned.

 

Thank you in advance for honest answers.

 

Hurting like heck in Chicago...

 

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I think that most of us that have been fortunate enough to find this site have been through similar situations. It's easy to sit outside and try and give advice to someone who is going through what you are. I am not writing to explain my specific story, but I can tell you that last year my relationship ended with my fiance about 1.5 months after she canceled our wedding.

 

I began writing on this site to vent, to seek advice, and to really try and understand. It's been 8 months since, and to be honest, I don't know if I have the answers. I can tell you that I wrote, called, emailed, and sent text messages to her to try and figure it out, to try and win her back, and to try and understand just what went wrong... She came back twice, only for short time periods. Why? I am not sure. Each time she left, it just hurt that much more.

 

Would it bother me? Absolutely!!! You deserve much better than that. Will it hit him at some point? Yes. Try and spend time with friends and family, and those around you that you are close with. Write, vent, and grieve, and let it out. It's not a question of revenge, but the best thing you can do is not let him know you are down. It's OK to be down, but the faster you can accept and move forward, the better.

 

Looking back, I wish that I never went after her once I asked her to move out of our dream house (glad it was only in my name ). I still hurt from time to time, and I am sure it will continue for a while. I remember watching my friends go through similar situations and telling them everything happens for a reason. It's been there turn to remind me of that for the past 8 months...

 

I wish you the best, and hope you keep writing, and venting on this site.

[PrincessDiana]

Blender, as always your words bring comfort to me. I struggle as I try to blame myself for all of this. I wonder if there were things I could have done differently. The biggest issue I struggle with is that we were both in marital separations when we met. His divorce became final a year and a half ago. Mine was more difficult, as it involved assets that had time restrictions, so attornies advised my estranged and I to stay in a state of legal separation until said assets were free to negotiate, at which time divorce could be processed very quickly. The assets were of significant value, and my BF, being a CPA knew all about this kind of a situation and he entered the relationship knowing the facts up front. But I still wonder if I drove him to cheat. I gave him everything you can give someone in our relationship, along with the promise of my divorce. I even blind copied him the emails where I was working on the asset dissolution so he knew progress was moving forward. I try to focus on the fact that he deceived me with a married woman, (he is their CPA too so he knows that she was married and what her husband's income was) so obviously my being legally separated (legal documents in place) was much further along than sleeping with a woman that was still living with her husband. But.....for some reason my mind keeps replaying what could I have done to save our relationship.

 

I know...I am stupid.....but my heart is in the way of seeing him clearly and I thank you all so much for continually reminding me of who he truly IS.

 

Blender, you are a God Send....thank you...from the bottom of my heart.

[PrincessDiana]

Terk,

 

Thank you for taking time to reply and share your thoughts. You are so right when you say I need to keep venting, writing, etc....there is so much pain inside of me as my life was ripped out from under me so abruptly, and done in such a cruel and cold way. When he sends my mail, he hands it over to his receptionist and she sends it to me in a preprinted envelope. It's as if he and I never shared a warm and loving life together.

 

He does know that he devastated me as a friend of mine, unbeknownst to me, emailed him and ripped him up for what he has done. She spared no words as she asked him to please send my things back to me so I could get closure and make some semblance of my life. He sent back most of what I asked him for with the exception of 3 things...my bike, my video camera and the tapes I had made of our life together, and a wireless router. To date I still do not have these items and it bothers me why he has not honored my request. He knows I have not asked for ALL of the things I had bought for our life together....this is all so confusing to me. How he could be so warm and loving to me, even while he was cheating on me, and then switch to so cold and callous literally overnight! It is no wonder I am absolutely shaken to my core!

 

I am so sorry for your pain and heartache too.......Lord knows I would not wish this on my worst enemy....I hope that you have found some comfort and when you do....I want to go to that same place if you can guide me there.

 

Thank you for listening......so much. This pain is horrendous. I am not living , I am merely existing.

