was it just a hookup?

[Batya33]

I agree with this. However, my perspective was a little different because I did date "formally" in college probably because I was a commuter - I didn't meet most of the men at parties or bars and I also dated men who were already done with college.

[carbon]

The thing is, I really do value the friendship that is developing since we have a lot in common (unless he is lying to impress me..). I would hate to risk losing the friendship/scaring him away if I told him I wanted to date and he doesn't feel the same way.

[Batya33]

That's a choice we've all had to make at one time or another. Good luck!

[ghost69]

wait for positive signals towards a date. but friends is cool.

[Batya33]

Apparently he showed he was attracted to her the first time they were together, then she asked him out, he accepted but she pulled away when he made a move - so my advice was based on her mixed signals.

[carbon]

Actually, he asked me out first, but it got complicated because I got sick. He might've thought I was making up an excuse but I wasn't.

[Batya33]

Oh - sorry - you called him first and he called you back and asked you to hang out, you did, but then resisted his attempt to make a move.

[ghost69]

you canceled a meeting with him and you rejected him while hanging out? he must feel peachy.

[carbon]

I only cancelled because I was sick, so I had to. But I did ask to meet up at a later time.

 

I rejected his move because I wasn't sure if it was just about the hookup for him, because I'm not that kind of girl.

 

Since the time I rejected his move (which was the second time we hung out), we've hung out twice. However, I fear he may think I've put him in the friend zone, since I inevitably mention being friends when we hang out...not like directly making it a point to say we're friends, but in passing during conversation somehow. I don't know why I do that when I'm really interested in dating him... I end up saying it before I even realize. I bet it's a subconscious self-protection mechanism.

[Batya33]

Whatever mechanism it is, make no mistake that you are giving him mixed messages if not the clear message that you see this as a friendship. My guess is it is not subconscious because you are saying the words to him and you consciously were afraid of being rejected by this guy - it's not helpful in the long run to try to lessen your responsibility in your choices and actions because then you have less motivation to work on them.

[ghost69]

you can let him advance towards you. but just shutting down a hug or a kiss is too much. that shows complete uninterest. if his motive is to sleep with you, you can stop that before it happens. poor guy.

 

i understand you were sick and rescheduled. that part was good. but if you want to be friends with this guy, flat out tell him. don't pass up this information.

[carbon]

I did let him hold me for a bit (which was nice) but I didn't let him kiss me because I knew it would've led to a big makeout session. But, like I said, I didn't know if he felt the same, so I didn't let him kiss me. I guess he took the message loud and clear because since that time, we have done nothing physical except hugging at the end of the night.

 

No, I don't want to be friends - I am interested. However, I needed to know that he is also interested before I can become physically intimate, i.e. I just needed to take things slower. Of course I didn't express my feelings as eloquently at that moment when I moved away becuase I hadn't thought about it beforehand.

[Batya33]

Here's the thing - you expect him to put thought into asking you out and spending time with you, and whether he is interested in you as more than a friend but on your side it's fine not to think things through beforehand and just pull away when he tries to kiss you. Sounds a bit unfair to him.

[SexySadie7]

I think she's showing a lot of mixed signals here too, so it's no wonder the guy's a bit confused.

"You've given a first impression - reinforced by your behavior - that hanging out is fine with you. It's difficult to go from that to dating or being more than friends. It also results in a role reversal - you didn't allow him to court you, so now he assumes you two are just friends and he of course is not going to make a move even if he is interested in more."

Yeah.. i'm afraid you are going to have to backpaddle on that remark about "girls and guys being friends" if you want him to think of you as a potential gf... Cuz now.. after that statement and you rebuffin him physically, it's possible he's thinking, that you were thinking hooking up with him was a mistake all the way around. His ego is probably a bit bruised by this possibly and if he's shy, like you say, well, shy guy's egos heal slower.

Of course, you may just risk his friendship, if you ask if you and he can be more than "just friends". It's a decision you will have to take, I guess, because you cannot have it both ways. Course you can be in limbo, but if you are really attracted to this guy, that can be agonizing.

[ghost69]

you've never just shared a kiss without a makeout session? weird.

[carbon]

Hmm, come to think of it, I don't think I've ever kissed someone without it leading to a makeout session...unless it was in a public place.