UPDATE ..."Friends with Benefits"

[KaEdYnZMoMmi]

I have been involved in a FRIENDS WITH BENEFIT situation that started just as friends in June 06 and turned into Fw/B in October 06. Well anyways we had a falling out about me hanging out with other guys and so he dicided that he would get back at me by infact hanging out with another female on this past Friday. I was FURIOUS but I didnt let him know that. He told me about the date on Tuesday and Wednesday we did NOT contact one another at all, and on Thursday again NO CONTACT until ofcourse 3 am after he had been at the bar with his friends. He send me a text message ,lyrics from a song, talking about wanting to "work things out". He told me her heard the song and thought about me. Sweet??? Well he called me Friday when I got off of work (3:30 pm) and now I am usually one to answer it or call him back ASAP. But this time I didnt, I purposely called him back at 5 pm trying to be nosy about his "date" had he left yet if he was getting ready. And I told him that I wanted to drop off his sons sleeping bag and asked if I could do so on my way out. He said sure and that he would be home all evening with the kids...AHA! He said that he wasnt going to be going on the date and that he would be home all night and to stop by at my convience...That was the last time we talked . HIS CELLPHONE is disconnected. I miss him soooo much. What should I do?

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

I guess I am a bit confused from your behaviour and his.

 

If you are friends with benefits- that is not a relationship and not a commitment... and yet you both get jealous and upset and begin to play little games with one another when either of you spends time with another person of the opposite sex.

 

Have you considered talking to him about this and possibly redefining your relationship?

 

If you want exclusivity you have to ask for it and establish it and agree on it- but neither of you have done that.

 

So what's all the fuss about?

[KaEdYnZMoMmi]

Well heres the deal, he is 28 and was in a previous LTR with his childrens mother but she had cheated on him last year. They were engaged the whole 9 yards...and I was in a previous LTR (im 26) with my childrens father but he was controlling, and dishonest as well. So when him and I met we started talked occasionally on the phone then it went from talking frequently on the phone and also sending text messages. Finally we hung out with one anothers children, we also spent Thanksgiving, Christmas and kids birthdays together. We decided off top to have a verbal contract stating that we would NOT have sexual intercourse with ANYONE else and if we did then we would infact stop our "situation". And as far as the jealousy thing, I was totally cool with him hanging out with other women, what I didnt like was that he would get upset if and when I would hang out with the opposite sex! So I dont think it is fair if he hangs out with girls but i cant hang out with guys.... does that clarify things??

 

 

AND YESSSS I KNOW that when you are involved with a situation like mine...FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS no feelings or emotions are supposed to be involved...where did we go wrong??

[Hope75]

See here's the thing- (and I did the "friends with bennies" thing too and it backfired on me) I think it's very difficult to have a situation like FWB and not get emotionally involved. After a short time (a few months) of my FWB situation I had to stop it because I was falling for the guy and he didn't want a relationship with me.

 

But I'm wondering here that if your FWB guy is jealous about your hanging out with members of the opposite sex that you might want to talk to him and just say, "Hey what's up? Do you WANT a relationship? Because if not, I am still a free agent to date others, as long as I don't break our agreement to not sleep with others."

 

Sounds to me like maybe your boundary lines with each other are getting blurred.

 

What do you think?

 

Are you happy with the FWB situation, or would you like more from this guy?

[KaEdYnZMoMmi]

Oh I would deff LOVE more, I love being around him, he makes me laugh, we can talk for hours and we share alot of common interests. My kids love him and his love me. We not only do the dinner and movie dates, or the out for drinks dates with or without our friends but we also do the kids dates! My family loves him and his loves me! We both are VERY VERY FLIRTATIOUS. And I know that that sometimes get in the way out "us". I am just afraid that if I mention commitement or something more it will push him aways...but I also dont see it as being fair to me. It isnt like he is stringing me along until something better comes along... he tells me he cares deeply for me, LOVES ME TO DEATH and trust me more than ANYBODY out here. Even his long time buddies. His kids refer to me as daddys girlfriend, and he said I am the closest thing to a gf since BM.

