Why am I so disappointed?

[Hayles]

I feel like sucha terrible person, a really bad GF... My partner of 3 years (today!) and I decided to 'defer' valentine's and anniversary until tomorrow night, the weekend, so we could have my son babysat and actually have some much needed adult time for intimacy and reconnection.

My BF has been buzzing around all week so I thought, "wow, he musy have something super up his sleeve!" and I've been really excited, after all, I told him this year there is to be no champagne and lobster, no fine dining, but some thought... not the things that he can fix with his wallet, things from the heart!

So, today I said, "I just need to know what times etc. so I know what time to drop my son off", ad he blurts it out, "whenever, we're not doing anything anyway, we'll just get some indian and sit out the back of my place and then grab a movie or something"

 

I'm actually disappointed. I don't want to say this to him, but I was hoping for some real effort, real romance... I always put so much thought into everything I do for him... I suppose I was hoping for some of that back.

I feel like a real * * * * * for being disappointed. I'm afraid that he will notice me feeling this way and think that nothing he does is good enough, it's really not that though... I suppose I'm just too much of a romantic.

What's the best way for me to get through tomorrow night without letting him down??? I'm a hopeless liar, and I wear all my emotions right on my sleeve, that's what scares me!!!

[EvaGina]

Tell him your disappointed?

its fair enough... suggest that, together, you make it a bit more special, there is no reason for him to make all the plans.

[JustaGirl31]

I think you should tell him how you feel. Tell him all the positive, how much you want to spend time with him, etc, but would really love some romance. I don't think guys know sometimes what we want...so we have to tell them, lovingly (of course). This way your not being a bad girlfriend at all, you're just being open and expressing what means something to you.

 

Maybe you should wait until after the date to say anything. You never know what else he may have planned and I would just enjoy a night with him.

[Hayles]

It seems so simple... hehe. Yeah, I was going to plan something, but we actually mutually agreed earlier on that this year would be his turn... Last year I sat and sewed a lovely middle eastern themed setting, a big curtain veil on a hoop and some cushions and a rug etc. I hung the hoop from this massive tree in his backyard, placed the rug and cushions inside on the ground... we had candles and home made food and wine... For our anniversary last year I packed a picnic dinner and we went and sat on this dock by the lagoon in the centre of our city (where he took me on our first date), candles etc. and we just lay there under the stars for hours...

I suppose I just want him to do something like that for me, and by giving him a head's up earlier that this year was to be about romance, not $ I guess I kind of expected that... Ahhh... communication slip! hehe

 

I really should just add something to the whole evening as a surprise, shouldn't I?

[Hayles]

hehe, yeah, that's the other thing, I'm hoping deep down that he is throwing me off and has some magical plan up his sleeve, I wouldn't want to ruin that by saying he has disappointed me... I guess I just hoped for a lot because we were putting both VDay and Anniversary into one. I just want it to be special, we rarely get time by ourselves - this will be the first time since August that we have had any time without my little boy.

[Stari]

I guess I just hoped for a lot because we were putting both VDay and Anniversary into one.

How motivating is it to make a big effort for a specific day if anything less is met with disappointment?

I mean, when you made your previous arrangements, did your partner expect the effort you to made or was it a surprise? At least I feel more motivated to make an effort if it doesn't cause a disappointment if I don't.

 

I just want it to be special,

Does special actually mean 'memorable' = out of the ordinary. I hope your partner is special to you.

 

, we rarely get time by ourselves - this will be the first time since August that we have had any time without my little boy.

So you partner arranges that you don't need to cook or wash-up. But I guess what you want is a memory to think back on during the next six months of baby sitting.

 

This is funny thread, by the way. I chuckled while reading it.

 

Romance... What is romance? I personally (I am a guy) lack a good understanding of this elusive concept but I let the following guide me:

 

A sexual perspective to romance:

"Romance is caring actions that doesn't lead to sex." Just intending not to lead to sex doesn't count, if it actually does lead to sex.

 

A proverbial perspective to romance:

"Women need a reason for having sex. Men need a place to have it." Romance is the reason.

 

An evolutionary perspective to romance:

For women to feel good about having sex, they need to feel reassured that the man will stay and help raise the resultant child. Caring actions by the man that doesn't lead to sex provides this reassurance in the woman.

Men don't have this need of reassurance since they don't give childbirth (yet).

 

I suspect that romance is not the same high-octanic fuel for men as it is for women, even though I admit it's nice to get a card saying "I think of you."

 

Instead, what makes me go all silly and spur me into action, doing things for my object of affection is... ego-boosting compliments. This is potent stuff.

 

On the contrary, if I keep on trying my very best but have not succeeded yet, this is a most sensitive moment for me. Driving and getting lost without asking for directions is a common example. My partner giving me a suggestion for an improvement will make me feel as though I have failed. The suggestion for improvement will cut like a knife to the bone.

The sign for a woman to not give suggestions is that the man is silent and concentrated. A damp forehead is a give away as well.

The right time to actually give suggestions is when the man is breaking the silence asking "what do you think?".

Perhaps the above is only relevant to me and I happen to have a fragile ego.

 

Back to the OP's partner. If he is really trying to make the evening special, signs of you not appreciating his efforts will, to put it mildly, not be met with enthusiasm.

 

What to do?

Take initiative yourself to make it a memorable occasion, preferably positive one. Then talk to your partner afterwards about yours and his expectations.

 

Have a decent occasion together the two of you!

/Stari

[ghost69]

maybe he has something awesome planned and it's a surprise. but don't let the anticipation build up expecting something incredible. he might not have a romantic bone in his body. lol

.......................................................................................................................................................................................