No clue what to live for.

[desperately worried]

This is basically a continued story from my other thread I made in the Relationship Conflict forum, please look at that too. I can't link to it.

 

Yesterday I told my girlfriend the truth. I told her that I sometimes thought about having sex with other girls. I told her that I have been lying to her about looking at pornography. I would tell her that porn is horrible, and I would never look at it, but the whole time I was looking at it.

 

I swore on our relationship months ago that I would never look at porn again. I said that before I quit World of Warcraft. She believed me, and never thought I looked at porn. It lasted for a while. I didn't look at porn for like two months. Then one day, I just caved in. I started looking at it again. I started pleasuring myself looking at it, and for months I let on a charade that I was not looking at it and that I only thought about her.

 

Now she is depressed. She doesn't love me anymore. She hates me. She just canceled our plans to go to a basketball game in March that we were both looking forward to go to because she didn't want me to ruin it for her. She keeps telling me she is not enough, and she will never believe me again. I am completely devastated. I don't know what to tell her. I don't know why I looked at porn and lied to her about it. She says I never loved her since I would look at porn and lie to her about it.

 

I am afraid we will never be happy together again. I will do anything for her to get her back which begs the question why I looked at porn in the first place. If I loved her so much, why would I look at porn and lie about it? I swore on our relationship that I wouldn't look at porn, but I kept it from her. I tell her I won't look at porn again because I want her back. She tells me I should never have looked at it in the first place if I really wanted to be with her. She said I made my choice, and it was porn.

 

The thing is, I don't want to look at porn. I never did, but I could not control myself. She's told me that it's like I cheated on her. She thinks I would cheat on her if a hot girl would start taking her clothes off in front of me. I told her that is not true; I would never be a cheater. She won't believe me. She says I've already lied about looking at porn, so I would lie about cheating on her.

 

I'm going to try to go to a psychiatrist to see if I can change. But what's the point in changing? She is severely heart broken. I told her all these wonderful things about her, and she believed me, but they were all lies. Now that she knows, she doesn't want to be with me again. She doesn't care about me at all. She doesn't care if I live or die. I don't care if I live or die. And that is all that matters.

 

She has taken the offensive as well. The guy that was mention in the thread I created earlier is now her "husband." She tells me she thinks about him while masturbating, and she tells me that she would * * * * him. She told him she loved him last night, and showed me that. All of the comments we left each other on Facebook and MySpace are gone. I loved them so much. They were precious to me. Now they are gone forever. All the words of love I put on her Facebook and MySpace now seem meaningless. I am not even her top friend on MySpace anymore. I hate this. She left me so many cute .gifs on MySpace that said "I Love You" or "Happy Valentine's Day" and they made me feel so special, but now they are all gone. All of the comments saying "I Love You" are gone.

 

It's hard to think that only 24 hours ago this minute she called me after she got out of the shower so she could tell me she loved me. I was never so happy, and she was never so happy either. Last night, she made me come clean about everything. All of her feelings changed. She did all of that stuff last night. She hates me. She hardly wants to talk to me. She doesn't want to be with me anymore. I can't handle it.

 

I really don't know why I looked at porn. I knew that it would break her heart, and I would tell myself never to tell her. It would be a normal day. I come home from school, and I just lounge around. Then all of a sudden I get this idea in my head that I want to look at porn. It is too hard for me to fight. I tell myself it's bad and I don't want to look at it, but my body just takes over and I give in. Afterwards I tell myself I hate myself and she is going to find out. I made myself promise multiple times never to do it again, but I ended up doing it the next day.

 

I am so depressed. She is more depressed than I am. I am depressed because I feel like I love her more than anything and I want her but can't have her. She is depressed because she knows I wanted to look at porn and not think about her. She has told me that she is not enough for me. She cried to me on the phone today. A while ago, a number of times we would talk about sex positions. She told me then that she didn't want to try a lot of positions because she didn't want me to get bored. She didn't want me to get bored because she didn't want me to get bored that I would look at porn. Well, now she realizes she was stupid for thinking that since I was looking at porn anyways.

 

She can't think about us having sex anymore. Whenever she masturbates she thinks about me having sex with a random girl, or me looking at porn. She thinks about other people, and moans she loves them when she orgasms. This is just devastating me. I want her back. I told her I will not look at porn again, but she does not believe me. She says I can look at porn and have sex with all the girls I want. I don't want that though. I want her.

 

It's hard for me to type all of this up. There are a lot of other things I have probably left out that I will add later. I just don't see any reason to live. She was all I lived for. I only wanted to live because I was praying that I would be able to spend my life with her. Now she might be out of my life altogether, and I will never feel the same way again. I feel empty inside. She was the only one that gave me the passion to live. I don't want to live right now since she will never be in my life again. I'm bawling my eyes out typing this very post. My family would miss me, but that doesn't mean enough to me. The only thing that means anything to me is her. If she never loves me again, I want to just go die. I don't want to live without her. I think about all the things we had and how I destroyed them. I think about all the lies I made her believe. I can't cope with it.