[Daddy Bear]

It's impossible to tell for sure from your posts in this thread whether he feels any guilt over the way he treated you or not. Unless you're leaving something important out about the nature of your relationship, it sounds like he's thinking with the wrong organ and I doubt that he's introspective and empathetic enough to feel your pain.

 

A married woman? He's digging his own hole. You, on the other hand, can walk away with your self-respect and dignity and find a man who stays, if that's your desire. I'd rather be you than him!

[PrincessDiana]

SomeBloke......I am a stable, warm, loving, compassionate 47 year old, and am financially stable also. He was jealous of my career, a successful day trader, as he told me that when I asked why he never gave any respect to what I do. He is 42. He hired this 28 year old married woman to work for him in Feb. of 06. She has a young child and an addiction problem of some nature. He began his affair with her in May of 06 and lied to her about who I was. Told her I was a "friend" of his that he was helping get through a rough patch in my marriage by letting me stay with him. She believed him. All the while, he is leading me to believe we are headed down our path through life together with the goal of marrying once my divorce could be finalized. He saw the assets that were waiting to be exercised, and he saw the value of them so he knew that I had to wait in order to bring more into our union. During the 6 months that he was deceiving me with her, and aiding her in getting her to leave her husband and file for divorce, he was home with me every night, we traveled the weekends and took two trips together in September. He showed NO SIGNS of our relationship deteriorating! Sexual intimacy decreased some but he said that was due to stress at work...but we still had so much affection and warmth..and yes....sex too. When I began suffering from anxiety attacks, is when I decided to come back to my home in IL (we lived in PA) and see my Dr's. He called me and told me I had scared him and stressed him out with my anxiety attacks, that he was going to take a hiatus from our relationship to take a step back and figure out which way he wanted to go, that I was such a huge part of his life he would not do it all at once. He felt he was the cause of my anxiety. I asked him at that point in the call if there was someone else, and he said no..why are you accusing me. 28 days later, when I requested communication with him regarding our relationship he then broke us off with an email. He never spoke to me about why....and I discovered the information about the other woman a month after he ended "us". He turned so cold once he ended us. I stopped emailing him upon receipt of his break. I only sent two. One to say I was sending his keys back and then one the latter part of December to request my valuables and sentimental items back. He has sent all but 3 things on my list. To date I have not received them but have not contacted him at all. I am too upset to do so.

 

His coldness towards me is shocking...as the very last night we spent together, his hand was searching for me in the night and rested on my back...as he has always done since the first night we met. My mind simply cannot come to terms with anything..as nothing he has done has made any sense. If he wants me out of his life why would he not send me all of my belongings I asked him for?

 

Thank you for listening............

[Daddy Bear]

You deserve every bit of your property back, not only because it's yours but also because you need closure. Get someone to intervene on your behalf (the police, if it comes to that) to reclaim your things. My advice after that: don't have anything more to do with this guy. Don't throw away the time that you could be enjoying on your own or with someone faithful and true.

 

Hugs,

SB

[blender]

It's not YOUR fault that HE cheated, it has nothing to do with you. And it won't be the woman's fault he's with now when he cheats on her..because yes he will most likely cheat on her as well...once the drama and newness wears off between them... he will once again, "repeat his pattern". He's a coward. plain and simple.

 

Every person has a "choice" on how they behave. He made a "choice" to cheat, it doesn't matter "why" it's "how" he CHOSE to behave.

 

The FACT is, no matter how you "feel" about him... He had the option of being a decent man, to have come to you when he felt that he wanted to go "outside" the relationship, all he had to do was to have the courage, self respect, and decency to sit down with you, or call you and explain that he could no longer be in a committed exclusive relationship.

 

He didn't have to tell you about wanting to be with another woman, but he SHOULD HAVE had the class to break off one relationship before starting another, that is HIS problem, and it has nothing to do with you.

