caught in a unique situation...advice needed please...

[froger3434]

ok so this is a pretty unique situation i've managed to get myself into. Basically I met this girl at a party a couple months ago, we hit it off really well....In my opinion, our personality's meshed as well as any two could upon meeting. so we've been hanging out a lot...but there's a problem....she has a b/f. a long term boyfriend ( 1.5 yrs i believe). The problem is this, when i met her , one of the first things she told me was that she was breaking up with her boyfriend because he was treating her badly - this is one of the reasons i pursued her so strongly, because, i thought in no time she'd be single. so here's where the real problems begin. We start hanging out regularly, we fall for each other pretty hard...eventually she tells me that she has feelings for me that she has never felt for anyone else. her boyfriend catches wind of this and starts to realize he's about to lose his girl unless he steps up. so he starts wooing her again, sending flowers to her work,....and actually at one point asks to marry her...(she says no). This is where things get really tricky though; at this point she's trying to keep both of us happy. talks to us both on the phone for a great deal of time each day, almost to the point of living a double life. The b/f knows i'm in her life , but he doesnt know how seriously i am. all indications are her heart is with me, but i feel like she thinks she owes her b/f something since they've been together so long. she says she's confused about what she wants after talking to him, but then the next night she'll tell me that everything will work out for us in the end and that i had her since the day we met. just recently she told me she loves me. I'm not sure what to believe anymore though, if she loves me as much as she says ...dont you think she'd have broken up with her b/f by now for me?.....i know this is kind of a scattered post...but any thoughts or suggestions would be really appreciated it. this is such a hard situation to be in and it's getting to the point where i'm unbelievably stressed out ...because i've totally fallen for this girl.

 

by the way, we're both 22 yrs old.

[Stu147]

Hi,

 

I would say that you need to back off a little, for your own good as much as hers, and let her sort out which way she wants to go. Getting involved in someone else's relationship, however badly it has been painted, is never a good idea. It really is her call to make.

 

Tell her that she needs to sort things out and that you don't want to unfairly influence her decision. Tell her that, while you hope so much that she chooses you, you will understand and respect her decision whatever it may be. Don't make it sound like an ultimatum of course. But make sure she knows that she can't keep coming on so strong until she has made a decision, because it's not fair to keep you dangling and it upsets you.

 

Sorry you have found yourself in such a situation. I really hope it works out for the best for you. But even if it doesn't, you will get over it and be stronger for it.

 

Take care...

[chickidee23]

I think she really is confused. And she's got two guys who are fighting for her- what girl wouldn't be confused? However, she is not really being forced to make a decision here. Neither of you are showing any indication of going anywhere. And in all honesty, her b/f has a better chance of winning this fight. They've got a history and memories and traditions and they are comfortable with one another. New feelings for a new person are always exciting- it's more attention and it makes one feel special. My advice to you? Cut your losses. Tell her you feel you are being led on and that you can't take it anymore. I wouldn't advise you to hold your breath on this one but you never know, she may realize she can't live without you. But DO NOT go back to her until she is officially single.

[Day_Walker]

If you want a relationship with this girl then you are approaching this the wrong way. She is getting all that she wants from her bf and from you. She is most likely not going to leave her bf, she has just been feeding you lines. It would be best if you got out of this situation because she is never going to give you want you want.

[chloe09]

Here is my advice to you-

This girl you are dealing with is very fickle. She doesn't know WHAT she wants. She doesnt want to ruin a relationship she's worked on for nearly 2 years...

And Tanya says never believe a girl when she says she's going to break up with her bf. Because she's not actually going to.

So, give this girl an ultimatum. Tell her, "Sweetie, I want to be with you but I'm tired of waiting on you to make a decision on who you love. I want to be with you, so you need to make a decision now."

If she still can't decide, you need to leave her for awhile until she knows what she wants.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

hmmm... a 'have her cake and eat it too situation'... this has gone on long enough, and she needs to choose rather than keep stringing two guys along. not fair to you or him.

