interesting Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 Here is the deal and any advice would be helpful. I have been seeing my girlfriend for 2.5 years and things have been all and all good. We are both currently 27 years old for point of reference. After new years this year she told me that she needed time because she could not continue dating me if things did not change. I have always been very devoted to my work and work upwards of 60-80 hours a week, something that she knew from the get go. As things progressed in our relationship I stoped seeing her as often during the week because work was taking a toll on me. We would however always see each other Saturday nights and Sundays. In September of this year I started studying for the GMAT and told her that I could only see her once a week because I had to concentrate on the test. I think this was hard for but she dealt with it. After my test I was consumed with other things and even though work was slowing down I did not see her as much as could have because I was unsure about our relationship. The straw that broke the camels back was this new years eve. Her birthday just happens to be on new years as well and she really wanted me to be with her. In the past she has understood that I always hang with the same group on new years and it has never been a big deal. This year though it sent her over the edge. If I could change anything I would go back to that night and made sure I was there for her. After new years we met up and this is when she told me that I had exhausted her and she was unsure if she had the energy to continue. This made me realize my wrong doings and also made me realize how truly important she is to me. I really want to be with her but she says she needs time so that she can see if I really change. She told me that she thought I was going to walk away from the relationship when she said that she needed time. She also said that my reaction to her has blown her away in a good way but she still needs time. From the get go she made it clear that we were not broken up, rather she just needed some time to figure out if she could continue and I could change for good. Do you think this is over or do I just need to show her change???? We still talk multiple times a day and she still tells me that she loves me. She also says that we should only see each other one night which includes staying the night together a week for now. In the mix of all this she recently started a new job. What do I do? I don't want to smother her but at the same time what drove her away was my lack of attention and availability. All of this I wrote at the beginning of January right after it happened. I will post a follow up right after this. Link to comment
interesting Posted February 20, 2007 Author Share Posted February 20, 2007 Thought I would give everyone an update and see if anyone had any other advice. Things are slowly getting better and she is being much more receptive to me accross the board. I have been available to her but have not pushed myself on her, wanted to show her that I am willing to make her a priority which she is appreciating. She claims that the change has been great to date but that it has only really been a month and half of which she was gone for a week and half of on business. She also claims that she still needs some time to be sure that my changes are for real and not just to get her back. I have spoken with her friends who all seem to like me since they contacted me because they thought something was up, I guess she did not really tell them her plan. She told them only that she could not continue if I did not change my ways. They all want things to work and think that they can as long as I keep it up. The one thing that is driving me crazy is the lack of sex since all of this went down. We have slept together 3 times since all of this occurred. We see each other often and she wants me to stay over and then just cuddles and kisses and says that sex will come again in time. Before all of this she always wanted to have sex but says that she does not want our relationship to rely on it. This past weekend we had a great time and actually started to discuss the next steps (marriage) assuming everything continues as it has been. The only thing that is tough for me is that I realize how I was, I continue to show her that I have changed but she is still a bit apprehensive???? The one thing that is strange is that she has this ski house up north and she always wanted me to go up there. Since all of this happened she has not asked me if I wanted to go? She is going next weekend and I said I would love to go and she said she thought she was going to go on her own. I asked her why she used to ask me all the time and she said it was just so she could spend time with me, and if I want to go skiing we could go to a different mountain for the weekend? This is a little odd to me? Thoughts on everything anyone???????????????? By the way we have done any no contact because she said that is not what she wants. I feel that no contact would hurt things because the issues stemmed from me being unavailable. Link to comment
interesting Posted February 20, 2007 Author Share Posted February 20, 2007 I understand that I need to change certain things in my life which I am doing. I was more looking for advice thoughts on the situation and not the fact that I work too much something that I understand and am changing. Thanks for the input everyone in advance! Link to comment
Weeblie Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 Well I can understand why she still needs time. I think for the most part you've been consumed with your work and she's worried that right now you're just on good behavior. A month isn't really that long for you to prove that you've changed. Especially since she wasn't around for a week of it. I'm a little confused by your situation though. Are you dating again? Or are you just talking? Is she seeing other people? Link to comment
interesting Posted February 20, 2007 Author Share Posted February 20, 2007 We are dating according to her exclusively. She says she is not interested in anyone else and still considers me her boyfriend but still needs to continue seeing my change. She did say a week or so ago upon my asking that she still was not 100% sure that this would work out because she can't handle the thought of being hurt again. It is difficult and frustrating to say the least. Link to comment
interesting Posted February 20, 2007 Author Share Posted February 20, 2007 For the record: She never broke up with me, she just said that she needed things to slow down so that she could figure out if she still wanted to continue. She told me that I had exhausted her and she could not continue if things did not change perminantly. Link to comment