 

I know you can find all kinds of excuses for his behavior, such as "he probably didn't want to hurt me and tell me because I was having some of my own emotional problems".. but that is NO EXCUSE for how HE chose to behave... look how much more he ended up hurting you anyway..right?

 

So, there is NO excuse for the way he treats women... so please remember this is not YOUR fault, the only thing you can work on for yourself is "why" you choose to take on all the blame, or emotional responsibility of this relationship, because that is not "accurate or realistic".. he made a choice to behave in a not so classy way and that "defines" HIM, not you.

 

Your hurting, your aching for what you "hoped and thought" he could be..and soon I pray you will find some self forgiveness and also to "accept" him as who HE revealed himself to authentically be, and that is a man who makes a choice to cheat, run away, and also doesn't follow through on having even the decency to return your belongings..

 

I hope YOU realize YOU are more precious than any 'belongings" he may still have, and that you might be able to "let go" of the "stuff" he has made a choice to be such a coward about returning to you... because having any contact with him right now is not going to be "good for you"... so if the possessions of yours he still has are "valuable" then have a friend get them back for you.. but do NOT contact him.. take care of YOU right now.. take time to heal and re-gain some perspective and balance on what really took place between you.. it was NOT your fault...

 

You can't "make someone love you", and you can't "make someone cheat on you" either.

[terk2021]

Princess, I am not sure if I have reached comfort yet, but I have good days and bad. As far as property goes, you do deserve your stuff back. The question you have to ask yourself is if it is worth it or not. Material things are replaceable. I did so much for my ex and her actions since have shown me what type of person she truly is. I don't wish for revenge, but I trust that someone up there is looking out for me.

 

It sounds like you are a successful individual and have stability in all other areas of your life. It sounds like you have some good friends around you. I basically wrote off the things I did and bought for her. As far as finding a better place, you will find it in time. It's definitely a process. If someone invented a cure for heartache, the would be very, very, very rich.

 

I guess the best revenge for you is to live well. Keep up with everything else in your life, and trust that your man is out there. He is not your problem anymore. Feel free to send private message anytime you want to.

[PrincessDiana]

Blender,

 

I truly appreciate your insight and I read and reread all that you and others write. God knows how I hurt inside and how badly I pray for this pain to end.

 

I will reaffirm your assessment that he is a coward with this piece of information. When he broke us off, he gave me no reasons whatsoever. When I asked him if there was someone else, he said "No, why are you accusing me." His email gave me no reasons....other than "what is there to say when it is over." He DOES NOT KNOW that I learned about his cheating and that he started this 6 months prior to our ending. I did not tell you that during this 6 months he was leading me to believe that we were headed for marriage. He was doing things that reassured me of that! His deceit was unbelievable and that is why my head is still just spinning!!! When I became ill with the anxiety attacks is when he made a very fast exit, but until then he was DOING things that made me feel secure. For instance, I had not seen his son for 8 months, but suddenly in August he invited me to go golfing with the two of them, which was a HUGELY significant event. In 6 years time I had seen his son less than 10 times! So I felt really good when he invited me. We went furniture shopping in August with him wanting me to pick out what I liked for our home together. In September, he met my former mother-in-law and sister-in-law because they were so important to me and we all had a wonderful time! We took two trips together in September with him being so thoughtful and warm to me. How could he do all of this when he was building a life with someone else behind my back? And he was lying to her too!

 

Blender...my head just spins..my mind can't find rest...God knows I am trying.....but I just cry. There was no deterioration in "us" that I could see...and then suddenly he was gone the day after I got out of the hospital.

 

Thank you so much for caring........it means more than any words I can write.

[blender]

I'm so sorry it hurts so very deeply, but this is just sign of how fully YOU can love.

 

The rest is not about you, it's "him".. he's a man with a "life pattern" that was in place long before you came into his life...

