Comparing...

[Aurian]

Just looking for a bit of advice... My last relationship was at the time my only serious relationship. I married him, he abused me, and I (eventually) divorced him. I took time out to pull myself out of the emotional pit he put me in, and I thought I was done with all the negative feelings and "healed."

 

But... I am in a new relationship now, getting quite serious. Making this only the second serious relationship I've ever had. I like the guy very much (I'm not quite ready to use the other L-word yet, but maybe...). Anyways, I find my ex' ghost keeps popping up in my mind. I am not acting differently or pulling away or anything, but I do end up comparing them all the time (new guy comes out better in every way).

 

I would like to get my ex outta my head. I guess he's popping up because I'm doing couple-stuff I've only done with him before, so that's triggering the memories and comparisons. Anyone got any advice to telling him to bugger off outta my head? I am stopping myself when I realize my brain doing this, but advice?

[redrose85]

I do the same thing and try to consciously stop it, but my guy seems to understand that I still have a few remaining trust issues and probably will never be able to completely let my guard down. What he can do for you is be a good guy, treat you well, and earn your trust, and you can let him. If you notice any red flags with this one, be sure to acknowledge them, but don't create a problem with a good relationship in order to protect yourself. I tend to do that, not so much now, but I really had a hard time at first in the relationship I'm in now. You could also seek counselling. That is something I am planning to do, but don't feel quite ready to pursue yet. How long were you married and how long have you been divorced?

[Aurian]

I was with the ex for 5 years, married for three. The marriage years slowly went into the toilet until he was threatening murder-suicide towards the end. I ended things back in July and have not had any contact with him since. I did counselling almost immediately and I think that is why I have recovered as fast as I have.

 

I went onto the dating market practically on New Years Day, had a few lousy dates online, and met my new guy online in late January. Been emailing almost constantly and been out on about 8-9 lovely dates. No red flags (and believe me, my red flag meter is quite high-strung now

 

I'm not looking to create problems or anything, I just want to get rid of the ghost that is popping up. I just don't want to think about the ex, especially not when I am with someone who makes me happy.

[mintblossom]

Maybe it's the fear? After surviving one abusive relationship from hell I am a little afraid of men. I've met men that were nice to me and then after a few dates, they completely flip faces on me. It is so scary, so now I always have that fear when dating.

 

Is he going to be nice until he hooks me and then flip faces and become someone totally different?

[Aurian]

I don't think so... yes, I do have my insecure moments, but part of my counselling helped me realize that my ex was one in a million... in a bad way I don't find myself looking at men weirdly or automatically expecting them all to turn out the same way (I did when I first left though. I was terrified at the idea that if one guy could sucker me so badly, the next could too). But I feel a bit more confident of myself now, and I realized that while my ex was very good at talking the talk, he didn't walk the walk nearly as much as his pretty words implied he would. New guy doesn't have the same way with words, but his actions show far more, in many little thoughtful gestures.

[orion]

Fear is perhaps a large part. I recently dealt with a stalker that made my life uncomfortable. One night, the thought of this person was so strong I thought I was going to go mad. It felt like she was contacting me telepathically! But I realized it was fear. I had to place my mind over this fear.

 

My mistake was opening myself up too much without getting to know the flaws. I was giving and giving, not noticing what was happening to me. As soon as I realized what was going on, I had to end the friendship, that was all I was trying to do, was make a close friend. But she moved to my city, without telling me, started calling me several times a day. It was very scary.

 

And I realize I am fearing new women I meet more than usual only because of the fears from recent events with the stalker. Will this person be the same? Must I close myself up to everyone? Will I then not have any fruitful relationships? You see, for me this is all fear. I don't know if this helps, just another perspective.

[redrose85]

Kudos to you then, OP! your marriage sounds a lot like my previous relationship. I can trust my new bf (not really new anymore) but when meeting new people, especially guys, I really think it through and try to gauge their personalities. I think it is a good thing now, but sometimes it gets really annoying when the "ghosts" pop up in my head, or if I have a bad day, I will begin to wonder when the "real" boyfriend will show up. I'm pretty excited for the 1 year mark, which is next month, because that's about when my ex started showing his true colors. Gosh this sounds horrible! I have a wonderful bf, and no reason to doubt him, but I'm sure you understand, it's the "ghosts" I think it just becomes a conscious effort after awhile. I really did have a valid point, but it's been a long day and I'm sleepy