 

I can't cope with the fact that it may be over. I love her too much. Why did I lie to her? I don't know. Why did I look at porn? I don't know. My entire life came crashing down. Everything is pointless to me. School, family, everything. She is my only real friend. She is the only one I have loved. I do not love any of the girls I have thought about. I do not desire to be with any other girl. I just want my sweet Arielle back.

 

How can I deal with these feelings? I feel stupid and useless. I have caused her so much pain and torment. I deserve to be like this. I deserve to be shut out of her life. I deserve the fact that she doesn't want to be with me ever again since she doesn't want me to hurt her with more lies. That doesn't change the fact that I want to die, however. I think about just the other day, Tuesday, when I last saw her. I told her I loved her, and she told me that she loved me. I have all these wonderful and happy feelings about her. I am so distraught. I have a box full of things that remind me of her. I have a note from her that she wrote a month ago saying how much she loves me. I have all these things that remind me of her. They will make me cry every time I see them. I have baby pictures of her. I have little gifts she gave me.

 

Thinking about all these things sends me into a compulsive bawling session. I want it all back. I want it all back. I want it all back. I can't be happy without her. I will look at her Facebook and see her married to that guy. I will look at her MySpace and see the empty space where my comments used to be. I will look at her MySpace and see the empty space where our little adopted alien was. All of these memories make me so sad. I hate this feeling. I don't want to live like this. I can't stop thinking about her. She will not believe anything that comes out of my mouth anymore.

 

It's over. I can't deal with it. If my relationship with her is completely gone, I have no passion to live. I don't want to breath. I don't want to cry. I'm always going to cry. I am always going to love her. I am always going to look at my possessions that remind me of her. For heaven's sake. I have candy boxes from Valentine's. Just thinking of the love of those candies, and the day that we spend together, can have me crying all day. I hate myself. I want to die! I don't deserve to live after doing all of this. I hate this life. I want it all to stop. I want to be with her again. If I can never be with her again, then I don't want to be alive.

 

I hope she loves me. She told me a part of her wants to forgive me and take me back, but she says she doesn't want that now. She says it could happen in the future, but all this torment right now doesn't make me want to continue feeling this depressed. I can only imagine how she is feeling. She loved me more than anything. She wanted to marry me. And I LIED TO HER. HOW COULD I DO THAT TO HER? I am so selfish. I only care about my feelings. I love her so much though. I feel so lonely without her. I don't want to think about never doing anything with her again. I have never been so happy in my life.

 

I keep typing and typing because there is so much on my mind. I don't want to die because there is a chance I could still be with her someday, but I want to die because there is a chance I will never be with her. My life just feels empty and pointless. Her life is numb. Why do I keep thinking about myself? She is going through much worse than I. She has cried more than I. She has cut herself because of me. She has been through so much worse, and she manages to live and get over it Why am I so weak? Why am I so worthless? Why can't I be as strong as her? Why am I such a wimp that I cave into everything? I hate myself for everything I am. I just hate myself more than anything. I'm sitting in my dark room just bawling my eyes out. I don't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. I just want her to be happy. I don't know if all this torment is worth living for.

 

She means everything to me, but I still hurt her. I feel so bad about it. I don't know how to help her feel better, or how to win her back. She said if I got help to lower my sex drive, and stop looking at porn, she might take me back. She still won't believe anything I say though. Everyone thinks I am a liar now. And I am a liar. I'm a horrible liar. All I know is that I love her more than life itself, so if I can't be with her than I should have no life.

 

I am constantly reminded about her moaning that she loves her "husband." It's a weird coincidence that his name is MY MIDDLE NAME. Yes. His name is James. My middle name is James. I'm never going to forget that she has said she loved him. It hurts more than anything. I know she is hurting much worse than me. I am just so confused. I don't know what to do. Why should I bother to live?

[Dako]

You're in a world of hurt right now, and she must be suffering too.

In time, you might be able to talk about this.

 

Some women feel very threatened by porn, as your gf does, and unfortunately they don't understand. Other women don't care at all, and enjoy watching it as well. Did you like porn before you met her? If you did, it would be unwise to say you didn't. Lots of guys seem to hide their smut from the gf for fear of upsetting them.

I'd suggest you try reasoning with her after she calms down. Even if you two don't stick together through this, you should consider being honest up front instead of risking your relationship. Yes, you were wrong to lie to her, but you probably meant it when you promised not to do it, just as a guy will promise to quit smoking and sneak a few.

 

I know this thread may fill with porn vs anti-porn rhetoric, but you seem hurt enough right now.

Please try to hang in there. This isn't the end of the world.

[desperately worried]

Thanks. She seems a little better right now. She told me she loves me, but she has to feel ready to say it again. I'm going to go to a shrink, and I'm installing anti-pornography programs as we speak. I want to show her that I'm going to stop. I hope it works out.

Edit: I did like porn before I talked to her. I liked it long before I talked to her.