 

when you say that there "was no deterioration of us".. well that is YOUR "feeling".. because the FACT is, HE was never fully committed, he doesn't know how to do that, with anyone... that is a "fact".

 

this is a man with a son, who leads women to believe they will be a part of his life, who takes women furniture shopping and weaves a web of "comfort and a future".. because in the "moment" it makes HIM feel "empowered, important, and needed"... but he's a guy who re-acts to "moments' not deep down sincere loving, loyal, mature, long term, emotionally responsible, committed LOVE...

 

I promise you at some point you will be full of gratitude that this man is out of your life and that he left you.. FATE/GOD..have a way of doing things for us that we wouldn't do for ourselves.. and although you have many sincere deep "feelings" for who you thought and hoped this man "could be" in your life, the "fact" is, he is not emotionally capable of being a sincere, mature, stable, kind, loyal, honest, committed man...

 

think of him as an "emotional bridge" fate put in your path at the time, something you needed to emotionally cross over to a stronger, more mature, happier YOU... you will gain strength from this experience, a rediscovery of yourSELF.

 

Through the "opportunity" of a broken heart, you will discover, that You are strong, wise, caring, loving, kind, and you will rise above all this pain to see him more clearly.. and separate your "feelings from the facts". It just takes time, I've been there...and the good news is, it gets so much easier, better, and empowering, once you finally get to "acceptance".. and eventual 'relief" that you are no longer putting energy into a deceitful man.

 

So for today whenever you have one of those "confusing memories" of things he did with you that "indicated something of deeper meaning for you"...whether it be taking you out with his son, or his kindness, or his buying furniture, or his talk of marriage.. write all those down..and also write the "feelings" it provoked and provokes in you right now... write out all those "moments and the feelings" and then write next to it IN BIG LETTERS the "fact"..

 

FACT: "He's a man who made a choice to spend time with me, romance me, yet he also made a choice to cheat, and run away, I would never in any self respecting way want to be with someone who is capable of such deceit, and an immature, insensitive, cowardly choice, thank god he's gone from my life, thank you god."

[kath123]

if you were to read my posts you would see such similarities..the way my ex broke up our relationship,his coldness thereafter,and the way he was still so loving even up to the day he left.

I like yourself didnt plead with him to stay, in fact i completely avoided any contact with him for months.

I thought he was happy with his new life and partner but often wondered if he ever even gave me a thought.

After a few months he did make contact,he realised he was not happy..and the issue of my no contact etc came up..his response was,. even though he had his new life, which he had choosen,the fact that i didnt care (so he thought) tore him apart,he couldnt understand how i could let him go so easily!!Little did he know what i was going through at the time..

But when alls said and done, it doesnt matter what your ex thinks about you and how your feeling,,thats only for you to know,because hes not there to help you anyway,. you have to get through this in your own way..it will be hard and so painful,but you will get there..im still trying and its been nearly six months but week by week i can feel myself getting stronger..

I also truly believe that the type of people our exes are will never be happy they will always want something more no matter how much they already had it will never be enough..

So dont think for a minute you could have done things differently,because to do so would probably have changed you as a person,and nobody should be expected to do that!!

be strong now and focus on you you you...

im thinking of you

kath xx

[PrincessDiana]

Kath, thank you for your kind thoughts and your perspective.

 

I doubt he ever contacts me again. He abandoned me when I was suffering from anxiety attacks...he turned so cold so quickly, dumping this emotional blow on me when I was sick and did it so suddenly...out of nowhere. He won't contact me.....he is too cowardly to ever show his face again.....

 

He retains a few items of mine that I requested back. Most men say it is because he is keeping a connection...I just don't know...all I know is I hurt like heck...and the pain is overwhelming. Dealing with abandonment so suddenly, loss of love, life ...dreams, betrayal, lying and deceit...so much to comprehend when dumped on all at once...mind and heart overload......and he gave no reasons or answers. He was just suddenly gone.....with a coldness I can't phathom.