Call it a day?

[Blizzard]

Been with my guy nearly 6 years, married 4 years. It has never been easy since the beginning, he still had his ex and his contact with his children to deal with and, I was led to believe it was all sorted out.

 

He hardly took me out, and spent time with me. The only time he was really happy was when his children were visiting. This is the only time my son from another relationship, and my hubby did nice things, the rest of the time will be working and sleeping.

 

Hubby's Mum was ill and blamed us for the illness, the family hounded us for 7 months before threatening court proceedings to evict us, we left before this happened. We both had good jobs and gave them up.

 

We move 2 hours away to be near my family, stayed with a relative who bled us dry. We was made homeless.

 

The local council made things worse for us and wouldn't house us. The person who worked with me got too involved with me and there became an emotional attachment. Huge disagreements took place between us all.

 

Hubby and I briefly split up.

 

Then my childs father died :sad:

 

My child was then diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome.

 

I lost two jobs in this period.

 

From hubby's Mum becoming ill onwards has hit us in one year.

 

Our problem is this - Hubby says he loves me but doesn't do anything with me. I try to tell him what I want, he says he'll do it and doesn't. I feel awful for turning to another man, so have tried to communicate with hubby what is going wrong.

 

Hubby thinks I don't love him, have tried to show more towards him but to be honest my feelings for him are not there like they use to be.

 

One minute I feel I do want him the next I don't. He feels logically we should not be together because of what has happened, but his heart is telling him to stay.

 

Just would like to know what people's intake is on this? Reading between the lines, what is happening to us?

 

Blizzard x

[Beec]

I think both of you are not meeting each other's needs. And you have stress on your relationship that is stressing the bonds between you. You telling him that he needs to do things is also you telling him that he is not good enough. An affair won't help. Work on meeting his needs, work on loving him. And then, he may meet yours.

[Blizzard]

Hey,

 

I kind of liked this other man but did not follow it through and tried working on my marriage. I realised it was an escape and thought better of it. I was in a vulnerable situation and saw this guy through rose tinted glasses.

 

I am trying to rekindle what I felt for him but each day is worse as he constantly picks up faults in the relationship between me and him and, my child and I. He was moody over me buying him some trainers?! It makes me think for heavens sake! He has said that what has happened is all about me, but he must love me to stay with me

 

When I feel positive - ie- do something around the house etc he'll play on his pc all day. When it comes to going out I don't have much interest anymore and, can't wait to get back home.

 

Blizzard x

[astaro]

He has said that what has happened is all about me

 

that is a big red flag in my eyes, someone that can say something like that has serius issues with fessing up to their own problems. and it sure does sound like he has one or two.

[Blizzard]

We've been through alot I guess - Do you mean issues with me? If so, he says he does all the time. He tells me he wants to be this way, but I can't be that way and it makes him annoyed. I get low because I fail him.

 

I've said 3 times this week, most in a week - That I think it's best if we move on...But both of us do care for each other. I can see where I want to be with him and vice versa but we're not reaching it.

 

I'm unhappy, I'm low I cannot concentrate on my child - However, I'm not sure if it's because of what we've been through or if it's because I'm not happy with him

 

I'm very low and I'm scared that if I let go, I make a huge mistake.

 

Confused!

 

Blizzard x

[astaro]

no, i mean problems in himself. i dont believe there is such a thing as a relashonship braking up 100% due to one side. generaly when a relashonship ends both sides have caused their share of problems.

 

i have never seen a one sided coin before

[Blizzard]

You may have a point..

 

His first marriage broke down, he adored her very much, she is the mother of his children. He put his heart into it and achieved his dream, but it went pear shaped. She was going out all the time, while he worked all the hours to keep her happy. Apparently, she was ideal and he was very proud of her, couldn't put a foot wrong. She booted him out.

 

He went to Counselling, and when I met him he appeared to be quite a strong man, 2 years after break up we got together. Although, he was always interested in what his ex was upto - He says because of his kids.

 

Blizzard x

[Cyberchick]

Hey there... Maybe you should try couples therapy, it might help your situation.

[Blizzard]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Blizzard x

[Blizzard]

Just to add...

 

This morning I feel like I do every morning...

 

I feel we have something and it's a brand new day at starting again. He's at work atm, the moment he walks in that feeling fades, the arguments kick again.

 

I just so long want to be happier and, have some good fortune come our way to pick us up!

 

Blizzard x

[Beec]

Well, the arguments are something you fear, they bother you. To some extent, he is getting the tule of the roost by using these arguments. Stop that. Really. Stop seeming as if they have any effect over you whatsoever. When he yells and argues, sit there, smile slightly at him, and when he pauses look at him as if he is a little boy throwing a tanturm, and ask him if he is done yet and if it made him feel better. He will feel as small as can be, and if you continue, then the arguments have no effect and he stops trying to sue them.

[Blizzard]

Hi Beec,

 

It's something we both do.

 

You know something, I think it has helped writing what is happening because I feel it's me...

 

I mean, we've been through a hell of alot...When he's not with me, I see our dreams and goals...When he walks through the door, I see the pain and sadness, I see the down mood and this brings my pain back to me, then it all starts..Wishing there was something what I can be happy with. I think we both tend to analize each other's comments and think that one of us is having a dig about what has happened.

 

I'm at that miserable place where I think I want more than this unhappiness, I want a job, I want to do better for my child, I want to feel we have something instead of looking around me thinking everyone else has it all...I'm stuck because I've tried but not getting anywhere.

 

Blizzard x

[Beec]

If it is something you both do, then stop. It will not improve until someone takes the initiative.

 

Why we go for someone really is almost scientific. We go for those people who meet our emotional needs and wants, and remains independent and aloof, not needy or clingy, does not make too many demands upon our emotions or with their emotional needs and wants. It seems to me as if neither of your needs is really being met. But you can meet his needs and he can meet yours, because you have each done so. So start, meet his needs, make him happy.

 

Once someone's needs are met and have been met, they become dependent on the other person and will do anything to keep it. So meet his needs, and he will work to meet yours. It's pretty much a scientific formula.

 

Begin however by just not fighting. You don't need to comply with all of his requests, just begin by agreeing and then seeming if you need as if you had forgotten.

[Blizzard]

Thankyou Beec!

 

We've been doing alot of communicating, and telling each other what we can do for each other to move forward, neither of us really want to give up on our marriage and want glee back again.

 

I am doing the positive steps towards making it better, so far hubby hasn't. I'm giving it time to see if he can come round.

 

Unsure atm if him being down is because of me. See what happens.

 

Blizzard x

[Beec]

Well, when you have been giving and get fed up, don't get passive aggressive, aggressive or make demdns or anything, just withdraw. Act like nothing is wrong or up, but just not be there. Let him miss you and your attention.