[Hope75]

I really think that as long as you settle for FWB with this man you are being unfair to yourself.

 

To be honest, you know that you want more, and your relationship seems in every way a committed relationship, minus the title.

 

But if you are afraid that asking for a commitment is going to push him away- where do you expect this to go? Are you willing to settle for FWB indefinitely? It seems to be that you just risk yourself getting hurt more than you already are by compromising what you really want with something that is more like scraps of a relationship.

 

Girl, I would sit him down and tell him what you just told me.

 

Oh I would deff LOVE more, I love being around him, he makes me laugh, we can talk for hours and we share alot of common interests. My kids love him and his love me. We not only do the dinner and movie dates, or the out for drinks dates with or without our friends but we also do the kids dates! My family loves him and his loves me!

 

and

 

he tells me he cares deeply for me, LOVES ME TO DEATH and trust me more than ANYBODY out here. Even his long time buddies. His kids refer to me as daddys girlfriend, and he said I am the closest thing to a gf since BM.

 

You deserve that title if you are investing as much time, energy and emotion into this relationship as you are.

[KaEdYnZMoMmi]

Thank you sooooooo soooooo much. Maybe I just needed to hear that...I think our Valentines Day should be an interesting one!!

[Hope75]

Thank you sooooooo soooooo much. Maybe I just needed to hear that...I think our Valentines Day should be an interesting one!!

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with admitting that your feelings have gone beyond a FWB situation and you would love to have more with him. But he won't know that unless you ask. And it would make sense that this might be something he's interested in too since clearly he's not comfortable with the idea of you seeing other people.

 

I hope you will let us know how things go when you do talk to him!

[KaEdYnZMoMmi]

I didn't want to devote all my time and energy to him and make him thing that I was thinking there was something more than their really was. Does that make sense? So, I mentioned other men because #1 they were interested, #2 him and i were just FWB and #3 to kind of test his true feelings. He would respond with "Do whatever makes you happy"...but when we got into an argument the first thing out of his mouth was "EVERYTHING WAS FINE UNTIL YOU DECIDED to hang out with other guys". And I know that I was never attracted to this other man...and tried to tell him that.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it sounds like both of you were really dating, while one (or both) of you were pretending to be 'friends with benefits'... FWB is one of the murkiest and problematic states... sort of a no man's land where nobody really wants to commit to anything, but feelings are still involved no matter what anybody else pretends... FWB situations usually don't last to long, only until one or the other (or both) find someone they really do want enough to admit they are actually dating...

 

so i think if you want him you'd better come right and tell him that you DO want to date exclusively, and apologize if your murky FWB state together got confusing to everyone... i think at this point you either have to go one of three ways... either back to just friends, or forward into being girlfriend and boyfriend, or else break up the friendship entirely...

 

i hope he still is willing to talk to you about it, but disconnecting his phone is not a good sign... maybe he already thought you were exclusive, in which case he could be interpreting it as you were cheating on him with the other guys... so i suggest you go to his house and try to talk to him openly and tell him what you want and apologize if you didn't understand that what he really wanted was to date, and you are ready to do this now and give up flirting with other guys...

 

(and if you're not willing to give up the other guys, then set him free because it is not fair to him if he wants a girlfriend and you just want FWB)...

[KaEdYnZMoMmi]

We did infact hang out last night after I got off of work. We (him, his sons, my daughters and myself) all went to dinner last night. We laughed and joked...we were back to our normal selves... I jokingly asked him if he had missed me and he said maybe, maybe not...and then at the end of the night before we parted our separate ways he told me that had a wonderful evening...and liked seeing me!!!

 

and we set our Valentines days plans in STONE!!

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

I am glad to hear it. Do you plan to talk to him soon about your wish to make things more officical?

[saucyminx]

If your "fwb" partner makes valentines day plans with you, it's really not an "fwb" relationship.

 

The "fwb's" won't even take you out to dinner, join you for breakfast in the morning or acknowledge any hallmark holiday in general.

 

I wish you a fabulous v-day ! Enjoy yourself