 

i think the thing to do is tell her you know you are confusing her, so she needs some time to think about what you mean to her, and whether she sees a future for you without her boyfriend in it..

 

so tell her to call you when and if she decides to break up with her boyfriend and be with you. and that you don't want to hear from her until she does decide, then step out of her life and see if she steps into yours.

 

if she does, good for you, if she doesn't, good for you too, because you're not stuck in limbo forever while this girl is having fun with two guys... you deserve to be with a girl who IS your girl, not somebody else's girl, and you get stuffed around the edges of her life...

[Hope75]

I would agree that as long as you continue to accept the situation as-is (and you do by staying with her), that she has little motivation to change.

 

If I were you I would back off and tell her that you are interested in a relationship with her but only a committed one... and then stick to that. Leave her alone and ask her not to contact you, until and unless she breaks up with her boyfriend and comes to you a single woman. Right now she doesn't have to make a choice because she is lying to her bf about how serious things are with you, and keeping you around while she's still with him.

 

Since you are posting here my guess is that you do not want to share her (and I don't think you should have to), so it seems the only thing right now that you have control over is whether or not you are involved with her while she is involved with him.

[froger3434]

I think she really is confused. And she's got two guys who are fighting for her- what girl wouldn't be confused? However, she is not really being forced to make a decision here. Neither of you are showing any indication of going anywhere. And in all honesty, her b/f has a better chance of winning this fight. They've got a history and memories and traditions and they are comfortable with one another. New feelings for a new person are always exciting- it's more attention and it makes one feel special. My advice to you? Cut your losses. Tell her you feel you are being led on and that you can't take it anymore. I wouldn't advise you to hold your breath on this one but you never know, she may realize she can't live without you. But DO NOT go back to her until she is officially single.

 

 

this is going to be the hardest decision of my life...i'm torn between giving her a little more time to break up with him...or give her an ultimatum...in my heart i know that's what i need to do for my sake at least...i'm just petrified that it will drive her away if i force her to make a decision right now....this isnt fair to me i know, but i've invested so much into this girl i just dont know how i could come to terms with just walking away...i have more feelings for this girl than i've had for any girl in my entire life.

[froger3434]

this is going to be the hardest decision of my life...i'm torn between giving her a little more time to break up with him...or give her an ultimatum...in my heart i know that's what i need to do for my sake at least...i'm just petrified that it will drive her away if i force her to make a decision right now....this isnt fair to me i know, but i've invested so much into this girl i just dont know how i could come to terms with just walking away...i have more feelings for this girl than i've had for any girl in my entire life.

 

not sure if this changes anyone's opinion on the situation, but there has been signifigant phsyical intimacy between the two of us.

[Hope75]

not sure if this changes anyone's opinion on the situation, but there has been signifigant phsyical intimacy between the two of us.

 

You notice that you mentioned how much that you have invested into this girl already.... and yet she is unwilling to be faithful to you and is cheating on both you and her bf... so ask yourself how much of herself she has invested in you with one foot in the door and the other one out?

 

If she doesn't think what she has with you is worth being faithful and she is not with you exclusively, I'm sorry but her actions show that this is not into it as much as you- something to think about- because you are certainly being taken advantage of.

[OneConfusedGuy]

I have to tell you... I've been a very similar situation.

 

I was being dangled along by this girl like a puppy dog. I wanted to be with her so badly and she did with me, but she still had feelings for her boyfriend.... so she played with both of us. This went on for a couple of months and I finally got fed up with it and decided to leave. She called me and wanted to hang out with me, etc etc. but every time it was the same, her BF was still around. Eventually I started to not answer her calls (but still listened to every message to find out if she had "offically" left her boyfriend, and never once did she mention it).

 

It's hard dude, really hard. To just leave someone where the chemistry *clicks*.... but, in my opinion, it has to be done. Let her call the shots.... and if she dumps the boyfriend... you will be the first person she calls.