Weeblie Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 Ah, got you. This is frustrating. I'm not sure what to tell you. If it were me I'd be annoyed and tell her to go have her space. Then get on with my life without her. But I have a feeling that's a completely BAD idea. So please don't do that. I guess all you can do is keep up what you're doing. Let her know that you want to make this work. Hmm... Link to comment
interesting Posted February 20, 2007 Author Share Posted February 20, 2007 Does anyone else have thoughts, advice etc......? Link to comment
celene Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Hey interesting, in your situation there is no need to do NC because you guys havent officially broken uo. Second, are you sure you want to be with this girl because you yourself mention that you stopped seeing her as much because you werent sure. Do you know want her because she was also thinking the same? Well you say you kind of grew distant from her after taking your GMAT right? I dont think its about your work hours that has driven you guys apart. I think its the signal you have been giving her! You might not realize this but people can understand the difference between not being able to meet up because of work and people not willing to spend time because they are not sure about the relationship anymore! So honestly, I dont blame her and not to sound too harsh, you should be thankful she's given you a second chance. A lot of women dont have sex just for the sake of having sex. She is taking her time to see whether you really mean what you say and if you really do then you will wait for her. She is trying to see whether you are going to repeat what u did in the past. So hang in there, be good and show her you care and in time she will come to realize that you meant evertthing you said. Link to comment
interesting Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 Thanks Celine. You are right that I was not sure for awhile. I had been taking things for granted for awhile. When she said that she could not handle things unless I changed it made me think and realize what I had and could possibly loose. My question is why doesn't she want me around as much as she used to? Is this her way of testing me and seeing if I will pursue her time like she used to pursue mine? Or is she doing this so that she can see if my change is for good and not something that I am doing just to be with her again and then will change back to how I used to be? Link to comment
papalazarou Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 I think she wants to see what sort of effort you are going to put into this relationship. The change she refers to is down to the reduction in hours or the more time you make available for her and indeed yourself. Do you have a hobby for instance? These are the sort of changes shr can see... Link to comment
interesting Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 Yes to hobby and I have cut back on my work to make myself more available to her. She is really busy with her new job and other commitments that she made awhile back and seems to always have something going on. I think that she got involved with a lot of volunteer work when I was only seeing her once a week last fall. We are seeing a lot more of each other as of late but this whole issue is going on two months old. It is frustrating becasue I am not sure how long it is going to take her to realize that my changes are for real and that I am not just trying to win her time back. We shall see. Link to comment
celene Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Hey interesting, I would advise you to take it very very slowly if you want to be with this girl. Why are you in such a hurry? If a guy was not treating me well and I gave him a second chance I woudk wait for a very long time to see if he meant what he said. Its easy for someone to pretend like they have changed only to be different down the line. I am not saying you are one of them but she wants to make sure you are not one them. So as I said if you really like this girl and you want to be with her for the rest of your life then you will wait for her to understand that you have indeed changed.... Link to comment
interesting Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 Celine, Thanks again, but how long would you make them wait? I realize that this is a personal decision but it is driving me crazy. I also realize that I am being a bit insecure since she could have just ended it and not given it a chance. It is just so tough to love someone and realize your mistakes and to have them still doubt if things will work in the long run. Maybe part of the reason she always asked me to do things was that I never would do them and now I am open to most anything? Example last night I stayed over and she was all cuddly and was about to fall asleep. I asked if I could have a kiss good night I know pathetic and she said sure. It almost felt like she did not want to but would. I asked her about it and she told me to stop over analyzing stuff and not worry. She then went to the bathroom and I was sleeping on my side and she got back into bed and cuddled up to me and fell asleep. This is so weird??? or not???? Link to comment
celene Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Interesting, I dont think you have to be insecure at all. I understand why you might be but from what you have posted it actually seems to me that your relationship is on the right track! I dont think you should over analyze every little thing she does! I think you might be blowing things out of propotion because you are very insecure at the moment! When relationships are going great we don't tend to analyze but when its in a rocky stage or as in yours where you have all these feelings for this person and not sure what is going to happen we start to look at the same things that never mattered to us before from a different dimension. So stop worrying, be nice, be patient and wait and see what happens and be happy that you got a second chance with a person you love so much and above all just enjoy the relationship and let things take its course. Not all of us are as lucky as you are Link to comment
shadow34 Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Just a thought... on the birthday matter, my friend she should never have to expect you to be there for her birthday as to me the biggest mistake was not ever putting her first... If my partner didnt spend my birthday with me Id be hell P***d off.. Its not something you wouldnt want to do, so I hope perhaps you have changed your thinking on this... As for work, it will always be there, but she wont... I wish you luck my friend Link to comment
interesting Posted February 22, 2007 Author Share Posted February 22, 2007 Well thanks for the positive input. How long do you give this though? When is it appropriate to ask what she is thinking? Her lack of attention makes things very hard. Link to comment
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