Wanting to leave my fiance, but not my daughter

[newdad12345]

Hi all. Hopefully you can help. Here 's the situation.......

My fiance and I have a 6 month old daughter. I am legally her father, but she carries the mother's last name. I just can not stand to be with the mother anymore, and I want out of this relationship so badly. However, I realize in doing so, that I put myself at risk to a very diminished role in my daughters life. My fiance has insisted many times that she wants to leave, and go back to her hometown (over 14hrs drive away). Then, 2 days later she loves me again. I can't take her bi polar feelings anymore. And, I also realize that most US courts would give her custody, as neither of us has any criminal or psychological record of being unfit. However, I am the only one with a job supporting everyone at the moment. I believe she is trying to get a job waitressing a few nights a week, but she insists that she will give no money toward bills...it all goes into her pocket. Please help. I really don't want her to take my daughter away from me and me pay her (child support) in doing so. I just can't swallow her taking my child and me paying her to do it after everything I have tried to give to this family. Thank you in advance.

[fnlyfrei]

Since your daughter is so small...unless her mother is completely neglectful...she will probably stay with mom. And yeah, you will be financially obligated to support your daughter. That is just the way it is. The only other alternative is to TRY to work it out...it sounds as though you want out but you do not want any of the consequences. Reality check ! And if you do not want to marry her anymore..visa versa...why are you calling her your "fiance"?,...yeah, this IS a big, life-changing decision. Are things really so bad? And I guess if you two are splitting up, she is fully in her rights to move where she might have family to support her without you there to help with the baby. Babies are a lot of work and need constant love and care...and any custody case considers the best interest of the child. You as a father are important too...but she is still an infant. I hope you both find a better answer for her. Good luck.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Have you tried any counseling services that are offered locally or by churches? Many of them are free, and you may want to try to work this out or at least get things to a state where if you split it is done without a lot of the anger and rage that can happen.

 

if she does leave, you can always establish paternity and go to court to get visitation rights. but you will also be required to pay child support scaled to your income. that is just one of the realities today, that if you have a child, and another person gets custody, you will pay support. but sometimes courts will give 50/50 custody where both parents share it and neither pays support, but that is usually only if both parents agree to that and are really getting along, and the child is old enough to be OK switching between homes frequently...

 

so you might want to see if you want work it out first with a counseling service, and if not you will most likely need an attorney to represent you in a child custory/support decision...

[rocio]

When you pay child support, you are not paying your ex. Considering how much it costs to raise a child, why wouldn't you want to contribute financially?

 

The fact that you are currently paying the bills does not factor into the equation as far as the courts are concerned (if I'm not mistaken). When two people are living together, it is assumed that they are finding their own compromise regarding financial and domestic responsibilities. So the fact that you are the breadwinner doesn't give you any leverage.

 

She will likely be asked by the courts to remain in the same state. And, unless you give them a reason to think you are an unfit father, you will be awarded joint custody if you file for it.

 

If you don't want to be with this woman, then don't stay. It sounds like you don't respect or like her anyway, and even babies can sense that. You can still be a stand-up father if you're not together.

[newdad12345]

It's not that I do not want to finacially support my daughter...that's the furtherest thing from my mind. I just feel "taken for a ride" if she gets custody, leaves, and I pay child support for a child I won't be around to raise. Like I said...this just so sucks b/c I am legally inferior do to my gender. There has got to be a way. I refuse to get on her level and be "dirty" about the situation. That would make things worse in my mind.

 

Thank you all for your input.

[radioheader]

i would think that you can get half custody and then have her stay in the state...courts can rule that but i'm not sure how they make that decision...there has got to be a way that you can divorce and still be an active part of your daughter's life. i would consult an attorney in your state.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

parents who live accross the country do keep in contact with their children... they take them longer in the summer, or spend long weekends and holidays with see them... today with the internet and webcams etc. you can really keep in touch as your daughter gets older, and even consider moving to a closer town, even if it is only 5 or 6 hours away, it is a quicker drive to see her...

 

can you also try some form of mediation or counseling or church counseling? you might be able to work something out with her to stay in the same town, or help her with expenses until the baby is a bit older and can go into daycare... but i think if you boot her out at this point and her only option in terms of money is moving back home, you have to expect that...